Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sometimes I really just feel like giving up. That sounds more dramatic than I mean. I mean, its like this whole thing used to be so much easier than it is now. And I’m not completely back. Like, as much as I desperately want to be thin, I haven’t gotten back to the point where I’m literally scared of meals. I’m not back to the point that I’m working out nonstop and scared of not doing so. I’m not all the way in it again. So in theory, I could still get out. I could delete my ana Facebook and stop posting on this blog and eat like a normal person and attempt to be happy. Or I could sit it out and try harder and eventually get back to where I left off before I met Silas.

Part of me wants to just give it all up. I’m not losing. Its becoming harder and harder to even put forth the right effort. But then there’s the other part. The part that dreams of a thin, beautiful Pixie. The part that knows it takes 3 days to make a habit. The part that can’t stand the reflection in the mirror & has to shower with the lights off because she absolutely cannot stand to see her fat, ugly self. The part that knows all the tips and tricks. The part that no matter what, makes time to talk to her extremely helpful ana texting buddy ( As I’m sitting here typing this, I want to pull this Pixie from out of the shadows. I want to wake her up from her slumber and kick her ass into high gear. But typing motivational words and acting on them are two completely things.

I woke up 137 lbs today. 137. I had over 770 calories yesterday & I didn’t work out at all. I could sit here and say that its not my fault; that my dad brought me the McDonalds, but he didn’t shove it down my throat. And I didn’t do anything yesterday. I sat inside ALL DAY. I’m beginning to realize that when I started this the first time, I was 120 pounds. It was easier to lose then; I didn’t have to work as much. It just really hit me that if I want this, I’m going to have to really work for it. Its not a matter of picking the healthier choice and only eating half of it anymore. Its going to require intense fasting, hard workouts, & lots of self motivation. Its time to start taking responsibility for MY actions. I can’t blame my eating on my parents all the time, because half the time it isn’t even their fault. I’m not skinny enough for people to beg me to eat yet. So until that happens, I’ve got to watch out for myself. Do this on my own. Stop depending on other people to motivate and thinspire me.

On a side note, yesterday I had a BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT: I looked in the mirror at my stomach and thought to myself, “its really not as bad as it could be.” This is completely irrelevant, but it felt important at the time. Anyways.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ll either make coffee or a smoothie when I’m done typing this, probably. Its currently 86 degrees outside, so I think I’m going to wait until late afternoon to go jog. In the meantime, I’ll try to move as much as possible; burn as many calories as I can.

I know I said I’d be logging my food on here, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m really going to do it though. Starting today. And I’m going to try to blog every day, sometimes maybe even multiple times a day. I’m also going to make my phone wallpaper something thinspirational & put little motivational somethings around my room. I might not be ana again just yet, but making pro-ana my life again is a step in the right direction.

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