Tuesday, November 9, 2010

updaaate

i've been restricting; not really starving but not really eating either and i'm currently at 124 lbs. i'm hoping to get to 108 by christmas. my red bracelet is back on and i'm in this for the long run. with all the parental drama going on, no one pays attention to whether or not i'm eating so this all works out perfectly. and my boyfriend is like the biggest thinspiration i've ever had. he's so fucking tiny and it motivates the shit out of me. any time i feel weak and hungry, i simply think of him and do some situps. its going to work this time, i can feel it. i'm getting back to my lw and no one can fucking stop me.

i'm going to get thin or die trying.

Monday, November 1, 2010

grrfggdsutyewutheruwthgrjtbg
i recently found out that my best friend is pro ana :D
tgjkhyrkjgheriluyvgtnhertyerkjtyvresatihgjktjgjyyjhught7erjvthjtiluehyghkityuhjk5yhhetyrheskghdr45
i finally have someone to keep me in check, fuckyes. so happy right now
so
so
so
so
so
happy

Sunday, October 24, 2010

...

i need to get back into habit.
that's all i have to say.

Friday, September 17, 2010

look who's back

Okay, I’m back. I’m sorry its been so long. First my laptop crashed and it was way too risky to post on the desktop, where my parents could check the history and whatnot, and then I got grounded from EVERYTHING including the computer.

As far as Ana goes, I haven’t really been on my game. I’m back in the 130s. But I’m not beating myself up over it because I “took a break from it” and did a lot of stress eating after a loved one passed away. Tomorrow would be his 3rd birthday and my family is going to spend it together, where I’m sure there’ll be food and I’m going to eat regularly tomorrow, then its back to habit.

Now, onto my venting about personal life:

- About a month ago, my girlfriend told me she thinks she’s developing an eating disorder. She says she never eats. She is pretty skinny, but I know for a fact she eats. As someone who has gone a month without eating, I know what you act and look like if you’ve gone that long with no or little food. And she doesn’t look like it. At all. Why she would lie about that, knowing that I used to struggle with an eating disorder (she doesn’t know I still am, although I don’t consider it a struggle), I have absolutely no idea. It makes me wonder what else she’s lied about. She says she’s a cutter & that if she doesn’t stop, her parents are sending her to Chicago in November but now I don’t even know if that’s true. Part of me doesn’t even think she’s gay, that its just another lie. I don’t know what to do.
- My best friend just got sent to rehab after being released from a mental hospital for wanting to kill himself. I want him to get better, but I want him to stay here. I’m just going to miss him so much. And he’s going to miss my birthday, :/. I know its selfish, but I want him here with me. He’s what makes my life bearable.
- Bryson. He was the cutest, sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful little boy I’ve ever met. Its not fair that he, of all people, had his life taken. Not fair at all. I miss him so much already and its only been a week.
- My parents. They’ve always been really complicated. They got married when I was in second grade, divorced when I was in fourth and my dad moved out for six months and came back. They weren’t together, just roommates who happened to have a kid together. My mom dated other people, and I’m sure my dad too. Last year my mom’s friend moved in with us and they ended up dating. My dad found out and got extremely pissed about it and decided he wanted to try again with my mom so now there’s all this drama in the house and they keep trying to get me involved. Like, my dad will ask me all these questions about what my mom’s said and my mom does the same thing. And its just stressing me the fuck out.

Now that that’s over. Back to business. I’m in the early 130’s right now. I want to be back in the early 120’s by the end of the month. Its going to require a ot of fastung and restricting and I’m going to need help to do so. If you wanna be an ana text buddy of mine, shoot me an email at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. You can also add me on my ana facebook, or my real one if you have a real one. Just don’t talk about ana stuff publicly.

LiveLoveThinkAna, xoxo

Sunday, August 15, 2010

My computer crashed which is why there’s been a lack of posts lately. Its still not fixed and its really not safe to use this one so this will be short until I get mine fixed.

I’ve been stuck eating for about two/three weeks now. I’m too scared to get back on the scale until I’ve fasted for a few days. I’ve been pretty sad lately so not eating should be relatively easy.

School’s started; there’s a bunch of drama that I’ll get into when I have time.

That’s all I have time for, sorry guys. I’m just super paranoid.

Think thin, stay strong xoxoxo

Friday, July 23, 2010

I ate so much yesterday. I was up a pound yesterday anyway, so I’m just not going to get on the scale today. And since I had a 500 calorie day in the plan, I’m just using yesterday as my 500 cal day. I’m fasting for the next four days; liquids only for the first two days & water only for the second two. Time to get into high gear. I don’t have that much longer until school starts & I still have over ten pounds to lose.

Yesterday at the psychiatrist, she told me I looked like I had lost a bunch of weight and I looked like a whole new person. I weighed 136 pounds the last time she saw me, yesterday I was 133. I don’t understand why she thought I had lost so much weight, but she wouldn’t stop talking about it. It made me feel really good.

I’m calling the rest of the summer Back to School Boot Camp. Its going to be hardcore. I’m only giving myself one eating day a week. And I’m working out twice a day. I need to meet this goal. I NEED TO!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Its five am and I just woke up. I ate more yesterday than I would have liked and I had a chocolate chip granola bar. Damn. I just know that when I get on the scale in four hours, it’ll say that I’m back up to 134. Fuck. Yesterday I had chicken noodle soup, a muffin, a slice of cheddar and a slice of pepperjack cheese on a mini bagel, a Pepsi, and miso soup. Everything besides the Miso Soup and Pepsi was eaten before one, and I walked a ½ mile & did some situps, and I slept for ten hours and sleep supposedly burns calories. My stomach is growling so I hope my day of gluttony kick started my metabolism but didn’t stick too much to my ribs. Speaking of, after stretching shirtless in the mirror, I think about ten pounds from now I’ll be able to see ribs without sucking in. That’s something to look forward to!

I have therapy today, which means a drug test. I guess its good that I’ve been drinking loads of water lately. And I hope these Azo pills have helped. If I fail however many drug tests, I have to go to inpatient rehab. That’s not at all something I want any part of.

I think I’m going to take a little nap before I weigh myself, hopefully I’ll burn some cals doing so.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 4 of the Back to School Challenge

Weight: 132

Today was my 300 calorie day, and I’m pretty sure I went over 300 cals but not too much. I had chicken noodle soup (220 cals) at midnight and then a muffin (? cals) at around nine. So all my calories were before noon, which means I can probably burn them all off before bed. I’m water fasting for the rest of the day.

I bought three cucumbers for my next eating days so I won’t be tempted to binge. And I’ve put multiple water bottles in various places (like six in the fridge, two in the freezer, & three in the outside freezer) so I always have cold water on hand.

I’m watching this MTV Documentary called “Return to Fat Camp” and its pretty thinspiring. I’ve seen it a billion times but it always gets my Ana mindset up and running. Not that I was having trouble. I actually feel really strong these days. I love the feeling of hunger and I love seeing the number on the scale drop each day, even if it is only one digit less. It feels really good. AND last night on my walk, I realized that my thighs don’t rub together as awkwardly as they did before. They still touch and they do rub, but its not nearly like it was this time two weeks ago. Can’t stop progress, right?

So I was looking at myself in the mirror and looking at what I wanted to change and blah blah blah & I think I like my curves (if that’s what you want to call ‘em), but I NEED a flatter stomach, a thinner face, thinner thighs, & thinner arms. My arms are the worst. Because I can’t do pushups and I don’t have weights or anything, I don’t really know how to tone them up at all. Any suggestions, feel free to share!

The rest of today will consist of writing an essay for my therapist and burning calories. Fun day ahead, right?

Stay strong, think thin xoxoxo

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

blah

Weight: 133

Its 11am and I still haven’t been to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, ran in place for ten minutes, attempted (failed) a few pushups, & did sixty something sit ups. I’ve finished one liter of water. I’m trying to get three in today. I have a slight headache, but other than that I feel great. Its good to feel like I’m in control again.

I’ve realized that I post too many entries daily, so I’m just going to open a word document everyday and type on it all day and then just post it right before bed. Posts will probably be longer because of this but not too many people read this, so I’m not too worried haha.

**
I’ve been thinking and I realized that since school starts soon, I’m going to have to start planning differently. So I think I’m going to try to eat one meal on school days, lunch, and bring something small and healthy. Ideas for school lunches (this is really just to help me remember when school starts):
• Rice cakes
• A cucumber & ranch
• Hummus
• Pre-packaged cubed fruit
• Bananas and peanut butter

Yeeeah.

***
Its 2:14 am, I’ve had three hot chocolates and two liters of water since this time yesterday. No solid food. The hunger is starting to kick in and it feels nice. I’m going to have one more hot chocolate and take a shower and try to go for a walk without waking anyone up.

Monday, July 19, 2010

complaints and confusion

Its 6:30 am and I haven’t been to bed yet. I’ve been reading “Ana tips and tricks” on the internet all night. Trying to stay thinspired. I still haven’t eaten but I did have a cup of hot chocolate at like 4.

Can I just bitch for a minute? Okay. This chick that I go to school with is fat. Not morbidly obese or anything but any Ana would declare her fat. And she pretends that she’s skinny. Like she asks skinny people to borrow their clothes as if they’re going to fit her & she always talks about how much weight she’s losing and blah blah blah. But she ALWAYS begs people for food at school. Like seriously, every fucking day. So I was on Facebook (my real one, not my ana one) and she posted a status that was all “I’ve gotten down to eating one meal a day… Probably not healthy.” And someone liked it and she was like “Thanks for liking my eating disorder!” and it pissed me the fuck off. I know it shouldn’t piss me off as bad as it did, but like seriously? I’m putting myself through HELL and have been for like a year now, the restricting, the fasting, the fucking freezing showers, the midnight runs, the tears cried over numbers, the lies told, the friendships and relationships ended, the personal HELL and she doesn’t know a fucking thing about it and she’s just joking about it like its no big thing. Ugh. It fucking pisses me the fuck off.

But as much as it pissed me off, it motivated me. She’s fucking fat. I want to shed so much weight and show her what an eating disorder looks like. And when I see her at lunch stuffing her fat face, I’ll sit up straight and sip my water like a fucking boss because I’m not weak enough to be a fucking fatass. I’ll show her. Ugh.


Liquid fasting again today. I might even water fast just to spite her. I don’t know. The hot chocolate earlier was AMAZING and I’m pretty sure its low cal so I might make another cup for breakfast and then water fast the rest of the day.

So anyways. I know people say that freezing showers burn more calories and stuff, but I was thinking about it earlier and I’m confused. I have a friend who’s on the wrestling team and when he has to lose a few pounds to stay in his weight class, he sweats as much as possible because the more you sweat, the more weight you lose. So wouldn’t hot showers be just as/more beneficial? Also, at brunch yesterday my mom was talking about this diet book she’s reading and it says that drinking a bunch of water simply expands your stomach and makes you hungrier in the long run. Does anyone know anything that could clear this up?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

sunday brunch

I couldn’t get on the scale this morning, so I’m not sure where I am. Today was pretty successful though. Yay!

My sleep schedule is completely fucked, so I usually don’t go to sleep until noon. But today, my dad walks in my room at like 10:30 and says “We’re going to brunch.” Now, I should probably tell you that my family isn’t the “Sunday Brunch” type. At all. We kind of all just do our own thing and pretend the others don’t exist. So I was a little scared/shocked. So we got to the restaurant before it was open and my mom was like “Fuck this, let’s go to Starbucks.” I was relieved because I was supposed to be liquid fasting and I could drink coffee and no one would suspect anything. So I got a caramel frap and we all sat outside.

Then when 11 came, they decided they still wanted to go to brunch. So we want back to the restaurant and everyone orders drinks (except me, I’m the only minor). So while everyone is getting tipsy, I’m planning on ways to get out of eating. The waiter came back to take our orders and I said I wasn’t ready, so everyone else ordered another drink. By the time I “was ready”, everyone had a slight buzz. The plan had worked.

So I ordered a biscuit plate, which is just four biscuits. And when the food comes, everyone is all wrapped up in drunken conversation that no one even pays attention to me. When the waiter came back to refill our drinks or whatever, I quickly asked him for a box and by the time anyone noticed that I hadn’t eaten, it was all boxed up and put away. Sunday Brunch = not a single bite.

We came home and I toked and fell asleep until eleven and I got my leftovers and chew/spat three of them and gave one to my dog. I still haven’t eaten anything today. And it feels awesome.

I didn’t even drink half of my coffee or my coke at the restaurant. So I’m guessing I’m at about 100 liquid cals for today. :D

I’m going to go take a smoke break, then take an icy cold shower and look at thinspo. I want to meet this goal. I will do it.

Think thin, stay strong xoxoxo

new challenge

School starts on August 11, which means if I’m going to reach my goal I have 24 days to lose 19 pounds. I honestly don’t know if I can do it but I’m sure as hell going to try. If 134 is how much I am with water weight from my period, and I lose a pound a day until school starts, I’d say I have a pretty decent shot at making it. This is my first REAL challenge since embracing Ana again. I’m going to try harder than I’ve ever tried before to make it.

I’ve got to make my plan. Okay.
Day 1 (today) – Liquid Fast.
Day 2 – Liquid Fast.
Day 3 – Fruit smoothie for breakfast; water fast the rest of the day.
Day 4 – 300 calories
Day 5 - Liquid fast
Day 6 – Liquid fast
Day 7 – 500 calories
Day 8 – Water fast
Day 9 – Liquid fast
Day 10 – Fruit only
Day 11 – Water fast
Day 12 – Water fast

I’ll try to stick to this plan as much as possible and see how it goes, then plan the next half of the challenge later on in the month.

If a situation comes up were I absolutely cannot get out of eating, I’ll restrict. Hard.

No more soft drinks. No more hot showers. No more sleeping with blankets. Its time to get down to business.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Saturday, July 17, 2010

little blessings

Its nine oclock pm & I just checked my weight. The scale says 134. I honestly don’t even know how that’s possible because I’m on my period AND I’ve eaten at least one meal a day for the past few days. But I’m not complaining. Not by any means.

I had a few sips of coffee for breakfast (9amish) and a six inch turkey with swiss, pickles & mustard for dinner (about 30 minutes ago). No one’s home right now so I may go out for a run/jog and just hope my knee doesn’t dislocate.

My friend who’s out of the country (since he’s my best friend, I figure I should give him an alias. We’ll call him Mike) gets back in fourteen days. I still want to be 125 when I go to the airport to greet him. And I still don’t know when school starts, but I want to be 115 or less by the first day.

Since I’m supposedly (I still don’t believe it) at 134 right now, I think I’m going to liquid fast until I’m back in the 120’s. I’ve lost five pounds in a day before, so its not like it’ll be hard to do. So the next two days will consist of freezing showers, AC turned way up, lots of water and coffee, and lots of movement. I’ll start it out as a two day liquid fast and if I’m not down by the second night, I’ll change it to a water fast.

So I know this sounds bad, but I wanna do coke again. I’m pretty much a legit pothead. I toke all the time & I pop prescription pills sometimes. I’ve done coke a few times and lately I’ve really really really been wanting to get back into it. I know that sounds terrible, but I can’t help it. Its not like an addiction, I just want to. I don’t know how to explain it. When Mike gets home, he told me he’d get in touch with the guy he gets it from. So I guess its just a waiting game.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Today was a bad day. A bad day indeed.

A. I have the worst cramps IN THE WORLD.
B. I figured I’d eat a low cal breakfast to get my metabolism working & ten minutes after I finished, my dad brought me McDonalds.
C. I went to sleep at 9am (my sleeping schedule gets out of whack during summer) and woke up at 2; then went back to bed at 4 and woke up at 8, and my dad asked me to eat dinner with him. It was Olive Garden. I barely touched my pasta because I’m trying to go carbless but I ate like three breadsticks.
D. I can’t work out due to MY FUCKING UTERUS COMING OUT OF MY BELLYBUTTON.

Tomorrow I’m fasting. I’ll tell my dad I’m sick and just drink water all day. Nothing else.


In other news: I asked out a friend of mine & she said yes. So yay. But we were talking and I said “Besides, if I was going bulimic again I wouldn’t tell you about it.” and she said “I know. Because I’d beat you.” More people to keep a secret from. Awesome.

They upped my dosage and its making me hallucinate worse than usual. AND I read that weight gain is a side affect of it. Awesome x2.

I’m just in a really foul mood. I’ll post some thinspo and smoke a few cigarettes and hope for the best, I guess.

Stay strong, think thin xoxo.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

getting back to buisness day 3

Weight: 135 (this morning)

I got through the day drinking just water & then ate a little bit (less than 400 cals) of Hamburger Helper, made with turkey instead of beef and lima beans. I put it in a mug rather than a bowl (for a smaller portion) and chewed each bite 30 times.

I also found out that my friend who’s out of the country doesn’t come back on the sixteenth. So I’ve got sixteen days to lose ten pounds to meet my goal. Its possible.

Gotta kick it into high gear. Think thin, stay strong. xoxo

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

can't stop progress

Weight: 136

I woke up at four am and broke fast. Two slices of leftover pizza from last night & a coke. But I just got back from power-walking a half mile for each slice & I sweat enough to have burned them off. Once I’ve posted this, I’m going to take a freezing shower and try to move around as much as possible before my doctor’s appointment.

A weird thing happened on my walk. When I start to get tired, I usually put my hands on my hips and slow down a little. Today when I did it, I felt smaller. I think it was because usually I wear a tshirt and today I was wearing just a hoodie, but it still felt good. So I plan on liquid fasting again today. The only problem is the appointment. Its not just a regular doctor; it’s the psychologist. Every time we go to the psychologist, my mom and I stop at Jack in the Box on the way home. Its always just how its been. I don’t know why. But I have to try to find a way out of it today. Maybe I’ll just get a milkshake or something and then drink nothing but water for the rest of the day.

I’ve read 100 pages of Stick Figure and its keeping me inspired. If you haven’t read it, you should! When I finish, I’m going to reread Wasted and then reread Skinny. Staying thinspired. :)

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Monday, July 12, 2010

My original goal was to liquid fast until 1am. Its 10:50pm and I haven’t wavered yet. Its been hard, but I guess the first day back into it always is. Hopefully I can get some sleep and wake up feeling fine. Although my stomach is screaming at me, in my mind I have absolutely NO desire to eat. Its depressing because I used to be able to fast for days without any problems. Once I get back into the swing of things, I’m not giving up again. Not til I’m thin enough.

So far today I’ve had cranberry juice, green tea, & two cream sodas. Not sure about the calorie content but its no solid food which has to count for something. Plus, green tea is zero cals. So snaps for that.

Funny story: Silas texted me last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I honestly didn’t know I was gay when I dated him, but I should have. He would literally have to beg me to peck him on the mouth. We never held hands or made out. So many clues looking back on it. Whatever. Anyway, so after talking to him last night I honestly have no idea what I was doing last year. Honestly. He’s so pathetic. I can’t even believe he of all people is the one who made me give up thinness. Ugh.

I’m done with assholes & dumb bitches. I’m just going to eat, sleep, and breathe Ana and not give two fucks about anything or anyone else. HELLO!

Think thin, stay strong. xoxoxo

smooth sailing.

Its dinnertime. Pizza. & I’m not even phased. I pulled the pizza out of the oven and I stared at it and smelled it and I didn’t even want a slice. :D. The fast has been successful so far. I’ve had a mug of cranberry juice, a cup of green tea, & I’m drinking some cream soda right now. My stomach’s been growling for hours and it feels empty and wonderful. I love being empty.

I was watching DeGrassi today and it was the two part episode about Emma’s eating disorder. So thinspiring. I’m also rereading Stick Figure. I’m hoping that I’ll be inspired enough to fast all week. I guess we’ll see how it goes.

I also got a new texting buddy! :D I’m always looking for more, so if you’re ever interested shoot me an email at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. Or just message me on facebook, if we’re friends. If not add me (:

So far fasting is going great. I hope you guys are doing well too. Think thin, stay strong xoxo.

Day 1 of Getting Back to Buisness

Weight: 137 lbs.

Well shit. I’m exactly where I started off last week; closer to 140 than 130. Fuck. I imported all the posts from the old blog & I’ve been reading them all night. I was so good back then. What the fuck happened?

Liquids only today. No exceptions. Liquids only until I’m under 126. I know its possible. I used to liquid fast all the time. It takes 3 days to build a habit. This is day one. Do any of you know some good low cal drinks? I’m allergic to aspartame, so I can’t drink diet coke which sucks because diet coke is like THE ana beverage. Pretty much all I have is water, tea, coffee, & cranberry juice right now. I guess I’ll just go off of that for now.


I’m declaring this fast The Getting Back To Business Fast. Rules for The Getting Back to Business Fast:

• Liquids only (obviously)
• Every other day have a cup of plain chicken broth
• Smoothies do not count as a liquid
• Stay under 300 cals a day


After reading all my posts from Fat is Not an Option, I know I can last four days without eating. Surely I can be down to 126 lbs by then. Surely.

Think thin, lovelies. Stay strong! xoxo

getting my head in the game

6:40 am. She’s about to leave for work, which means I can weigh in and see how much damage was done. I just hope its not over 135 again. When I started my ana journey I was 126 lbs. I’ll feel like a failure until I’m under that.

I’m going to try to eat as little as possible today. I want try my first legit fast since I came back. Nothing but liquids until six am tomorrow. Wish me luck!


xoxo

thinspo.












god, i can't wait to be thin.

fml.

Today sucked. I ate three pieces of leftover pizza and some cookies and didn’t work out AT ALL. And I can’t use the scale until tomorrow morning. God damn it. FUCK.

I’m so upset right now. I just can’t believe I fucked up after only three days. Fuck.

I’m about to post some thinspo to help my mind get back on track.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

fail fail fail.

My internet was being jank yesterday & wouldn't let me post. So here's yesterday's:

I went to subway’s website and found that a six inch turkey is 280 cals. Not as bad as I was thinking. I also used my mom’s scale (I’ve been using a different one) and said I was 136. I honestly can’t believe after last night’s workout, any scale would tell me I’m UP A FUCKING pound from yesterday. Honestly. There’s no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY. Ugh. So much for freezing myself.

I feel like its time to make a new plan. Not that I ever really had a set plan or anything, I just kinda eat soup when I’m really hungry or can’t get out of food and drink lots of fluids. But I came up with a plan on my walk last night & I’m going to try it out for a week or two, just to see how it works.

Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays = vegan days. Strict vegan diet (no meat, dairy, poultry, etc).
Tuesdays & Thursdays = no carb days. (no bread, pasta, cereal, etc)
Saturdays and Sundays = liquids only days (this includes soups and smoothies)

I’ll try to stay around 300 cals every day and getting over 450 is absolutely unacceptable.


I also need to find new ways to burn calories. The power-walking thing is giving me shin splints. What do you guys do for workouts? I have a bad knee so I can’t run very often. I can’t swim, so that’s a no go for the time being. Reading other blogs, that’s what I see most anas do. I don’t know.

I’m just really disappointed about the scale. Fuck.


****

So here's the deal about the scale sitch. My bathroom is pretty much the hallway between my & (to save us all some time and confusion, we’ll just call her my) sister’s room. We used to have a scale in our bathroom, but she moved it back into her room & I can only use it when she’s not home. She works Mon-Fri, 8-4, so its easy to just walk in, take it out, weigh myself & put it back during the week. But the weekends aren’t as easy, & that’s always when I need it the most. Siiigh.


So yesterday was a fail. My friend came over and we ordered pizza. As we were ordering I thought to myself “Fuck. This will stop my progress. Fuck.” But she was super hungry and it was too late to be like “oh, nevermind.” Without her asking questions and I couldn’t think of any legit excuses. So we ordered. & I was planning on eating one slice. Easy. It’d be simple to burn off & I could just skip my one allotted meal the next day. No biggie. But then the pizza came. Mushrooms & pineapple (my absolute favorite) and mushrooms and pepperoni + an order of those chicken things Domino’s has. The smell entered my nose & I felt like a completely different person. I chomp chomp chomped my way through the first slice & piece of chicken. Took a sip of Pepsi. Before I knew what I was doing I was in the middle of my third slice. Then my dad came in to give my cat some food and found my weed. “We’ll talk about this later.” He said angrily before walking out. And that’s when the stress eating began. I don’t even know how much I ate but I know it was a lot. More than allowed. More than necessary.

At around 1am I wanted an Icee. So I scrounged up my change from the pizza and headed out the door to the gas station that’s pretty close to my house. The walk there has to be around two miles. And I walked it to and from. Which is four miles. But I wasn’t power-walking or jogging, just regular walking. I don’t know if that burned anything or not.

I can’t weigh myself, except with my mom’s scale, but I don’t trust that scale. I woke up extremely hungry this afternoon. EXTREMELY. My stomach looks bigger but maybe I’m just imagining things. I don’t know. I’m going to eat some grapes & nothing else. Tomorrow will be just a fruit day too.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well. And one social interaction ruined it. I didn’t want to have to ever say this but I guess I’m left with no choice. Its time to burn bridges and become a loner. I can’t risk being faced with food every week. I have goals to meet. I’ll get all my friends back when I’m thin. But until that day, my only friends will be the scale & my hunger pains.

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

Saturday, July 10, 2010

meh.

I couldn’t weigh myself this morning, fml.
So I don’t know how much I lost or if I lost any at all.

And I had a six inch turkey (with swiss, mustard, & pickles) from Subway and a few chips with a root beer for lunch, idk how many calories that is.

Blah.

insomnia.

Ah, insomnia. I’ll just use this time to blog, since I’ve got nothing else to do.

I did it. I walked the street up and down six times. By the fifth time, I was weak in the knees and I felt like I was going to vomit (unintentionally) but when I bent down with my hands on my knees and closed my eyes all I could see was those red numbers on the scale reading: 129. Reaching the 120s is my goal this week and that visualization gave me just the boost I needed to finish. I got home and got in a freezing shower while chugging a bottle of water that I had put in the freezer when I went to walk. Maybe it’s the exhaustion from more strenuous activity than I’ve had in a long long long time, but I already feel a little lighter. The walk made me extremely hungry so I ate a few mini pickles and a stale cracker. I don’t know how many calories it was exactly but I know it was less than 50.

I really like the feeling of hunger. Even though I haven’t gotten back into LEGIT fasting, I have been taking in generally around/under 300 calories the past few days which I AM NOT used to after my month or so of fucking up and its left me really hungry. The feeling of hunger is addictive; a feeling I forgot about completely. It takes three days to form a habit and tomorrow (well, technically later today) will be day three of this soup/few carbs and walk-workout habit. I hope I stick to it.

I think I have shin splints. Whatever, the pain will be worth it when I’m thin.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying to type this post for over an hour. Fuck. I’m so sad and tired and I don’t know what to do. I better be down tomorrow.

Stay strong, ladies. ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxoxo

Friday, July 9, 2010

walking and freezing

Just got back from another power walk. The street I live on is either a mile long or a half mile long (I think its half) and I only walked it up and down twice this time. I’m going back out in a few minutes to try and walk it again as many times as possible. I just wanted to make sure I wrote again before bed and idk if I’ll have the energy afterwards.

When summer started, my goal was to reach my UG (98 lbs) before the first day of school. But I messed up and slacked for half a month. So its time to change up the goals. I have a friend who’s out of the country right now. He comes home on the 16th and I’m supposed to be at the airport when he arrives. I want to be 125 lbs by then. Its totally do-able I think. Also, school starts sometime in August. I want to be at or under 115 by the first day. This is also do-able, I think. I want to reach by UGW by New Year’s. Hello, motivation.

I don’t really know if freezing yourself works, but I’m starting it tonight. When I get back from walking I’m going to take a freezing cold shower and then turn my fan on, the AC down, take the comforter off of my bed and sleep in just a sports bra and underwear. We’ll see how it works.

Walking my street three times resulted in two pounds lost. Let’s see what walking it six times plus freezing does.

Stay strong, lovely ladies! ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

more thinspo.






that first one really inspired me. i want that kind of progress.

food log for 7/9

condensed vegitarian vegetable soup - 90 cals
ritz fresh stack - 250 cals
2 mini pickles - 5 cals
venti caramel frap from starbucks - 510 cals (:/)

things are finally looking up.

Weight: 135 lbs.

Looks like the early am power walk did the trick! I’m down two pounds and feeling inspired. If I can lose two pounds a day for the rest of the week, I’ll be back to 130 in no time. Then I’ll be back to where I started from & I can start losing significantly, :D.

I’ve already had a bottle of water and I’m about to make some tea. When the sun goes down a little bit I’m going to go for another power walk. If I can lose two pounds walking for an hour after eating three bowls of potato soup, imagine how much I can lose if I don’t eat anything and walk for longer!

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

thinspo :D
























































Its 4am and I just got in from an hour long power walk. I ate three bowls of potato soup, so I power walked (I have a bad knee so I can’t run very often) a half mile for each bowl I ate. I’m also fasting today. Liquids only until 1am tomorrow. I’m so tired. It feels wonderful. I hope I’m down tomorrow.

Plan for tomorrow is as follows:
• wake up & do ten minutes of cardio, then do 15 sit ups.
• check weight, blog, & look at thinspo.
• breakfast (black coffee or unsweetened tea)
• household chores. (laundry, clean my room, scrub my toilet/bathtub)
• start rereading Wasted.
• Wii Fit
• Walk my dog
• Whatever happens to come up.

I’m hoping that if I plan my day out, I can stick to it and not have time to be around food. So we’ll see how it goes. I have a new pack of cigarettes and enough coffee and tea to last me at least a week. I’m just going to take it a day at a time but I hope I can go a week with no/minimal eating.

I think to get in the mood for this fast, I’m going to post some thinspo.

Think thin, stay strong!



i've decided to post pictures of my self biweekly to inspire myself. hopefully looking at it will make me not want to eat. so here's week one's photos.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

food log for 7/8/10

8 fl oz of cranberry juice: cals: 40, fat cals: 0

2 mini pickles - 5 cals

2 more mini pickles - 5 cals

potato soup - no nutrition information :/

Sometimes I really just feel like giving up. That sounds more dramatic than I mean. I mean, its like this whole thing used to be so much easier than it is now. And I’m not completely back. Like, as much as I desperately want to be thin, I haven’t gotten back to the point where I’m literally scared of meals. I’m not back to the point that I’m working out nonstop and scared of not doing so. I’m not all the way in it again. So in theory, I could still get out. I could delete my ana Facebook and stop posting on this blog and eat like a normal person and attempt to be happy. Or I could sit it out and try harder and eventually get back to where I left off before I met Silas.

Part of me wants to just give it all up. I’m not losing. Its becoming harder and harder to even put forth the right effort. But then there’s the other part. The part that dreams of a thin, beautiful Pixie. The part that knows it takes 3 days to make a habit. The part that can’t stand the reflection in the mirror & has to shower with the lights off because she absolutely cannot stand to see her fat, ugly self. The part that knows all the tips and tricks. The part that no matter what, makes time to talk to her extremely helpful ana texting buddy (http://letters-from-ana.blogspot.com/). As I’m sitting here typing this, I want to pull this Pixie from out of the shadows. I want to wake her up from her slumber and kick her ass into high gear. But typing motivational words and acting on them are two completely things.


I woke up 137 lbs today. 137. I had over 770 calories yesterday & I didn’t work out at all. I could sit here and say that its not my fault; that my dad brought me the McDonalds, but he didn’t shove it down my throat. And I didn’t do anything yesterday. I sat inside ALL DAY. I’m beginning to realize that when I started this the first time, I was 120 pounds. It was easier to lose then; I didn’t have to work as much. It just really hit me that if I want this, I’m going to have to really work for it. Its not a matter of picking the healthier choice and only eating half of it anymore. Its going to require intense fasting, hard workouts, & lots of self motivation. Its time to start taking responsibility for MY actions. I can’t blame my eating on my parents all the time, because half the time it isn’t even their fault. I’m not skinny enough for people to beg me to eat yet. So until that happens, I’ve got to watch out for myself. Do this on my own. Stop depending on other people to motivate and thinspire me.

On a side note, yesterday I had a BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT: I looked in the mirror at my stomach and thought to myself, “its really not as bad as it could be.” This is completely irrelevant, but it felt important at the time. Anyways.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ll either make coffee or a smoothie when I’m done typing this, probably. Its currently 86 degrees outside, so I think I’m going to wait until late afternoon to go jog. In the meantime, I’ll try to move as much as possible; burn as many calories as I can.

I know I said I’d be logging my food on here, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m really going to do it though. Starting today. And I’m going to try to blog every day, sometimes maybe even multiple times a day. I’m also going to make my phone wallpaper something thinspirational & put little motivational somethings around my room. I might not be ana again just yet, but making pro-ana my life again is a step in the right direction.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My mom hid the scale again. Fuck. So I don’t know how much I’ve gained. I’ll search around for it tomorrow while she’s at work, I guess.

There really isn’t much to update. I ate dinner at a friend’s house for a fourth of July barbeque, and then three meals the next day. So its time to fast. For real. I cancelled all of my plans for the next three days. Not a piece of food will enter my mouth & if it does, it will be chewed and spat. Gotta get down before this weekend or I will lose my mind.

The other day when I was in the shower, I sucked in my stomach and just stared at it. When my stomach is flat without me having to suck it in, I will be the happiest girl in the world. I dream about it at night. Its almost unhealthy. Fuck it, it is unhealthy. Its all I think about. I want it so badly.

Three days. Just liquids. Lots of exercise. I’ll do it.

Also, starting tomorrow (well, technically later today. Its five am, I just havent been to bed) I’ll be logging my food intake daily. I feel like if I see how much I eat throughout a normal day, it’ll compel me to eat less and eventually be more. <3.

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fast didn’t exactly work as planned. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been & I do have hunger pains right now, so I’ve got something to go off of. I learned today that people are my weakness. That’s what always stops my progress; going out with friends. It usually happens before I even know it has. I’ll just suddenly realize that I’ve been eating normally just to “fit in” and not raise any eyebrows. I realized that in order to make progress and reach my goals, I’m going to have to become a loner. Which won’t be hard to do, considering the fact that I really already am a loner. I have about three real friends and a bunch of acquaintances. I’m not too far off.

Its currently 3:11 am. (any 311 fans out there?) Since I don’t have any plans with friends today, I’m going to fast until 3:30 am tomorrow. Liquids only. I’m a caffeine junkie and I’m addicted to Pepsi. I usually drink like three a day. In a 12 oz can of Pepsi, there’s 150 cals, 0g of fat, & 41g of sugar. Multiply that by three and that makes 450 cals, 0g of fat, & 123g of sugar a day in liquids alone. I know its going to be ridiculously hard, but I’m going to have to cut back on my Pepsi intake. I’m going to have to replace it with water, tea, & coffee. I think THAT’S going to be tougher than not eating, honestly. I just have to remind myself that it’ll be worth it that glorious morning I step on the scale and the red numbers flash: 98. Ambition.

Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. These are the things I want to see thinner. I just have to chant that in my head during the day. “Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face.”

I really hate being fat. I really hate it. I feel bad for hating it because I honestly can’t stand the way society wants girls to hate their bodies and I am all for “sticking it to the man” and doing the opposite of what’s popular or in, but I can’t help it. I honestly hate my body. Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I haven’t seen THE world, I only know mine. And the one thing I want to change about my world is hating the reflection in the mirror. So I’m changing it. Plain and simple.

Stay strong, ladies and germs. ThinkLiveLove Ana.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

i'm baaaaaack.

so, i'm doing a 24 hour liquid fast for the first time in months. i've been doing semi-minimal eating for the past couple of days, and it hasn't really done anything at all. i'm at 135 lbs right now which is bittersweet because it is down from earlier this week but at the same time, its almost twenty pounds over how much i was this time last year. so, i'm hoping this fast will give me some clarity and some motivation.



good news is, most of the time my new meds actually do suppress my apetite.



and now for the current drama in my life, since i have no where else to blog about it.

i'm gay. i've known for a while now but at first, i hated it. i was raised around gay people, and i have absolutely no problem with it but i just wanted to be "normal." i wanted to be like all the other girls and dream of a wedding and blah blah blah but when i realized that i'm gay and won't have that, it kind of crushed me. so i kept it secret for a long time; the only person that knew was the girl i was in love with.



but recently (within the last few months), i started coming out to my friends and eventually my mom. she was totally fine with it. but my dad's been out of town and he just got back to find his daughter with a mohawk. his immediate response was "so how many times have you been asked if you're coming out?" he didn't say it with a smile or a laugh, and didnt even look me in the eye when he said it, so i didnt know how to respond.



i'm scared of him. i really am. and i'm scared of what would happen if he found out. so i'm not ready to tell him. but how long can a person go with one parent knowing something like that and the other one not knowing? the whole thing is stressing me out, but i guess that's good because i'm stressed, my stomach aches and when my stomach aches, i can't eat. so i guess ana is looking out for me, after all.



so there's that. and that's pretty much everything that's going on in my "real life." now back to my ana life.



i need to make a new plan; make some new rules and set up a goal system. obviously what i've been doing isn't working because i've failed like three or four times. so time to get back to the drawing board.



i'm currently at 135 lbs. which makes the total of weight i want to lose 37 pounds. during what i call my "successful summer" i lost 35 pounds, so i know its possible. the problem is, i didnt do anything structured that summer. i didnt even know what pro ana was back then. so i dont really remember what i did to lose that weight. so i'm pretty much starting from scratch.



the hunger just started kicking in. stomach's growling. i can't help but smile.



anyways. i think i'm going to try liquid fasting every other day for a couple of weeks and see what kind of results i get. and on the days that i do eat, i'll pretty much try to stay within the limits of the rules i set and the safe foods on my safe foods list. and i need to figure out a new work out plan. okay.



new rules for eating:


  • eat only every other day

  • only drink one or less soft drink a day unless its replacing a meal

  • never eat anything bigger than fist

  • chew each bite thirty times

  • never finish everything on the plate

  • brush teeth/rinse mouth with mouthwash before and after every meal

  • don't eat after six

at first i'm leaving them pretty vague and easy to follow. i'm hoping that toward mid/end of july, i'll be used to it and will be able to get more strict.

alright. here we go.

Friday, June 25, 2010


I've slacked. Slacked isn't even the right word. I gave up. I always fucking do. I'm slowly trying to ease my way back into starvation. I'm down to eating one meal a day. I don't know how much I weigh. At this point, I don't care; I know its not as low as it could be.

I think part of my problem is motivation - my reasoning for doing this. I mean, there's the obvious factor: thinness. But there's also that control. I have never once started something and finished it til the end. Never. I want that to change & I want this to be that change.

I want it so bad. I can't even explain it. I'm sticking to it this time, no matter what it takes. I'm going to get re-addicted to the feeling of hunger. I'm going to relive the joy of watching the numbers plummet. I'm going to feel that amazing feeling when people beg me to eat again. I'm doing this.

I just got put on anti-depressants, so hopefully I'll be able to blame my "lack of appetite" on my medicine. Or better yet, maybe it really will knock out my appetite. Wouldn't thaaat be amazing?

I want to be boy skinny. I'm a pretty androgynous lesbian & I want to be skinny enough to be mistaken for a boy. That's my goal. 98 pounds. I can do it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I've messed up. Slacked. Gained.
But now my mom is dieting too, which means we'll only have diet foods in the house. And diet pills ;).

I can still make it.
I just have to work.

If there's a will, there's a way.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

08

I hate myself. I've gained.
Not eating tomorrow. No matter what.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

07

I woke up at 132 pounds this morning. I keep having to remind myself that it may not be lowest weight, but it is lower than yesterday. Gotta win the little battles before the entire war, in the words of Nikki. :) There is so much say about the past 24 hours. I guess I should just start from the beginning.

For those of you who didn't read my other blog, I had a boy. Not a boyfriend, not even an "almost-gunna-be-boyfriend" type thing. He was an ex, and we seemingly still had feelings for each other. We're going to call him Silas. I met Silas in the ninth grade. It was around October. By November, we liked each other and it was obvious to everyone except us. We kept "talking" for seven months. March 30, 2009, we officially started dating. He knew from pretty much the very beginning that I toed the line of Ana and Mia. And he hated it. I mean, really hated it. We made an agreement that he wouldn't smoke pot (this was before I became the lovable stoner I am now) and I'd keep my food down. That's what the deal was and I planned to keep my end of it. After all, you can't throw up what you didn't eat. Needless to say, he found out that I wasn't eating and got pissed. He yelled about how hard it was for him to quit smoking and I was just sitting around looking for loopholes in the deal. And he kept up the act for a long time. Long after I'd found out he never quit smoking the green. The fact that he continued to try to make me feel like shit after he didn't even keep is end of the deal should have been my sign to walk away. But I didn't and by March, we were together. Somehow, by the grace of God, he convinced me to stop. I was eating "normal" sized meals and keeping them down. Letting the numbers on the scale climb higher and higher. And he would say how proud he was of me. And it made me happy. So I kept it up. Until June when we broke up. I know break ups happen to people all the time but it doesn't suck any less when it happens to you. He said "I want us to still be friends. Like close. Like we were before we started dating." Of course, that didn't happen. I didn't see him again until school started, with the exception of one time at a show. And even then we didn't get on friendly terms again until right before he left for boot camp. Now, he's at boot camp and we occasionally write letters. Some of them seeming like the "us" thing was going to happen again.


Pause. As all of this is going on, I am also envolved with someone else. Yes, I know that makes me a "cheater" and whatnot. But its really not how it sounds. She was my best friend (and in all fairness, she was there first). And I just happened to fall in love with her. At first it was innocent. I loved her, she had feelings for me and we flirted. It wasn't any big deal, we were the best of friends, after all. Inseperable. Codependent. And then one night, we got "drunk" and erm.. expressed our love physically. And it just got bad after that. I was torn between the two. I know it sounds bad. But one was my sweet, loving, caring, best friend and one was just some boy who lied to me all the time and told me to die in a puddle of my own bile when he got mad. And I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up. I'll go into detail about that in a later post. But Skye (Did I already mention that we're calling her Skye?) was the only person who knew how to handle me when I got in a bad way. I know it was a selfish thing for me to do and I do regret it, but at the time it seemed like the only way. Mardi Gras weekend, Skye went on a church retreat that she was forced to go to. While she was there, she got "saved" and devoted her life to Christ. Which of course means no homosexuality. So she erased me from her life. No goodbye, no explanation, nothing. She deleted me from Facebook & Myspace, stopped following me on Twitter, and blocked my number. And just like that, she was gone.

Fast forward to the present. Last night I went to the mall with a friend. And guess who I run into not five minutes after being there? Silas. He's back on a weekend leave. Or was. He left at seven this morning. Regardless, I'm finally face to face with him after five months of letter writing. We had a casual conversation and he went back to the people he came with. Then, about twenty minutes later guess who I run into? If you guessed Skye, you are a winner. Needless to say, it was awkward. She gave me a hug and we attempted causal conversation, then she went inside. (We had been standing by the stores outside of the mall) And as I watched her walk away, I started to cry. My friends asked what was up and I told them the whole story and by the time I had finished, she had texted a boy I was with saying "Hey, do you know where Pixie is?" he told her that he was with me & she asked us to meet her. So we did.

I sat next to her in the food court and started talking. We were having a friendly conversation when Silas walked up and sat on the other side. So, here I am sitting between Skye, who I'm still in love with and Silas, who I'm not ready to let go of yet. If you think it was anything but awkward, you are sadly mistaken, my friend.

Skye left. I asked her if there was a chance that we would ever be friends again and she said "I really hope so. Its not up to me." And she hugged me and walked away. Later that night, Silas and I were texting and he came clean. He had been seeing someone else this whole time we've been writing letters and such. So I told him about Skye. And he got pissed. I mean, we eventually apologized and we're on friendly terms now but it doesn't change the fucked up-ness of this whole thing.

So now I'm alone. Completely. And I don't know if I'm gay (which I'm pretttty sure I am), bi, straight, or what. Or what I'm doing. All I really know is: the next time I see either one of them, I want to scary skinny. I want them to know that I'm better off without them, even if I'm not.

Friday, May 21, 2010

06: First of Summer

Its the first day of summer and I'm dedicating summer '10 to weight loss. I woke up at 133 lbs today. Its still higher than my low weight, but its less than yesterday and that's okay for now. I've already had a Special K bar (90 cals) and I'm sipping on some lemon water.





Do you guys ever get hardcore headaches when you're restricting/fasting? Is there a way to prevent them?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

05:

I fucked up yesterday. I got to where I'd spend my whole day and immediately, shit hit the fan.

Mom offered me a bag of chips. I ate them without tasting them.
I was offered McDonald's fries. Scarfed them bitches down quick.
I saw a chocolate covered granola bar in my mom's purse. I choked it down.
Then the guilt kicked in.
I went to the bathroom with full expectations of purging the shit but I hadn't eaten enough to do it successfully. So I was fucked.

Then I got home at around midnight and had Burger King. I'd already fucked up, so why the fuck not, right?



That was my last cheat day. I've had a Special K bar already today. I'm about to have a coffee, and I'm sippin on Pepsi right now. After the coffee, nothing but water. Until tomorrow night.

I really hate my fat fucking self. My thighs are ginormus, my gut is disgusting, my arms are flabby, I can't see my ribs, I've got a double chin when I pull my head back, and I can't see the veins in my arms and hands. All my size 3 jeans are too small now. When I run, my thighs rub together and its awful. I just fucking hate myself, my body. UGH.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

04: Fuck.

Its almost noon and I'm in the process of eating lunch. Three pieces of grapefruit & a homemade smoothie (pineapple and blueberry). I know I said that I'd liquid fast today, but I woke up with an awful headache and I had to eat with the medicine I took. So I will definitely liquid fast tomorrow and Monday to make up.



I'm watching Intervention and its about a girl with bulimia. Is it weird that watching eating disordered people get "recovered" makes me want to starve starve starve? I feel like its supposed to be inspiring and frightening at the same time, but all it does is motivate me. It does scare me, though. As much as I want to get to my goal weight, I would absolutely hate to see my mother cry over me. I wouldn't mind seeing my dad get upset, but every time I make my mom cry it breaks my heart. I hope I can just get to 98 lbs quickly and be done. Part of me knows it won't happen like that at all and the other part of me wants to be optimistic. In the long run, I know I'm in this for life.

My current goal is to be under 110 pounds at the end of summer. Then I want to lose those last twelve pounds before Christmas. I believe I can do it if I stick to it and don't waver anymore.

Friday, May 14, 2010

03: Computer Crash.

My computer crashed last week and I had no way to post. Blah. There wasn't a whole lot going on that you missed out on, guys. I lost two pounds, got stoned and had the munchies, and gained those two pounds back.

There are four days of school left and after that, I am fully devoted to weight loss. I plan on liquid fasting every other day. I really hope I have the strength to do it.

I want to hear from my three followers :D. How are you all? Are you Ana/Mia/EDNOS? What are your goals? Any diet tips/tricks? Favorite bands? Grade in school? I want this blog to be more interactive than the last one was. Y'know? Well, yeah.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Hopefully I can just push the fluids and get out of eating. That would be wonderful.

Oh, by the way, my alias is Pixie Rose. So: Hi, my name is Pixie. What's yours?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

02: Day One

I woke up an hour late and had a coffee (sugar and cream :/), I don't know how many calories. At school I had a few bites of a cinnamon roll and nothing else. Then I got home.

I think its just routine and I'm not used to doing it any other way; I get off the bus, walk home, use the bathroom, eat. Every single day. Today didn't start off so bad - a little bit of jello. Then I saw last night's leftovers and ate some. And some cheese. And a bag of chips. And a Pepsi.

I'll admit, it could have been way worse than it was. But there is most definitely room for improvement. I want to go the rest of the school year & all summer on nothing but cottage cheese, jello, & salad. Liquid fast every other day.Wouldn't it be great if I could pull that off? I'd lose all my weight, no doubt.

Tomorrow I'm going to liquid fast. (water, juice, milk, coke, etc)
Saturday I might just eat soup at each meal.
Then I'm going to start my cottage cheese/jello/salad diet; liquid fasting every other day.

98 pounds, here I come.

sigh.

I said it would be my last post on THIS blog and I wasn't kidding.
Buuuuuuuuut I did make a new one.
Follow? :)

http://thin-for-the-win.blogspot.com/

01: New beginning.

I have this habit.

I'll stop eating for a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks and lose about ten pounds. Then I give up. I'll have money and see a fast food restaurant I just can't pass by or see a curvy girl and think "She's pretty and not skinny. Maybe I can pull it off, too." And I gain back all the weight I lost (and sometimes even more!) And the cycle starts all over again.

I'm done with that. I'm done with this clearly visible belly and these thighs that touch and this chin that doubles up when I pull my head back far enough or these arms that jiggle. I'm done hating what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm done with never being able to find jeans that actually fit. I'm done. I'm going to do whatever it takes to lose 40 pounds and I won't stop until I do. On the first day of school next year, I will be 98 pounds.

I've had a pro ana blog before, (fatisnotanoption-ana.blogspot.com) but it wasn't very serious. This one will be taken seriously. I'm going to record EVERYTHING that goes into my body, keep track of where I am on the scale (how far from my goal I am), and just generally keep it up.

I'm not sure what the point of having an internet blog rather than a physical "Ana Notebook" is. Maybe to give/recieve support and advice from fellow anas? Maybe to give myself a sense of accountability? I don't know. What I do know is:

I am going to get thin or die trying.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I've decided

That this will be my last post on the blog. No one reads it anyway, so its not like it matters. But yeah.

I'm not giving up on Ana, herself. Just the Ana Community. I wish you all the best of luck.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Have any of you read Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb? I'm reading it right now and its pretty interesting. And thinspirational, too. Not like I need any more thinspiration after yesterday.

In my P.E. class, we don't really do anything but we're allowed to walk the track. I don't have any friends in that class but a friend of mine who skips seventh hour all the time was there with me yesterday and walked with me. I usually wear a jacket everyday, but yesterday it was like 100 degrees so I took it off to walk and he was like "Look at your gut! Aww!" and kept like poking my stomach. Then he lifted my shirt and grabbed it. Single most thinspiring thing to ever happen to me, I think.

So now I'm reading as many ana-related books as possible. My goal is still to be 98 lbs on the first day of school next year. The last day of school this year is May 26th. So I've got to keep up the diets, keep up the fasting, and stay motivated. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

I want to know how you all are doing! I hope everyone is staying strong and reaching their goals. Love you all, <3!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

FUCK FOOD.

i'm so done with eating. i tried to slowly ease into it, tried to be seemingly healthy for people's sake but im done with that. i'm done having panic attacks every time i eat a real meal. im done flipping a shit about being invited to dinner with friends. FUCK THAT.

my favorite band (pretty much my life support) sings: "do you know your enemy? do you know your enemy? ya gotta know the enemy." food is the enemy. im done with it.

98 pounds, here i come.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

down two lbs

but still in the 130s, fuck my life.

i've been restricting the past three days and i think i'm going to start fasting tomorrow.
i have 98 (my goal weight) written on my wrist in sharpie and im going to rewrite it every day in order to remind me of my goal every time i go to put something in my mouth. its working so far.

i'm very careful about combining the ana world and the rest of the world, so:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000933844597
feel free to add me. :)


how are you all doing?
stay strong, think thin<3

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

another bad day.

i had chinese for lunch. AND greek for dinner. (cultural, yes. conducive to weight loss, no.)
im soo pissed at myself i can barely stand it. i'm just djvfdsvjhdbvmjsdgvmdsbgvdhvjm ksjabfkd.

im going to sleep it off and hopefully tomorrow will be better. my goal is to be 98 lbs on the first day of my junior year. that leaves me around four months to lose like thirty pounds. ten pounds a month (give or take)? i got this.

i hope you all are doing better than me. think thin, stay strong!


yesterday was bad.

bad bad bad bad. i knew it would be. my mind was completely transfixed on silas and i became completely depressed and ended up binging on macaroni and cheese & taco bell. i know, im a horrible person.

i'm honestly afraid to get on the scale. like, i know when i see it i'll lose all control. so i'm staying away from it for now. today i am water fasting, no excuses. water all day. nothing else. no matter what.


i want to drink at least three liters of water today. i will do it.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

its 10am, i just woke up and im working on my first 90 fake-a-cino. i dont know what my plan is for the day. i dont know anything.i do know that today is the 30th. and that depresses me beyond belief. story time.

of course, it starts with a boy. for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him silas. silas has the most beautiful eyes i've ever known. and i told him so the first time i saw him & that is what started this year of.. this year of shenanigans. i met him in october of 08. we started liking each other in november, although we kept it from each other. by december everyone knew except us and we were dating in march of 09. march 30th to be exact. i'm not one for relationships or the whole "love" thing, but i was in love with silas. i still am in love with him. he’s a bright planet in the dark morning of my existence. somehow seeing him, even with his varied flaws, buoys me with hope. i am better for knowing him.

he knew i was disordered. and he hated it more than anything. it was the one thing in the relationship that caused problems. he would just get so mad about it. i still don't understand why. once, he even said "i dont even care anymore. go die in a puddle of your own bile and see if i give two shits." (it was back when i was just puking.) it killed me that it hurt him. so eventually, i stopped. i gained of course, but in my mind it didnt matter because i was finally with the boy i had spent all school year waiting for. but then he broke up with me. i was fat, alone, depressed, fat, confused, pissed off, and fat. so what's the first thing i did? yup! puked my guts out.

we had gone from texting each other from the moment we woke up, until the moment we fell asleep every day to not talking at all. and i was doing well. without the guilt of hurting him, i was free to starve and puke as i pleased. and then school started and i had to see him in the halls everyday. it was hard seeing him and not being able to hug or at least acknowledge him. eventually, we started talking again. and then he got sent to boot camp.

we kept up communication through letters. and in the letters, he told me he was still in love with me. i dont know what this means for us, but he comes home for a little while on thursday and i'm scared he's going to see how fat i've gotten and change his mind. the whole thing is throwing me out of whack. i cant function right. he's always had this effect on me.

sorry that was so poorly written, im still a little stoned. ha. but i'll try to rewrite it better later.




so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o, i dont know how much i weigh this morning, but im sure its in the 130s. which is in no way okay with me. my overall goal weight is still 98. and i want to be there by the first day of junior year. so i need to get on ittt. im going food minimalist today. giving my body exactly what it needs to function; nothing more. and i'm going to try to go on walks frequently throughout the day. i'll be back in the 120's before spring break is over. i am determined. think thin, stay strong.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

its spring break..

im still not skinny enough.. but ive got until summer. which really isnt that long if you think about it. two months give or take? i dont know, man.

good thing is: i can stay out all day and pretend to have already eaten every day this week. woopwoop. radness.

how are you all doing? it seems like its been forfuckingever since the last time i blog or checked anyone else's blogs..

Sunday, February 21, 2010

before and after Pictures, Images and Photos
before and after Pictures, Images and Photos
hilary duff - before &amp; after Pictures, Images and Photos

I'll have one of these on July 21, 2010.

ugh.

i fucking hate myself. the day's not even over and im up a pound. fuck me. fuck me. fuck me.
im so fucking fat and disgusting, its unbelievable. i mean, no wonder all m friends bailed on me. i wouldnt want to be seen with me either. im a fucking cow. no wonder people in the ana community want nothing to do with me, im a fat fucking cow. id fuck them up with their progress. I FUCKING HATE MY FAT FUCKING SELF.

5'4 and 132 pounds? really? god damn. im fucking pathetic.


i cant wait for school tomorrow. its easy to not eat on school days. and i'll get some exlax after. i fuuuucking hate me, i hate everything. fuck.FUCK. FUCK.





Thinspo Pictures, Images and Photos

Day 3 of Starting Fresh.

Same weight as yesterday. I'm not surprised or upset because I ate yesterday and know that I could be up. I threw off the plan by eating yesterday but I'm going to continue as though I hadn't and it'll just serve as punishment. So today is a liquids only day (not counting soup, shakes, or smoothies). Water, juice, coke, tea, etc. and that's it. If I take in less than 300 cals and work my ass off, I can still be in the 120s by tomorrow. Will I be able to though? We'll find out.

Its 7am here and I'm not sure why I'm awake. I went to bed around ten last night, which I guess is nineish hours but I'm never up this early. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it.

Every time I look at the scale and see that its in the 130s, I think a part of me dies a little bit. That sounds really melodramatic, I know. But I've always been in the 120s or lower, always. Even before I got myself involved in this subculture, this private little world of ours. I don't know, it just really bothers me. I guess its a good thing cause its giving me the drive to not eat. Even when I'm eating with my family and whatnot, my subconscious is telling me to eat smaller bites, eat slower, mentally divide the plate in half, sit up straighter, drink in between each bite. This is helpful, yes. But when I'm not here, home alone, my subconscious turns on me. If I'm at school and see a girl around my size, I'll find myself thinking, "She's really pretty. And not bone thin. Maybe curves are good after all." Or things to that effect. I used to have an AnaBuddy at school, but she dropped out earlier this year. I have a texting AnaBuddy and she's been very helpful and I'm so thankful for her, but I feel like one isn't enough anymore. I've got to be in this for the long run. I need to be accountable so that I don't waver. Y'know? If you're interested, hit me up at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. I appreciate it so much.

I think that something really is wrong with me. If I'm not depressed, I'm nothing. I'm completely numb. I don't feel anything. Like, it feels like I'm watching me live my life day to day. I don't feel me walking out of the front door, but I can see me doing it. Maybe I'm just a weirdass, who knows?

I don't know what today will bring. Hopefully I'll get the strength to go run or something. I know I won't eat. I refuse. Stay strong today, guys. Love you.








Saturday, February 20, 2010

Day 2 of Starting Fresh.

Down four pounds since Tuesday (or maybe Wednesday?). Today is a liquid only day and I'm not even hungry. Today I'll be catching up on a buuuuuuuuuuunch of homework. If I finish in time, I can hopefully squeeze in a workout. I want to be back in the 120s on Monday morning. Doesn't seem impossible.

I cannot believe I'm working to get BACK in the 120s. Slacking isn't happening this time. Fat is not an option. I just have to put all my focus on school and losing weight. I've started rereading Wasted. Incredibly thinspirational. Ah. Ahhhhhh.

I'm still depressed. But I don't think I mind anymore. Its kind of nice, really.


I hope you guys are doing well. Think thin, stay strong.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Day 1 of Starting Fresh.

I've learned from previous experience that jumping right into starving is NOT a good idea, so today started my three day minimal eating period. Its 4:30 and I had coffee for breakfast and some bread, crackers, and peanut butter after school. Tomorrow and Saturday are going to be soup only days and then I can start real fasting again. I'm. So. Pumped.

I fucking hate my fat fat fat self, man. ITS DISGUSTING. I hate it. All of it; my stomach, my arms, my thighs, my cheeks, my ass. Its all fucking disgusting. I'm done. I'm done being fat and gross, I'm going to be skinny and gorgeous. Legit this time.

Every day I become a little more depressed, a little more antisocial, a little more numb. I'm disillusioned and jaded and I'm ready to waste away. I have nothing important or interesting to say. I'll leave it at: I am fat. I hate myself. And I will be thin.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Its been too long..


Shit's hit the fan. Life blows right now. I'm ready to completely devote myself to this. My "best friend" dropped me out of her life for Jesus and I'll drop the world for Ana. I'm up a lot. I'm somewhere in the 130's :/ :/ :/
But I can get rid of it. I'll be 98 this summer. Mark my fucking words.




How've you all been?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Eh. Down.

This week its been too cold to run & because of that, its taking forever! Like a pound a day or less. I know I should be happy that I'm losing and not gaining but I mean good lawd. I really can't wait to be out of the 120's. I was supposed to have hit that 115 goal before school started back but shit happens I guess.

As far as food goes, I've been doing decent this week. Yesterday I ate a cup of steamed vegetables and a handful of M&Ms (don't judge me, ha) and today I had a Vegetarian Vegetable Soup at Hand cup (100 cals) and some saltine crackers (not sure how many cals?). I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a juice fast day. But my mom made me a sandwich for lunch Tuesday that I've just left in the fridge every day so I might take care of that, then fast Friday, Saturday, & Sunday and then just start the usual routine over on Monday. I don't know, we'll see what the day brings. What is your guys' usual fasting schedule like? Do you fast certain days of the week or just go with the flow?

Earlier today, something strange happened. My dad and I were talking about spaghetti and meatballs and I said "Does anyone ever actually make meatballs? Cause I don't think I've ever had them."
and he was like "I made them a few months back but it was one of those times."
So of course my response was, " what are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"No,obviously if I did, I wouldn't be asking."
"You know. You go through these little phases where either one of your little friends says something or you see something on TV that make you think you're fat and you just stop eating for days. Days."
My heart started beating faster and faster. How the fuck did he know? And why had he never said anything before? I just laughed it off, but inside I'm still freaking the fuck out.

Despite what my father thinks, I know that I am fat. Regardless of what friends I'm with or what I watch on Tv. And my self esteem, or the minuscule bit of what's left of it, is beginning to crumble at the foundation again. I can't stand to look in the mirrors; most of mine are covered. I can't even shower with the lights on; my body makes me sick. At night while I'm laying in bed, I grab my fat with my hands until there's red marks still visible the next day. I hate what I look like, I hate me. But as soon as that scale reads 98, that will change. I. Can. Not. Wait. Think thin, you guys. Stay strong <3

Monday, January 4, 2010

Ugh.

I didn't get to fast today because I was with a friend and we went out to eat with her family and I couldn't get out of it. Blah. Its weird because the past two times I've gone out with them (they eat out for literally every meal) I managed to not eat a single bite. But I guess it was a limited time only kind of deal. And now I can't find the nutrition information online ANYWHERE so I don't even know how many calories I had. FUCK MY LIFE. I'm too scared to get on a scale tonight, lame I know. But I'll get on tomorrow morning when I've had some sleep.

I feel so freaking fat and disgusting right now, its not even funny. Like I just want to take a knife to my stomach and perform my own little liposuction. I hate this. But school starts back up tomorrow & I can skip meals easier during school seeing as no one at my house is awake around breakfast, lunch is at school, and I can be "too busy studying" around dinner. Plus, I can run after school before anyone gets home. So I'm just trying to keep calm and think about that, but I'm really flipping out. I just feel so fat and worthless. Ugh.

I hope you guys had a better day than me. Stay strong, think thin, much love. <3

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Down another pound.

It is 2:48pm and I've just woken up one pound lighter. At about 1am, I chugged some cold medicine and I guess it made me sleepy, ha. That's my favorite part of being sick. Sleep, which burns calories & being "too sick to eat". I'm just kinda hoping I don't get taken to a doctor or anything. I fxcking hate doctors.

So, last night I watched this documentary called Food Inc. and it seriously made me want to never eat anything ever again. It shows where all your food comes from, how its made, etc etc. It was so sad and thought provoking and somehow thinspirational, ha. I think everyone should go watch it!

Today is my last real day of Winter Break, blah. I didn't run at all this whole break, which is probably why I'm only losing about a pound a day. But I'm almost positive when school starts back up again, just walking from class to class will burn some calories. & I'll be running every day then as well.

I haven't decided if I'm going to eat today or not. Usually, according to my schedule, today I would eat 100 calories but I really don't feel well at all and the fact that the number is getting lower and lower every day is just making me not want to anymore. So I guess we'll see how it plays out. Think thin, ladies & gents!


***
I ate today. 100 cal vegetable soup & various other little bits of things. Then, with my best friend and her family I had to eat a little macaroni and cheese, although I doubt my overall intake was over 500 cals. Still, blaaaah. And I ran half a mile in the freezing cold. So maybe Ana will be merciful? But tomorrow I'm definitely fasting. I won't be able to weigh in tomorrow, which always makes me nervous. I don't know why but yeah. So I'm fasting from 1:15am today until 6pm Tuesday. Nothing but water. :)

I recently got some comments on posts and one more follower! I know its lame that I'm so excited about 3 followers and two comments but it makes me feel connected to the ana community, yknow?
Anyways, thanks you guys! Stay strong:)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Down this week.

The more depressed I am, the easier it becomes to not eat. Which is good because these days I don't even remember what happiness feels like. Its not even really a struggle to starve anymore, the struggle happens on eat days. Like, no matter how hungry I get at a time, every look towards food disgusts me beyond reason. I suppose that's good.

New Years was a lot of things. I got drunk off my ass, drinking I don't even know how many calories. But trying to function normally when I got home had to have burned off at least half of them. If not, whatever. I hadn't eaten anything for four days before that so I'm not too worried.

Past two days sucked. They were eat-days & I was at a friend's house. Blah. But it was mostly meat and being vegetarian, I could only eat a little of what was available. So it could have been worse.

New Years Resolutions?
I am currently xxx pounds (still too much to say on here, ha)
By June of 2010, I'll be 98.






Thinspiration:)
thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
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thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
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thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
Thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos