Saturday, December 31, 2011

new years eve whatsup

its 2:30 am, im stoned, and i just succumbed to the munchies. this break has been pretty detrimental to my progress, in all honesty. i mean, its been nice. i've been pleasantly stoned almost all day every day since break started. but i've also been with friends and had to keep up appearances, which means i've had to eat a shitty ton of fast food. soo much god damn taco bell, burger king, and mcdonalds. jesus fucking christ.

and i don't have a scale right now, so i'm going solely on mirrors and the way clothes fit. and not knowing an exact number is fucking killlling me. i swear to god a part of me dies with every bite i take, knowing i'll have no idea what it does to my body. fucking stressful, man. i swear to god its like, when i dont have a scale, id rather fucking not eat and not have to worry about numbers and shit. asdfghjkl.

on a brighter note, i passed almost everything first semester. algebra two kicked my ass. again. but i might be able to do credit recovery and still graduate in may. and next semester, im devoting myself entirely to school and weight loss. i'm definitely still gonna smoke before and after school and before bed and stuff, but i'll probably cut back from smoking with friends. which won't be hard, ever since i started feeling depressed again, none of my friends text or call or even really acknowledge my existence. so that part won't be hard. and t and i broke up yesterday and i'm gonna stay single for a while, so i won't have to deal with relationship drama anymore. so i'm hoping 2012 will be a good year. good grades, a diploma, moving out, and a decent amount of weight lost. that's all i want. yes.

i'm gonna go smoke another bowl and hit the hay. maybe if i can find an affordable one, i'll get off my lazy ass and buy a scale tomorrow. and i may even start making food plans and exercise regimens again. maybe my new years res should be to get more serious. yeah. well, sweet dreams.

i hope you're all doing well & had a good christmas. and here's to the new year; the new us c:

Sunday, October 16, 2011

day one

got out of breakfast and dinner. couldn't bail on lunch, i was with my grandma and she made me eat. buuuuuut i only ate one meal and i didn't finish it all, so that's a start.

i'm going to try to liquid fast tomorrow.
hopefully i'll be able to pull it off.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

fuck recovery.
fuck it.
i'm done.

my new boyfriend, who we'll call kyle, is fine with me having a love affair with ana, so that's not an issue anymore. my best friend who would be pissed if she knew moved an hour away so she'll never know. i have no excuses anymore. its time to get serious like first semester junior year. i'm not going to lay out any plans this time. i'm just going to say no to food when i can, work my ass off and as soon as i get my id, start buying diet pills because my stash is still at my mom's.

water, cigarettes, & coffee.
treadmills, elipitcal machines, & situps.
dizzy spells, hunger pains, & weight loss.
i'm ready.

i'm committing myself this time. no more excuses to be a pussy about it.
fuck being fat, fuck hating myself, fuck all that noise.
i'm getting down to the 90's.
nothing will stop me.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

i wanna be so skinny that i rot from view

last night was pretty intense. i threw up & told oliver about it, and we talked for a while and then he sends me this:

"alright so here's how this is going to work
you're going to swear to me that you'll keep it to an absolute minimum
key words: swear, absolute minimum
i'm going to pretend i don't care
in no way am i condoning or approving
and don't even let the thought that i encourage it cross your mind
i still want to know when it happens
but i won't get pissed and we'll change the subject right after
also i want to know how much you weigh right now
and once you're under 100 its over
does that work for you?"

now, keep in mind that this is the same kid that caused me to start all of this up again in tenth grade. i know i blogged about it but it was a long time ago and half of you guys didn't follow me back then so i'll tell the whole story again.
basically, i was in love with this kid my freshman year. he knew about the disorder and hated it immensely. he even once told me that if i died in a puddle of my own bile he wouldn't give a fuck. he hated it. so we struck up a deal. he'd quit smoking pot if i'd give up my eating disorder. (this was before i was a pothead) so i tried. i tried my ass off. as i'm sure all of you know, an eating disorder is a psychological issue that most often needs professional help to end completely. but i worked my ass off, hating myself every second of every day for it. only to find out that he was lying to me the whole fucking time. he never quit smoking, he just did it behind my back thinking i'd never find out. so i decided "fuck it." i submerged myself in my eating disorder and didn't give a fuck what he had to say about it. we eventually broke up, but i continued to have feelings for him. we didn't talk all summer. i decided that i wanted him back so i really gave up ana & mia for about two months. and then i saw him at school and we started texting again. eventually i asked him if he thought i was fat, now that he didn't have to lie to me about it anymore and he pretty much said yes. so i jumped right back into it. i enveloped myself in freezing showers, diet pills, saltwater flushes, and ipecac. i wrote eating disorder related poetry and stopped sleeping. it got intense.

now, we're back together. i'm no longer dumb enough to give ana up for a boy. or a girl. or anyone for that matter. this is mine. i'm going to hold on to it until i don't want to anymore. i don't care what anyone has to say about it. i'm doing this. he's really upset about it. he hates it. more than anything, he wants me to stop. and part of me wants to stop for him. but at the end of the day, he's broken my heart more than once. i don't trust him not to do it again. i'm not giving my life, my everything up for someone who very well might just up and leave one day. i'm no longer stupid.


the hunger pains just kicked in and i couldn't be happier. this means its real again. this is the start of something epic. i'm going to lose the weight this time; all the weight. i'm not going to get halfway there and let some boy get in the way. i mean business this time. i will be 98 pounds. i will, i will. so far today i've had coffee and a cigarette. i'm going to continue drinking coffee and water all day and hopefully find some way to get out of dinner. my dad's never home during the day, so i don't have to eat breakfast or lunch, but we usually go out for dinner and i have no choice but to eat something or he bitches. so i'm thinking i'll just fast all day til dinner and get a salad and eat like less than half of it. then work it all off when i get home. if i can't get out of eating, period.

how're all of you doing? its been forever since i've talked to anyone from the ana community. tell me what's been up! i wanna hear about your progress.

Monday, August 1, 2011

i'm back.

after breaking up with mike, going to rehab, getting kicked out, and partying hard since i was discharged, im now sitting at 133 pounds. this simply will not do. school starts soon, and i'm motivated. i will get thin this year. nothing will stop me.

mike broke up with me while i was in rehab, to date my best friend. i'm not the least bit surprised but it still hurts. so i'm channeling that hurt into motivation to get thin. now that mike can't say shit about how i lose the weight, i'm doing whatever the fuck i want. its my body and i'll do this my way.

my mom is out of the picture completely. she kicked me out & pretty much decided she wants nothing to do with me. which i'm totally cool with. fuck her. i want for the next time she sees me, to be thinthinthin. i want to prove to her that i don't need her.

so here's the plan.
for the first couple of days, i'm going to eat whatever i want as long as its before noon. no eating after 12, at all. then, three hour workouts minimum.
after the first couple of days, i'll go back to fasting like normal.
i want to be 100 pounds by my birthday.
i can do this.

right now, i'm listening to god is an astronaut, sipping a red bull. thinking.
i'm just really sad and i'm hoping that returning to ana's loving arms will make me feel better.
fingers crossed.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

out of the hospital. again.

and i'm ready to lose some serious weight. so much shit has gone down in the past month, i need a good distraction and ana will be that distraction. i got two weeks until i leave for drug rehab, and i plan to lose at least ten pounds in those two weeks. i can do this. nothing will stop me. i will be thin.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

mardi gras mambo

its mardi gras which for most people means food, fun, and parades. for me, however, it means drugs, hunger, and nights i can't remember with people i can't forget. last night was the first parade of mardi gras weekend '11. i went to a party at kylie's house where there was so much food i thought i was going to die. but the night was successful. i didnt eat a single bite; i drank a little which i know is empty calories but i also smoked which increases metabolism, so i should be good. i can't weigh myself til i get back to my mom's which will be sometime today. i neeeeed to know what the number is.

right now, i'm sipping coffee and i have every meal for today planned out. tomorrow i'll eat only fruit, then monday and tuesday are fasting days. and when i go back to school on wednesday, i'll eat only fruit again. got my plan. got ambition. im ready to rock this bitch.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

im baaaaack.

been in the hospital for sixteen days.
officially diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia.
gained ten pounds.

time to get back in gear. that hospital food fucked me up, big time. so its time for a change.
ready, set, here we go.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

day one of three day fast

still 119. fasting for three days to get as low as possible before winter formal. i really don't even want to go at this point. but mike does, so for his sake, i'll get as thin as i can to look halfway decent. ugh.

i woke up at one a.m this morning. did some homework, some crunches, and walked half a mile in 32 degree weather. started the day of right. when i get home from school, i'll walk for an hour and hopefully go to the y when i'm done with my homework. i've decided that i have three priorities in life right now:
1. my relationship with mike.
2. weight loss.
3. school.
in that order. so i'm going to spend my school week focused on not eating and studying. i want the perfect gpa. then, once i'm thin, i'll have the perfect body and the perfect mind. (:

i'll be chewing nicotine gum all day to stop myself from eating. (nicotine also boosts metabolism) i also plan to drink like a fish today. all water. nothing else. i will get down to 115 before saturday. i will, i will, i will.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

i fucking hate my fat fucking self.

U G H. i tried to eat normally. for mike. i was going to make things right, and eat without throwing up. got on the scale a few minutes ago, 119. four pounds after two days of eating normal? fuck that. i'm never eating normally again. fuck that.

now its going to take forever for those two pounds to come off. fuckkkkkkkkkk. i fucking hate myself. so much. not eating for the rest of the week. idgaf if mike gets pissed. im getting under 115 again before i even touch anything besides water. fuck it fuck it fuck it. food can suck it. i don't need it. i'll live on celery if i absolutely have to eat. fuck.

dsijrtriodftgouidhuiogdf. two fucking pounds. i can't even believe that shit. im so pissed off.
fdkgjlflkgjf ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Monday, February 7, 2011


and i don't know where to go from here. puking is no longer an option; i refuse to lose mike over something that stupid. and he makes me eat when i'm with him, though he's really good at picking low cal, fat free stuff to eat and he never makes me eat too much. so fasting on weekends is over with now. so i think i'm just going to fast during the school week and eat on the weekends in front of him. losing will come slower, but its the only plan i've got right now.

on a happier note: this strapless bra i have that used to be too tight around my torso now fits perfectly. and i tried on a pair of size 3 jeans at pacsun and they fit. so i'm doing okay. (:

how are you guys doing?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

shit hit the fan.

we had a snow day, so me, mike, & kylie were all going to hang out and spend the night at mike's. i was fasting, and had ruined it by eating a bag of chips. so when mike picked us up, we stopped to get cigarettes at a gas station and i threw up in the bathroom. little did i know, mike had sent kylie in after me to make sure i didnt do exactly what i did. and shit hit the fan.

he was mad. really. fucking. mad. and the whole night was ruined. the next day, he broke up with me. "i can't be with you if you're doing this, pixie." were his exact words. he left me crying in the van.

after talking to his sister and crying for about 45 minutes, he gave me another chance. if i stopped, we could get back together. i promised him i wouldn't throw up forcefully ever again. and we're back together. but if i do it again, its game over.

now i don't know what to do. i'm 117 pounds, nowhere near my goal. but is this worth losing the love of my life?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

its becoming an obsession

all day all i could think about was my weight/food. all day. i drew stick figures and wrote "fat bitch" all over my arms in class. i stared at my thinspo notebook at lunch. its becoming my obsession again.
and i'm 100% okay with that.


well... IM OUT OF THE 120s!!!!!
as of 3:17 this morning, i am officially 119 lbs. even with water weight. (:

i'm ecstatic right now. i'm sitting on cloud nine, swinging my feet and singing a jolly tune. nothing can bring me down today. and nothing can make me eat today.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


so, the whole get-down-to-119 plan was ruined by stupid period bloating. and i have a general rule that when i'm raggin', i don't get on the scale. and i tell myself that if i work hard enough, i won't have to deal with periods anymore. so i'm fasting til i'm off the rag. no food. no soup. no smoothies. just water, diet coke, tea, coffee, juice, etc.

i have a cat scan today, so i'm not allowed to eat or drink anything but water anyway so i'm using that as an excuse to water fast today. hopefully this week's fast will impact my loss when i'm done raggin'.

when i'm on the rag, working out just doesn't seem like something i want to be a part of. what do you guys (ladies, i mean) do for exercise during that dreaded TOM?

think thin, stay strong xoxo

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

home from school today

and i'm using it to my advantage. i'm going to spend the day upping the ante; watching dvr'd thinspirational shows/specials, looking at thinspo online, working out, reading Wasted, and freezing. i was 120 yesterday, and i'm 121 today. i'm determined to get to 119 by tomorrow. and i'm not eating again until i'm 115. i've got my plan in motion and i can do this.

so far, i've had a hot chocolate ( 210 calories) and i'm currently sipping a homemade caramel frap (>110 calories) and then its water for the rest of the day. i wanted to use laxies today to help lose a couple pounds, but i can't find my stash. so i might do a saltwater flush, but it depends on if my grandma ends up coming over to "keep me company" while i'm sick. so i guess we'll see.

in other news: my size 5 jeans are officially too big! they practically fall off of me. :D
i can't wait to get to a double zero. i'll feel so accomplished.

well, i'm off to lose these damn two pounds. stay strong, lovelies. <3

Saturday, January 29, 2011

back down:)

back down to 122 and i'm not screwing it up this time. i've had a banana today & i'm about to eat some oatmeal, and that's it. restricting HARD today and tomorrow, and fasting all next week. i will be out of the 120's before Winter Formal (Feb. 12).

in the past 48 hours, i've been asked twice about my weight. its the greatest feeling ever when someone says "omg how'd you lose so much weight?" or "you're getting so tiny, pixie." considering i'm not even that small yet. i keep telling myself to think about the comments i'll get when i'm 110, 105, and then 98. god, i can't wait.

so, how is everyone doing? are you guys reaching your goals and thinking thin/living ana?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

i gave up on fasting this week; i'm just restricting. i'll fast all next week. too many things keep coming up to successfully fast this week, fuck.

BUT. i've gotten so many comments about looking skinnier this week. SO many. my mom, my grandma, my psychiatrist, people from school. its so thinspirational. i can't wait til im in the double digits!

so how are you all doing? i want to make more ana friends, don't be shy. i don't bite:)

Monday, January 24, 2011

munchies got me again

but i'm down two pounds, so no complaints yet. i'm taking a break from pot. just until i get under 110 pounds. then i'll go back to toking regularly. i'm not supposed to be smoking anyway, for mike, and i feel awful every time i do it anyway. i love that boy so much, and going behind his back when i'm supposed to be supporting him breaks my heart. so no more pot for me til i'm under 110 at least.

i won't be able to fast friday because mike is taking me to dinner for our anniversary, so i'll just have to work out extra hard for tomorrow, wednesday, and thursday. it sucks but ya gotta do what you gotta do, i suppose.
yesterday i woke up at 121 pounds, and decided to celebrate with a toke. i smoked a gram and a half of some really good shit, got the munchies, and ate my ass off (or really gained it back). woke up this morning at 124.

so, liquid fast this week with water fasting on days with the letter u in them. i know its weird, but it seems safe to me and i do it all the time, lol. so yeah. and i'm going to start bracing the cold and running every morning/night again, along with punching my punching bag. getting serious. if the cost of being thin is no more pot smoking, so be it. i'm supposed to be sober for mike anyway. whatever it takes to have my bones stick out, my thighs not touch, and my goal reached. i am going to do this. i will get thin or die trying.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

i woke up at 122 pounds this morning. i did a happy dance in my bathroom.
and then i ruined it.

i came home from school and binged my ass off. three bags of chips, a snickers, a bowl of soup, two swiss cheese sandwiches, half a bowl of cereal, and a pepsi. of course, my initial reaction was to purge.
oppps. that didn't work.
i was on my knees in front of the toilet with my fingers in my throat for about half an hour. the pepsi came back up & a little bit of the cereal, and that's it. i freaked the fuck out and called my very best ana friend, nikki ( she helped calm me down and made me feel positive about our fast tomorrow. i still can't believe i binged after only a few days. fuuuuck. bad start. bad bad bad start.

but, tomorrow's a new day. i'm not eating anything tomorrow. in fact, i might just do a water fast for the next two days. lord knows i'm going to need it when i wake up in the morning and look at the numbers on the scale.

sigh. i'm scared to see what the scale says tomorrow. i hope you guys are doing better than i am. think thin, stay strong. love you guys<3

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

back down to 123 after two days of no food(:
and i feel awesome; invincible. nothing can stop me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


i want to look like the second picture SO badly..
i cannot wait.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

day three.

woke up at 123.8 lbs. don't have a clue how that happened but i'm not complaining by any means. i guess i can just thank metabolism, since i totally fucked up yesterday.

i'm going to the zoo with my dad and his girlfriend today, which means LOTS of walking, which means lots of calories burned. so i'm pretty pumped. hopefully i can be out of the 120s by the time i go back to school on tuesday. four pounds in three days? totally doable. it'll just take work. but, i can do it. i've been looking at a lot of thinspo lately. i got this. AND my mother posted a facebook status saying she'd lost 11 pounds since new years. fuck that, i'm not letting that bitch lose more than me. fuck no. i'll be at 98lbs before she can even get to 120. fuck that shit. got this shit on lock. ;]

day four:
got caught purging at my boyfriend's house. he was so disappointed in me, :/. the way he looked at me when i was on my knees in front of the toilet pathetically literally made me want to die. that boy means the world to me and having him disappointed in me is the worst feeling in the world. dfkjthfg. fuck.

day five/six:
woke up back at 125 so i decided to do a three day liquid fast. so far today i've had a bottle of water, a powerade zero, a 5 hour energy (4 calories), a capri sun (60 calories) and a hot chocolate (210 calories). i'm going to work out when i'm done with my chores/homework and hopefully work off all the calories and stick to water for the rest of the day. i'm really not even hungry. so, that's good i guess. hopefully i can get out of dinner. i really don't feel like purging tonight after what happened at mike's.

Friday, January 14, 2011

day two.

didn't manage to get through the day food-free. but i was sub 300 cals, so i'm not going to beat myself up just yet. stayin' posi. and as of this morning, i am 125 lbs. so i AM losing, even if it is only a mere pound.

and my pure hatred for my mother is fueling me now. i'm so fucking sick of her bullshit. so i'm going to starve my anger away. fuck fighting with her. fuck confronting her about her sick and twisted thought process. fuck that. i'll just starve myself until i can't feel anymore; until there's nothing left of me to give a shit.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

day one.

so, its almost four pm on day one of starting over and i've done really well so far. no solid food at all, which was my goal for the day. i'm going to try to go to bed at around eight tonight, so i only have to stick it out for four more hours and day one will be a success! last night, i was watching american dad and it was SO thinspiring for some reason, lol. steve was anorexic in the episode and that's all it took for me to get my fat ass back in gear. i did leg lifts until i fell asleep & planned out my calories in my head. i am officially back in the game. i started getting hunger pains around third hour today and it feels SO GOOD. i can't even explain it. i know i've said this a lot in the past few months, but i mean it this time: i'm in this for the long run. it just feels different this time. i'm so determined. i will get thin. no matter what it takes.

today at school, i was walking to sixth hour and a friend of mine stopped and looked at me and said "have you lost weight? cause i mean, you look.. wow." honestly, i haven't lost any weight because i just started over, but if that wasn't thinspiring i don't know what is! i was on cloud nine for the rest of the day. i can't wait to see what people say when i get into the double digits.

i just want to say again: thank you all for following me! i want to get to know all of you, so don't be shy on the comments on here or on facebook. & i'm always looking for new texting buddies, so just hit me up! i love every single one of you. think thin, stay strong ladies & germs<3 xoxoxoxo

Sunday, January 9, 2011

i haven't really been in habit lately, but i am back. currently 126, and i WILL be out of the 120s by the end of the month. no exceptions.

and duuuuude, when did i get so many followers?! thank you all so much! i love every single one of you. <3