back down:)

back down to 122 and i'm not screwing it up this time. i've had a banana today & i'm about to eat some oatmeal, and that's it. restricting HARD today and tomorrow, and fasting all next week. i will be out of the 120's before Winter Formal (Feb. 12).

in the past 48 hours, i've been asked twice about my weight. its the greatest feeling ever when someone says "omg how'd you lose so much weight?" or "you're getting so tiny, pixie." considering i'm not even that small yet. i keep telling myself to think about the comments i'll get when i'm 110, 105, and then 98. god, i can't wait.

so, how is everyone doing? are you guys reaching your goals and thinking thin/living ana?

i gave up on fasting this week; i'm just restricting. i'll fast all next week. too many things keep coming up to successfully fast this week, fuck.

BUT. i've gotten so many comments about looking skinnier this week. SO many. my mom, my grandma, my psychiatrist, people from school. its so thinspirational. i can't wait til im in the double digits!

so how are you all doing? i want to make more ana friends, don't be shy. i don't bite:)

munchies got me again

but i'm down two pounds, so no complaints yet. i'm taking a break from pot. just until i get under 110 pounds. then i'll go back to toking regularly. i'm not supposed to be smoking anyway, for mike, and i feel awful every time i do it anyway. i love that boy so much, and going behind his back when i'm supposed to be supporting him breaks my heart. so no more pot for me til i'm under 110 at least.

i won't be able to fast friday because mike is taking me to dinner for our anniversary, so i'll just have to work out extra hard for tomorrow, wednesday, and thursday. it sucks but ya gotta do what you gotta do, i suppose.

yesterday i woke up at 121 pounds, and decided to celebrate with a toke. i smoked a gram and a half of some really good shit, got the munchies, and ate my ass off (or really gained it back). woke up this morning at 124.

so, liquid fast this week with water fasting on days with the letter u in them. i know its weird, but it seems safe to me and i do it all the time, lol. so yeah. and i'm going to start bracing the cold and running every morning/night again, along with punching my punching bag. getting serious. if the cost of being thin is no more pot smoking, so be it. i'm supposed to be sober for mike anyway. whatever it takes to have my bones stick out, my thighs not touch, and my goal reached. i am going to do this. i will get thin or die trying.

i woke up at 122 pounds this morning. i did a happy dance in my bathroom.
and then i ruined it.

i came home from school and binged my ass off. three bags of chips, a snickers, a bowl of soup, two swiss cheese sandwiches, half a bowl of cereal, and a pepsi. of course, my initial reaction was to purge.
oppps. that didn't work.
i was on my knees in front of the toilet with my fingers in my throat for about half an hour. the pepsi came back up & a little bit of the cereal, and that's it. i freaked the fuck out and called my very best ana friend, nikki (http://letters-from-ana.blogspot.com/). she helped calm me down and made me feel positive about our fast tomorrow. i still can't believe i binged after only a few days. fuuuuck. bad start. bad bad bad start.

but, tomorrow's a new day. i'm not eating anything tomorrow. in fact, i might just do a water fast for the next two days. lord knows i'm going to need it when i wake up in the morning and look at the numbers on the scale.

sigh. i'm scared to see what the scale says tomorrow. i hope you guys are doing better than i am. think thin, stay strong. love you guys<3

back down to 123 after two days of no food(:
and i feel awesome; invincible. nothing can stop me.

thinspo

i want to look like the second picture SO badly..
i cannot wait.

day three.

woke up at 123.8 lbs. don't have a clue how that happened but i'm not complaining by any means. i guess i can just thank metabolism, since i totally fucked up yesterday.

i'm going to the zoo with my dad and his girlfriend today, which means LOTS of walking, which means lots of calories burned. so i'm pretty pumped. hopefully i can be out of the 120s by the time i go back to school on tuesday. four pounds in three days? totally doable. it'll just take work. but, i can do it. i've been looking at a lot of thinspo lately. i got this. AND my mother posted a facebook status saying she'd lost 11 pounds since new years. fuck that, i'm not letting that bitch lose more than me. fuck no. i'll be at 98lbs before she can even get to 120. fuck that shit. got this shit on lock. ;]


day four:
got caught purging at my boyfriend's house. he was so disappointed in me, :/. the way he looked at me when i was on my knees in front of the toilet pathetically literally made me want to die. that boy means the world to me and having him disappointed in me is the worst feeling in the world. dfkjthfg. fuck.

day five/six:
woke up back at 125 so i decided to do a three day liquid fast. so far today i've had a bottle of water, a powerade zero, a 5 hour energy (4 calories), a capri sun (60 calories) and a hot chocolate (210 calories). i'm going to work out when i'm done with my chores/homework and hopefully work off all the calories and stick to water for the rest of the day. i'm really not even hungry. so, that's good i guess. hopefully i can get out of dinner. i really don't feel like purging tonight after what happened at mike's.

day two.

didn't manage to get through the day food-free. but i was sub 300 cals, so i'm not going to beat myself up just yet. stayin' posi. and as of this morning, i am 125 lbs. so i AM losing, even if it is only a mere pound.

and my pure hatred for my mother is fueling me now. i'm so fucking sick of her bullshit. so i'm going to starve my anger away. fuck fighting with her. fuck confronting her about her sick and twisted thought process. fuck that. i'll just starve myself until i can't feel anymore; until there's nothing left of me to give a shit.

day one.

so, its almost four pm on day one of starting over and i've done really well so far. no solid food at all, which was my goal for the day. i'm going to try to go to bed at around eight tonight, so i only have to stick it out for four more hours and day one will be a success! last night, i was watching american dad and it was SO thinspiring for some reason, lol. steve was anorexic in the episode and that's all it took for me to get my fat ass back in gear. i did leg lifts until i fell asleep & planned out my calories in my head. i am officially back in the game. i started getting hunger pains around third hour today and it feels SO GOOD. i can't even explain it. i know i've said this a lot in the past few months, but i mean it this time: i'm in this for the long run. it just feels different this time. i'm so determined. i will get thin. no matter what it takes.

today at school, i was walking to sixth hour and a friend of mine stopped and looked at me and said "have you lost weight? cause i mean, you look.. wow." honestly, i haven't lost any weight because i just started over, but if that wasn't thinspiring i don't know what is! i was on cloud nine for the rest of the day. i can't wait to see what people say when i get into the double digits.

i just want to say again: thank you all for following me! i want to get to know all of you, so don't be shy on the comments on here or on facebook. & i'm always looking for new texting buddies, so just hit me up! i love every single one of you. think thin, stay strong ladies & germs<3 xoxoxoxo

i haven't really been in habit lately, but i am back. currently 126, and i WILL be out of the 120s by the end of the month. no exceptions.


and duuuuude, when did i get so many followers?! thank you all so much! i love every single one of you. <3