Saturday, May 15, 2010

04: Fuck.

Its almost noon and I'm in the process of eating lunch. Three pieces of grapefruit & a homemade smoothie (pineapple and blueberry). I know I said that I'd liquid fast today, but I woke up with an awful headache and I had to eat with the medicine I took. So I will definitely liquid fast tomorrow and Monday to make up.

I'm watching Intervention and its about a girl with bulimia. Is it weird that watching eating disordered people get "recovered" makes me want to starve starve starve? I feel like its supposed to be inspiring and frightening at the same time, but all it does is motivate me. It does scare me, though. As much as I want to get to my goal weight, I would absolutely hate to see my mother cry over me. I wouldn't mind seeing my dad get upset, but every time I make my mom cry it breaks my heart. I hope I can just get to 98 lbs quickly and be done. Part of me knows it won't happen like that at all and the other part of me wants to be optimistic. In the long run, I know I'm in this for life.

My current goal is to be under 110 pounds at the end of summer. Then I want to lose those last twelve pounds before Christmas. I believe I can do it if I stick to it and don't waver anymore.

1 comment:

  1. I watch interventions and other ED films all the time and I have the same feelings as you. Even though I don't want things to go this way, to worry my family or go to the hospital etc, it still motivates me. Even that horrible episode Deadly Thin on Dr.Phill. I don't know if you saw it but the girl there was really fucked up and none of us wants to get to the stage where she was. But still, I saw it for 4 times or so and in some sick way it motivates me to purge everything I eat. I seriously don’t know why I watch it all the time lol
    And don’t hate yourself so much for your fuck ups, every damage can be undone :)
    Btw. my first language is Czech. It really made my day that you didn’t notice :D