Thanksgiving

makes me hate myself.

Blogging is going to be hard to do for the next few weeks. But I ate NOTHING yesterday & was down three pounds today. And I'm kind of depressed these days, which makes it so much easier to not want to eat. This is good.

Think thin, guys.

SHIT.

These past few days have been horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Thursday I went to my mom's office around lunch because the laxatives I took Wednesday didn't have any effect until the next morning, and my at lunch my choices were: eat normally now or eat normally later. WELL FUCK. I decided since more people would see me eating and I'd have more time to burn it off, I'd go ahead and eat then. I ate a ham and cheese sandwich, a bag of chips, some skittles, and some kinda cookie thing. UGH UGH UGH.

Then yesterday, I came home with the most hardcore headache I've ever had. I don't know what the deal was, but I couldn't see straight and it was making my back and shoulders hurt too. So I thought maybe if I ate something little it would help. So I ate half a granola bar. Then next thing I Know, I'm eating half or taking a bite of like everything and giving the rest to my dog. It couldn't have been more than 500 cals, 550 tops but still.

AND TODAY, I ate Chinese with my dad. Two egg rolls and a thing of vegetable lo mein. The lo mein itself was 400-something cals. So I definitely went WAY over my limit. Ugh, :/. I hate myself.

I don't even want to know how much I weigh right now. I've had such a horrible three days. I wish I could throw it up but a.) "C" fucked that up for me and b.) people are here.

FUCK.

I have GOT to get back on track. I cant keep this up. I need to be losing, losing, losing not eating, eating, eating. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ana, sweet Ana, please forgive me.

Down again.

123. Another pound closer to that double digit goal. I was really scared that I was going to be a pound up, because I had a few Starbursts last night but I wasn't. :)

Today is a liquid fast day, and I've already planned out everything. So if I stick to it, I'll have a sub-300 day. Which I'll burn off tonight. So far, so good. I think if I keep it up, I'll be 115 by Thanksgiving. :D And then I'm hoping to be 105 for Christmas and by summer, I'll be back in the double digits! As long as I keep these in my mind, I'll stay strong.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Think thin ladies, starve on.


***

I think I jinxed myself by saying that today was going to be a good day. It was going well until I got home. (That's always the hardest part) I ate some more Starbursts, a second banana and some salad. I'm pretty sure I was still sub-500, which is my absolute limit so I guess its not too bad & I'm about to do a SWflush. I feel horrible, but we'll see what the scale says tomorrow.

Thinspiraaation like no other.

So, remember "C", the one who by the grace of idk what convinced me to stop earlier this year, thus causing me to get fat again? Well today I asked him if he thinks I've gotten fat since we were together and he basically said yeah. Which is gave me the will (I needed so desperately) to stick to this water fast. I was so close to making some Chicken Noodle soup, but now the thought makes me want to puke involuntarily. (Which I hate)


Please, Dear Ana, help me starve my way to perfection; to beauty again.


***

Today I had a liter of water (should have been 3, I know), a piece of gum(<5 cals), and water with some flavoring stuff in it (5 cals, 0 from fat). Total calorie intake of the day: less than five. Could be better, but not going to beat myself up over it. Not yet.

I better be at least xxx again in the morning. If not, instead of liquid fasting I'll have to just water fast again. I hope its down tomorrow; I need some caffeine.

I ate. Not a whole whole lot (under 500 cals), but still. And I genuinely do not like the feeling. So it should be easy to stick to liquid fasting. NO solid food for the next four days. No matter what. I will be 115 on Thanksgiving. Not a thing can fuck me up now. I never lost the mindset; Ana has been whispering in my ear since seventh grade. Now its all about taking her sweet words of wisdom and obeying her commands. And I will faithfully obey. She is now my goddess, since I lost my God. With Her guidance my hipbones will hurt people when they hug me. I'll overlap my fingers around my thigh. I will disappear when I turn sideways. It's all about control. And I'm doing it.

First Goal: 115.
Second Goal: 110.
Third Goal: 105.
Ultimate Goal: 98.

Bring it on, baby. Think thin; starve on.

Down.

I woke up six pounds lighter this morning! Which made me very happy. & I also reached xxx lbs, which means technically, according to my plan, I can eat 300 cals today but I'm not sure if I want to or not. But there's some reaally good cheesy bread left in the kitchen which is only 180 calories so if I eat half of it and finish the energy drink I'm working on right now, that would leave me at 250 for the day. We'll see I guess.

I only got 2 liters of water yesterday, so I'm going to work hard to get three in today. And I have to make sure to burn more than I take in which would be really easy if I get all my calories in before ten. I hope I can get back to xxx lbs this week. Think thin, my beauties, starve on.

its 9:15am and i weighed myself about an hour ago and i'm honestly ashamed to put my weight on here today. its fucking horrible. so that just gave me more motivation to start strong today. im taking in ZERO calories today; helllo, water fast. tomorrow is going to be a liquid fast, then tuesday is a water fast, so on and so forth until i'm back at xxx lbs. then i'm going to take in 300 calories and start the process over until i'm xxx lbs. and then i'll be back to where i started from and work from there.

i just walked about a half a mile and later today, im going to walk around downtown which should burn off a few calories. so i guess thats good. and its cold outside! ive always associated ana with winter, i dont know why. but im pumped!

*****


its 9pm and i took in ZERO calories today! i'm so proud; its been forever since i actually did it. and im sure if you add up all the walking i did today, thats probably about 4 or 5 miles. so i most definitely burned more than i took in. which is good ;). now, if i can keep it up until im back down to xxxlbs, ill have real reason to celebrate. god, i love this game.