Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Eh. Down.

This week its been too cold to run & because of that, its taking forever! Like a pound a day or less. I know I should be happy that I'm losing and not gaining but I mean good lawd. I really can't wait to be out of the 120's. I was supposed to have hit that 115 goal before school started back but shit happens I guess.

As far as food goes, I've been doing decent this week. Yesterday I ate a cup of steamed vegetables and a handful of M&Ms (don't judge me, ha) and today I had a Vegetarian Vegetable Soup at Hand cup (100 cals) and some saltine crackers (not sure how many cals?). I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a juice fast day. But my mom made me a sandwich for lunch Tuesday that I've just left in the fridge every day so I might take care of that, then fast Friday, Saturday, & Sunday and then just start the usual routine over on Monday. I don't know, we'll see what the day brings. What is your guys' usual fasting schedule like? Do you fast certain days of the week or just go with the flow?

Earlier today, something strange happened. My dad and I were talking about spaghetti and meatballs and I said "Does anyone ever actually make meatballs? Cause I don't think I've ever had them."
and he was like "I made them a few months back but it was one of those times."
So of course my response was, " what are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"No,obviously if I did, I wouldn't be asking."
"You know. You go through these little phases where either one of your little friends says something or you see something on TV that make you think you're fat and you just stop eating for days. Days."
My heart started beating faster and faster. How the fuck did he know? And why had he never said anything before? I just laughed it off, but inside I'm still freaking the fuck out.

Despite what my father thinks, I know that I am fat. Regardless of what friends I'm with or what I watch on Tv. And my self esteem, or the minuscule bit of what's left of it, is beginning to crumble at the foundation again. I can't stand to look in the mirrors; most of mine are covered. I can't even shower with the lights on; my body makes me sick. At night while I'm laying in bed, I grab my fat with my hands until there's red marks still visible the next day. I hate what I look like, I hate me. But as soon as that scale reads 98, that will change. I. Can. Not. Wait. Think thin, you guys. Stay strong <3

Monday, January 4, 2010


I didn't get to fast today because I was with a friend and we went out to eat with her family and I couldn't get out of it. Blah. Its weird because the past two times I've gone out with them (they eat out for literally every meal) I managed to not eat a single bite. But I guess it was a limited time only kind of deal. And now I can't find the nutrition information online ANYWHERE so I don't even know how many calories I had. FUCK MY LIFE. I'm too scared to get on a scale tonight, lame I know. But I'll get on tomorrow morning when I've had some sleep.

I feel so freaking fat and disgusting right now, its not even funny. Like I just want to take a knife to my stomach and perform my own little liposuction. I hate this. But school starts back up tomorrow & I can skip meals easier during school seeing as no one at my house is awake around breakfast, lunch is at school, and I can be "too busy studying" around dinner. Plus, I can run after school before anyone gets home. So I'm just trying to keep calm and think about that, but I'm really flipping out. I just feel so fat and worthless. Ugh.

I hope you guys had a better day than me. Stay strong, think thin, much love. <3

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Down another pound.

It is 2:48pm and I've just woken up one pound lighter. At about 1am, I chugged some cold medicine and I guess it made me sleepy, ha. That's my favorite part of being sick. Sleep, which burns calories & being "too sick to eat". I'm just kinda hoping I don't get taken to a doctor or anything. I fxcking hate doctors.

So, last night I watched this documentary called Food Inc. and it seriously made me want to never eat anything ever again. It shows where all your food comes from, how its made, etc etc. It was so sad and thought provoking and somehow thinspirational, ha. I think everyone should go watch it!

Today is my last real day of Winter Break, blah. I didn't run at all this whole break, which is probably why I'm only losing about a pound a day. But I'm almost positive when school starts back up again, just walking from class to class will burn some calories. & I'll be running every day then as well.

I haven't decided if I'm going to eat today or not. Usually, according to my schedule, today I would eat 100 calories but I really don't feel well at all and the fact that the number is getting lower and lower every day is just making me not want to anymore. So I guess we'll see how it plays out. Think thin, ladies & gents!

I ate today. 100 cal vegetable soup & various other little bits of things. Then, with my best friend and her family I had to eat a little macaroni and cheese, although I doubt my overall intake was over 500 cals. Still, blaaaah. And I ran half a mile in the freezing cold. So maybe Ana will be merciful? But tomorrow I'm definitely fasting. I won't be able to weigh in tomorrow, which always makes me nervous. I don't know why but yeah. So I'm fasting from 1:15am today until 6pm Tuesday. Nothing but water. :)

I recently got some comments on posts and one more follower! I know its lame that I'm so excited about 3 followers and two comments but it makes me feel connected to the ana community, yknow?
Anyways, thanks you guys! Stay strong:)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Down this week.

The more depressed I am, the easier it becomes to not eat. Which is good because these days I don't even remember what happiness feels like. Its not even really a struggle to starve anymore, the struggle happens on eat days. Like, no matter how hungry I get at a time, every look towards food disgusts me beyond reason. I suppose that's good.

New Years was a lot of things. I got drunk off my ass, drinking I don't even know how many calories. But trying to function normally when I got home had to have burned off at least half of them. If not, whatever. I hadn't eaten anything for four days before that so I'm not too worried.

Past two days sucked. They were eat-days & I was at a friend's house. Blah. But it was mostly meat and being vegetarian, I could only eat a little of what was available. So it could have been worse.

New Years Resolutions?
I am currently xxx pounds (still too much to say on here, ha)
By June of 2010, I'll be 98.

thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
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thinspiration Pictures, Images and Photos
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