Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Eh. Down.

This week its been too cold to run & because of that, its taking forever! Like a pound a day or less. I know I should be happy that I'm losing and not gaining but I mean good lawd. I really can't wait to be out of the 120's. I was supposed to have hit that 115 goal before school started back but shit happens I guess.

As far as food goes, I've been doing decent this week. Yesterday I ate a cup of steamed vegetables and a handful of M&Ms (don't judge me, ha) and today I had a Vegetarian Vegetable Soup at Hand cup (100 cals) and some saltine crackers (not sure how many cals?). I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a juice fast day. But my mom made me a sandwich for lunch Tuesday that I've just left in the fridge every day so I might take care of that, then fast Friday, Saturday, & Sunday and then just start the usual routine over on Monday. I don't know, we'll see what the day brings. What is your guys' usual fasting schedule like? Do you fast certain days of the week or just go with the flow?

Earlier today, something strange happened. My dad and I were talking about spaghetti and meatballs and I said "Does anyone ever actually make meatballs? Cause I don't think I've ever had them."
and he was like "I made them a few months back but it was one of those times."
So of course my response was, " what are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"No,obviously if I did, I wouldn't be asking."
"You know. You go through these little phases where either one of your little friends says something or you see something on TV that make you think you're fat and you just stop eating for days. Days."
My heart started beating faster and faster. How the fuck did he know? And why had he never said anything before? I just laughed it off, but inside I'm still freaking the fuck out.

Despite what my father thinks, I know that I am fat. Regardless of what friends I'm with or what I watch on Tv. And my self esteem, or the minuscule bit of what's left of it, is beginning to crumble at the foundation again. I can't stand to look in the mirrors; most of mine are covered. I can't even shower with the lights on; my body makes me sick. At night while I'm laying in bed, I grab my fat with my hands until there's red marks still visible the next day. I hate what I look like, I hate me. But as soon as that scale reads 98, that will change. I. Can. Not. Wait. Think thin, you guys. Stay strong <3

1 comment:

  1. Fasting- Go with the flow.. if your feeling fat that day, fast. If your doing ok, eata little.. works for me!
    I thought I was the only one lol: Showering with the lights off or only in the dark.
    Hang in there, you'll be 98 in no time ;)