its 10am, i just woke up and im working on my first 90 fake-a-cino. i dont know what my plan is for the day. i dont know anything.i do know that today is the 30th. and that depresses me beyond belief. story time.
of course, it starts with a boy. for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him silas. silas has the most beautiful eyes i've ever known. and i told him so the first time i saw him & that is what started this year of.. this year of shenanigans. i met him in october of 08. we started liking each other in november, although we kept it from each other. by december everyone knew except us and we were dating in march of 09. march 30th to be exact. i'm not one for relationships or the whole "love" thing, but i was in love with silas. i still am in love with him. he’s a bright planet in the dark morning of my existence. somehow seeing him, even with his varied flaws, buoys me with hope. i am better for knowing him.
he knew i was disordered. and he hated it more than anything. it was the one thing in the relationship that caused problems. he would just get so mad about it. i still don't understand why. once, he even said "i dont even care anymore. go die in a puddle of your own bile and see if i give two shits." (it was back when i was just puking.) it killed me that it hurt him. so eventually, i stopped. i gained of course, but in my mind it didnt matter because i was finally with the boy i had spent all school year waiting for. but then he broke up with me. i was fat, alone, depressed, fat, confused, pissed off, and fat. so what's the first thing i did? yup! puked my guts out.
we had gone from texting each other from the moment we woke up, until the moment we fell asleep every day to not talking at all. and i was doing well. without the guilt of hurting him, i was free to starve and puke as i pleased. and then school started and i had to see him in the halls everyday. it was hard seeing him and not being able to hug or at least acknowledge him. eventually, we started talking again. and then he got sent to boot camp.
we kept up communication through letters. and in the letters, he told me he was still in love with me. i dont know what this means for us, but he comes home for a little while on thursday and i'm scared he's going to see how fat i've gotten and change his mind. the whole thing is throwing me out of whack. i cant function right. he's always had this effect on me.
sorry that was so poorly written, im still a little stoned. ha. but i'll try to rewrite it better later.
so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o, i dont know how much i weigh this morning, but im sure its in the 130s. which is in no way okay with me. my overall goal weight is still 98. and i want to be there by the first day of junior year. so i need to get on ittt. im going food minimalist today. giving my body exactly what it needs to function; nothing more. and i'm going to try to go on walks frequently throughout the day. i'll be back in the 120's before spring break is over. i am determined. think thin, stay strong.