Saturday, December 19, 2009

I tend to have this habit. I'll starve and work until I get to about 120 lbs and then I give up and give in. And I'm stopping that now. I've been slacking like I don't even know what. Today is Day 1 of the Xmas Break fast. When I go back to school, I will be 115 pounds, no ifs, ands, or buts. I'm going to fucking do this.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


makes me hate myself.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Blogging is going to be hard to do for the next few weeks. But I ate NOTHING yesterday & was down three pounds today. And I'm kind of depressed these days, which makes it so much easier to not want to eat. This is good.

Think thin, guys.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


These past few days have been horrible. Absolutely horrible.

Thursday I went to my mom's office around lunch because the laxatives I took Wednesday didn't have any effect until the next morning, and my at lunch my choices were: eat normally now or eat normally later. WELL FUCK. I decided since more people would see me eating and I'd have more time to burn it off, I'd go ahead and eat then. I ate a ham and cheese sandwich, a bag of chips, some skittles, and some kinda cookie thing. UGH UGH UGH.

Then yesterday, I came home with the most hardcore headache I've ever had. I don't know what the deal was, but I couldn't see straight and it was making my back and shoulders hurt too. So I thought maybe if I ate something little it would help. So I ate half a granola bar. Then next thing I Know, I'm eating half or taking a bite of like everything and giving the rest to my dog. It couldn't have been more than 500 cals, 550 tops but still.

AND TODAY, I ate Chinese with my dad. Two egg rolls and a thing of vegetable lo mein. The lo mein itself was 400-something cals. So I definitely went WAY over my limit. Ugh, :/. I hate myself.

I don't even want to know how much I weigh right now. I've had such a horrible three days. I wish I could throw it up but a.) "C" fucked that up for me and b.) people are here.


I have GOT to get back on track. I cant keep this up. I need to be losing, losing, losing not eating, eating, eating. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ana, sweet Ana, please forgive me.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Down again.

123. Another pound closer to that double digit goal. I was really scared that I was going to be a pound up, because I had a few Starbursts last night but I wasn't. :)

Today is a liquid fast day, and I've already planned out everything. So if I stick to it, I'll have a sub-300 day. Which I'll burn off tonight. So far, so good. I think if I keep it up, I'll be 115 by Thanksgiving. :D And then I'm hoping to be 105 for Christmas and by summer, I'll be back in the double digits! As long as I keep these in my mind, I'll stay strong.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Think thin ladies, starve on.


I think I jinxed myself by saying that today was going to be a good day. It was going well until I got home. (That's always the hardest part) I ate some more Starbursts, a second banana and some salad. I'm pretty sure I was still sub-500, which is my absolute limit so I guess its not too bad & I'm about to do a SWflush. I feel horrible, but we'll see what the scale says tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Thinspiraaation like no other.

So, remember "C", the one who by the grace of idk what convinced me to stop earlier this year, thus causing me to get fat again? Well today I asked him if he thinks I've gotten fat since we were together and he basically said yeah. Which is gave me the will (I needed so desperately) to stick to this water fast. I was so close to making some Chicken Noodle soup, but now the thought makes me want to puke involuntarily. (Which I hate)

Please, Dear Ana, help me starve my way to perfection; to beauty again.


Today I had a liter of water (should have been 3, I know), a piece of gum(<5 cals), and water with some flavoring stuff in it (5 cals, 0 from fat). Total calorie intake of the day: less than five. Could be better, but not going to beat myself up over it. Not yet.

I better be at least xxx again in the morning. If not, instead of liquid fasting I'll have to just water fast again. I hope its down tomorrow; I need some caffeine.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I ate. Not a whole whole lot (under 500 cals), but still. And I genuinely do not like the feeling. So it should be easy to stick to liquid fasting. NO solid food for the next four days. No matter what. I will be 115 on Thanksgiving. Not a thing can fuck me up now. I never lost the mindset; Ana has been whispering in my ear since seventh grade. Now its all about taking her sweet words of wisdom and obeying her commands. And I will faithfully obey. She is now my goddess, since I lost my God. With Her guidance my hipbones will hurt people when they hug me. I'll overlap my fingers around my thigh. I will disappear when I turn sideways. It's all about control. And I'm doing it.

First Goal: 115.
Second Goal: 110.
Third Goal: 105.
Ultimate Goal: 98.

Bring it on, baby. Think thin; starve on.


I woke up six pounds lighter this morning! Which made me very happy. & I also reached xxx lbs, which means technically, according to my plan, I can eat 300 cals today but I'm not sure if I want to or not. But there's some reaally good cheesy bread left in the kitchen which is only 180 calories so if I eat half of it and finish the energy drink I'm working on right now, that would leave me at 250 for the day. We'll see I guess.

I only got 2 liters of water yesterday, so I'm going to work hard to get three in today. And I have to make sure to burn more than I take in which would be really easy if I get all my calories in before ten. I hope I can get back to xxx lbs this week. Think thin, my beauties, starve on.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

its 9:15am and i weighed myself about an hour ago and i'm honestly ashamed to put my weight on here today. its fucking horrible. so that just gave me more motivation to start strong today. im taking in ZERO calories today; helllo, water fast. tomorrow is going to be a liquid fast, then tuesday is a water fast, so on and so forth until i'm back at xxx lbs. then i'm going to take in 300 calories and start the process over until i'm xxx lbs. and then i'll be back to where i started from and work from there.

i just walked about a half a mile and later today, im going to walk around downtown which should burn off a few calories. so i guess thats good. and its cold outside! ive always associated ana with winter, i dont know why. but im pumped!


its 9pm and i took in ZERO calories today! i'm so proud; its been forever since i actually did it. and im sure if you add up all the walking i did today, thats probably about 4 or 5 miles. so i most definitely burned more than i took in. which is good ;). now, if i can keep it up until im back down to xxxlbs, ill have real reason to celebrate. god, i love this game.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

Its Halloween and I wish I could say I was being a good little ana and steering clear of the food and treats, but I can't. I just pigged out on Voodoo BBQ & a mini-Hershey's bar. BLAH. I was doing really well up until then though. And I figure that since tomorrow's the first of the month, I can take it full on. I dont know why firsts of the month or week have some kind of significance in my mind, as though it will make me restrict and fast better or something, but oh well.

So I'm taking steps to get in the ana-direction again. I'm going to start enforcing my rules again, restricting hard when I'm not fasting, fasting every single day I plan (no excuses). I mean it this time. By January, I will have lost at least fifteen pounds. My ultimate goal is to lose 35 pounds. I will do this, I'll be thin if it kills me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

its been too long..

and ive slacked. slacked like you wouldnt believe. im back up to 127.1 and that is not okay. starting to fast today; liquids only today and tomorrow and water only on friday. we'll see how much progress that shows and i'll decide what to do from there.

i cannot believe i let myself get so unbelievably faaaaaaat. like, ugh. welll ana is back. for good.
no more slacking, no more "road to recovery" bullshit. im going to get thin or fucking die trying.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

First of October :)

Fall is here! Its my absolute faaavorite time of year. Its so beautiful. Ah! So, I weighed in at 123lbs this morning. I'm still not on track but after the horrible binge I had yesterday, it could be so much worse. So today is a liquid fast day. Water, tea, juice, milk, etc. I'm going to try to stick with just water and tea but we'll see how that goes.

After my binge yesterday, I took a handful of laxatives (12 pills, 4 doses) so I'm not going to school today for pretty obvious reasons. Which means I can spend all day getting thinspired. :D Laawd knows I need it. I still have to be 115 by Monday to get back on track. Think thin, starve on!

12:10pm. I think the laxatives have taken their toll & are done now. Thank goodness. I don't know how much I weigh right now, but my hair is wet so I don't want to get on a scale until its dry. Fasting today has been pretty easy so far and I hope it stays easy until Monday. The last four day fast I did was relatively easy and I lost about 5 pounds with it. So I think if I cut back the liquid calories I'm taking in and burning off more than I take in and all that jazz, I'll be able to get back on track by Monday. The hungry feeling is creeping back in and I love it! I'm not going to waver anymore. I binged twice this week. No more. Fast, fast, fastttt until Monday. Think thin, starve on!

4:30pm. I'm about to drink my second cup of hot chocolate (150 cals, 30 from fat). & other than that, I've had nothing but water and tea all day.

Total intake of today:
300 calories, 60 from fat. Progress, progress.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

New Plan, Day 2 of 50.

Weighed in at 124lbs this morning. Not surprising, considering all the absolute SHIT I had to eat yesterday. So instead of making today a 300 cal day, I'm fasting. No calories at all today. And after school I'm going to run at least 3 miles today. Burning more than I'm taking in and all that good stuff. I have to be 115 by Monday morning, so eeeek. This is going to be a tough week. Blah.
Think thin, starve on!

Monday, September 28, 2009

New Plan, Day 1 of 50.

Well. After my day of food, food, food yesterday, I weigh in at 121.8 pounds this morning. Which is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. (See? There is a God :D) So, I think I'm going to count yesterday as Day 1 because I had to have eaten 500 calories. Which means that today is another 500 calorie day. eeek! It's also my sixteenth birthday, :). Which means if I stick to what I've planned out so far, I'll be able to eat like 100 calories at the "birthday dinner." Not too suspicious or anything. So here's today's plan. I WILL STICK TO IT.

- 8 oz. fake-a-ccino (90 cals)

- Lettuce, Swiss cheese, & mustard sandwich on wheat (170 cals, 50 from fat)

After School (if necessary)
- Carrots in mustard OR chips and salsa (0-10 cals)

*Throughout the day, try to get at least 3 liters of water.

So by dinnertime, I'll have had an intake of 270 calories. Which means I'll be able to eat 230 calories at dinner, leaving me completely undetected by the parents! & Hopefully it'll be something like a seaweed salad (usually around 140 cals) and leave it at that. But I guess we'll see? Think thin, starve on!

3:30pm. I didn't eat my sandwich for lunch. But I had to eat on of the cupackes "R" made. I was planning on not doing so, but she got really upset that she made them for me and I wasn't eating any. So I had to. :/. So I guess that by itself was around 100-110 cals maybe? & I had a pizza lunchable and some chips and salsa when I got home. So I'm assuming I've had my allotted 500 for the day. WHICH by the way, I accidentally let it slip that I was eating 500 cals today when I gave away my sandwich and everyone like flipped a shit. It was redonkulous. But I'm not going to let anyone stop me this time, nopenopenope! I will get thin or die trying.

Being Honest With Myself.

I guess before I begin fasting again after this horrible experience today, I should give myself some kind of motivation other than pictures of girls I wish to someday resemble. So here goes my attempt at that.

-BOTH of my best friends have told me that I will never be skinny. Well fuck you both, you'll be sorry when I'm a happy, walking skeleton.

-I'm absolutely sick of listening to my dad talk about how skinny my friends are. "She really should eat a sandwich.." "Gahhh, she's soo skinny!" etc.

-I have this feeling that I'm most of my friends' "fat friend". Yknow, the one that they bring along places to make themselves seem skinnier, prettier. Fuck that shit, its a thing of the past.

-At school, people always touch my stomach. I guess its supposed to be synonymous with a hug or something of that sentiment, but all I'm getting out of it is: my stomach is poking out so far that people feel the need to touch it.

-Back when I was flirting dangerously with Ana and wanted help, one of my teachers confronted me and said, "Well your friend, "K", is much thinner than you." Well now that I want the exact opposite of getting better, we'll see how long that lasts.

-I was doing so well until I got involved with "C". He convinced me (how he managed to do so, I have NO clue) that I should stop & I did. Then he broke up with me, hasn't talked to me since & now I'm in the 120's again. NOT HAPPENING AGAIN. No one can stop me this time.

-Most fat girls get the whole "You have such a pretty face" bullshit thrown at them constantly. I guess I'm so bad off that I don't even get that. So I have to perfect my body to the point that I catch people off-guard, make them take a second glance.

I will be 98lbs in the end. I'll get thin or die trying.

Day 4 of 24

4:15am. Disappointment. I weighed in at 121.6lbs this morning. I mean, its progress; I'm down three pounds since I started fasting. But my goal was to be 119lbs this morning and that totally threw me off. So after I finish this blueberry/pomegranate juice (150 cals), it'll be nothing but water today and I'm walking for three hours AT LEAST. My calorie intake won't be sub-100, but you can't stop progress. I will admit, I can see my stomach flattening out little by little. But its taking too long. I think I need to restrict harder and fast more often if I want to reach my goal by October 19th. Ugh, I haaaate setbacks :/.

3:10pm. Just got home and I BOMBED on my plans for the day. As I type this now, I'm eating a bowl of healthy request chicken noodle soup (90 cals, 20 from fat) & some crackers. :/. & there's leftover pizza in the fridge that's CALLING MY NAME. I can freaking feeel this binge coming on. & tomorrow was supposed to be my eat day of the week. So blaaah. No food for my birthday, hah. I hate this shit, maan

3:19pm. Ate soooo much. Half the bowl of soup, like ten crackers, 2 cookies, & a slice of leftover cheese pizza. Thank the Laaawd the first binge is over. I'm full for the first time in what seems like ages and I HATE IT. Forgive me, ana. I have sinned(eaten). I need to do some ass kicking workout today to get me back on track. I HAVE to be 119 tomorrow. Have to. I fucking hate myself for this. Fasting starts NOW. Liquids from now until next Monday, no matter what. I'll look at thinspo nonstop and get re-motivated. Fuck this, fuck my fat, ugly self, fuck food, fuckfuckfuck.


New Plan (starting tomorrow) :
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

50 days. I'm sure I'm going to incorporate some more fasting days than that. But I've got a general layout. I will not wander off this path. Its set in stone. I need to regain control. Thin is the goal here and I will get there or die trying.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Make your own Countdown Clocks

Although if I lose one lb per day, it won't take that long; if I lose exactly one pound every day, I will have reached my goal by October 19th. How incredible would that be?! That in and of itself is thinspiration!

Day 3 of 24

I didn't reach my goal yesterday; I didn't even drink one liter of water. But I did have a small Mangofest smoothie ( 0 cals from fat), a Dr. Pepper (155 cals), a giant peach Tazo tea (90 cals), & a light lemonade (5 cals). So I had 340 calories yesterday, a little more than I would have liked. But no solid food which is good.

Again, I'm not going to get a chance to weigh myself this morning. Ah, the downfalls of staying the night out. But I guess since I can totally just tell my parents I ate tons here, they won't try to get me to eat something. So it all balances out I guess. My goal was to be 119lbs Monday morning and for the sake of my sanity I really hope I made it. Ha. I probably won't get to do the SWflush this weekend which is BOGUS but whatever I guess. Think thin, starve on!

I just ran/jogged/walked like three miles on a completely empty stomach. I love the feeling of an empty stomach soooo much. I forgot how good it feels to be empty. & I think I'm about to indulge on another Mangofest smoothie ( 0 cals from fat). I'm watching ANTM as I type this which is verrry thinspiring! I really hope that by tomorrow I'm at least 119lbs. If not, I'll just drink water until I am. Gotta love Ana. (:

* I also learned that
a Venti Sugar-free Cinnamon Dolce Latte is only 160 cals (with non-fat milk and no whip cream) what an incredible revelation! :)

This morning I had a small glass of light grape juice before leaving "K"s house. When I got home I had a 90 cal coffee. Since then I've exercised and only had zero calorie liquids. I haven't eaten anything solid since Thursday night but despite knowing this, I feel like a FAT FUCKING COW. The emptiness in my stomach has subsided and I feel full. I hate that feeling more than anything. Ugggggggggh. I need more thinspiration NOW.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Day 2 of 34

10:00am. Never got a chance to weigh myself this morning. But I didn't have ANY solid food yesterday. Now, I'm drinking a tall iced coffee (67 cals). My goal for today is to drink 3 liters of water at least. Today's probably going to be harder than yesterday but it'll be worth it when I'm skinny ;)
Think thin, starve on!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Day 1 of 34

Its 5am and I am 124lbs! I guess that 2 miles went a long way yesterday :). So I'm already down two pounds before the fast technically even started. Wooohooo!

The first day is most likely going to be extremely easy, the firsts always are. I'm on my first 12 oz instant fake-a-ccino (168 cals) and I'm already feeling slightly hyped. Can't wait to burn this off. I just have to think thin all day today and I WILL NOT waver on this fast one bit. Not cheat days, nothing. Liquids only except for scheduled eat-days.Think thin, starve on!

Its 3:20pm, I just got home from school. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy to stick to liquids. But school always is. The tricky part is home and out and about. I drank two liters of water at school and I'm in the process of making some Lipton Green Tea (0 cals). And later, I'm going to a football game where I'll probably walk around a lot and burn off some calories. Think thin, starve on!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Blah, blah, blaaah. I've slacked BIG TIME. Gained looads of weight. I am now a whopping 126 lbs. I need to get back into habit, asap. So tomorrow I'm starting a five day fast - liquids only. The fifth day will be my birthday, so my present to myself will be some lost lbs ;). I should do a saltwater flush tomorrow but it'll be the weekend and I'll probably be out & about. So I guess I'll have to wait to do that. I feel like a fucking whale, sweetbabyjesus.