Sunday, July 11, 2010

fail fail fail.

My internet was being jank yesterday & wouldn't let me post. So here's yesterday's:

I went to subway’s website and found that a six inch turkey is 280 cals. Not as bad as I was thinking. I also used my mom’s scale (I’ve been using a different one) and said I was 136. I honestly can’t believe after last night’s workout, any scale would tell me I’m UP A FUCKING pound from yesterday. Honestly. There’s no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY. Ugh. So much for freezing myself.

I feel like its time to make a new plan. Not that I ever really had a set plan or anything, I just kinda eat soup when I’m really hungry or can’t get out of food and drink lots of fluids. But I came up with a plan on my walk last night & I’m going to try it out for a week or two, just to see how it works.

Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays = vegan days. Strict vegan diet (no meat, dairy, poultry, etc).
Tuesdays & Thursdays = no carb days. (no bread, pasta, cereal, etc)
Saturdays and Sundays = liquids only days (this includes soups and smoothies)

I’ll try to stay around 300 cals every day and getting over 450 is absolutely unacceptable.

I also need to find new ways to burn calories. The power-walking thing is giving me shin splints. What do you guys do for workouts? I have a bad knee so I can’t run very often. I can’t swim, so that’s a no go for the time being. Reading other blogs, that’s what I see most anas do. I don’t know.

I’m just really disappointed about the scale. Fuck.


So here's the deal about the scale sitch. My bathroom is pretty much the hallway between my & (to save us all some time and confusion, we’ll just call her my) sister’s room. We used to have a scale in our bathroom, but she moved it back into her room & I can only use it when she’s not home. She works Mon-Fri, 8-4, so its easy to just walk in, take it out, weigh myself & put it back during the week. But the weekends aren’t as easy, & that’s always when I need it the most. Siiigh.

So yesterday was a fail. My friend came over and we ordered pizza. As we were ordering I thought to myself “Fuck. This will stop my progress. Fuck.” But she was super hungry and it was too late to be like “oh, nevermind.” Without her asking questions and I couldn’t think of any legit excuses. So we ordered. & I was planning on eating one slice. Easy. It’d be simple to burn off & I could just skip my one allotted meal the next day. No biggie. But then the pizza came. Mushrooms & pineapple (my absolute favorite) and mushrooms and pepperoni + an order of those chicken things Domino’s has. The smell entered my nose & I felt like a completely different person. I chomp chomp chomped my way through the first slice & piece of chicken. Took a sip of Pepsi. Before I knew what I was doing I was in the middle of my third slice. Then my dad came in to give my cat some food and found my weed. “We’ll talk about this later.” He said angrily before walking out. And that’s when the stress eating began. I don’t even know how much I ate but I know it was a lot. More than allowed. More than necessary.

At around 1am I wanted an Icee. So I scrounged up my change from the pizza and headed out the door to the gas station that’s pretty close to my house. The walk there has to be around two miles. And I walked it to and from. Which is four miles. But I wasn’t power-walking or jogging, just regular walking. I don’t know if that burned anything or not.

I can’t weigh myself, except with my mom’s scale, but I don’t trust that scale. I woke up extremely hungry this afternoon. EXTREMELY. My stomach looks bigger but maybe I’m just imagining things. I don’t know. I’m going to eat some grapes & nothing else. Tomorrow will be just a fruit day too.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well. And one social interaction ruined it. I didn’t want to have to ever say this but I guess I’m left with no choice. Its time to burn bridges and become a loner. I can’t risk being faced with food every week. I have goals to meet. I’ll get all my friends back when I’m thin. But until that day, my only friends will be the scale & my hunger pains.

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

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