Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day 3 of Starting Fresh.

Same weight as yesterday. I'm not surprised or upset because I ate yesterday and know that I could be up. I threw off the plan by eating yesterday but I'm going to continue as though I hadn't and it'll just serve as punishment. So today is a liquids only day (not counting soup, shakes, or smoothies). Water, juice, coke, tea, etc. and that's it. If I take in less than 300 cals and work my ass off, I can still be in the 120s by tomorrow. Will I be able to though? We'll find out.

Its 7am here and I'm not sure why I'm awake. I went to bed around ten last night, which I guess is nineish hours but I'm never up this early. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it.

Every time I look at the scale and see that its in the 130s, I think a part of me dies a little bit. That sounds really melodramatic, I know. But I've always been in the 120s or lower, always. Even before I got myself involved in this subculture, this private little world of ours. I don't know, it just really bothers me. I guess its a good thing cause its giving me the drive to not eat. Even when I'm eating with my family and whatnot, my subconscious is telling me to eat smaller bites, eat slower, mentally divide the plate in half, sit up straighter, drink in between each bite. This is helpful, yes. But when I'm not here, home alone, my subconscious turns on me. If I'm at school and see a girl around my size, I'll find myself thinking, "She's really pretty. And not bone thin. Maybe curves are good after all." Or things to that effect. I used to have an AnaBuddy at school, but she dropped out earlier this year. I have a texting AnaBuddy and she's been very helpful and I'm so thankful for her, but I feel like one isn't enough anymore. I've got to be in this for the long run. I need to be accountable so that I don't waver. Y'know? If you're interested, hit me up at I appreciate it so much.

I think that something really is wrong with me. If I'm not depressed, I'm nothing. I'm completely numb. I don't feel anything. Like, it feels like I'm watching me live my life day to day. I don't feel me walking out of the front door, but I can see me doing it. Maybe I'm just a weirdass, who knows?

I don't know what today will bring. Hopefully I'll get the strength to go run or something. I know I won't eat. I refuse. Stay strong today, guys. Love you.

1 comment:

  1. i absolutely know how you feel. i'm not numb all the time, but if i dont eat for too long, my parents will yell or threaten my, and i just dont feel anything. not expression. like i cant even TRY to care. is that strange?