Sunday, May 30, 2010


I hate myself. I've gained.
Not eating tomorrow. No matter what.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I woke up at 132 pounds this morning. I keep having to remind myself that it may not be lowest weight, but it is lower than yesterday. Gotta win the little battles before the entire war, in the words of Nikki. :) There is so much say about the past 24 hours. I guess I should just start from the beginning.

For those of you who didn't read my other blog, I had a boy. Not a boyfriend, not even an "almost-gunna-be-boyfriend" type thing. He was an ex, and we seemingly still had feelings for each other. We're going to call him Silas. I met Silas in the ninth grade. It was around October. By November, we liked each other and it was obvious to everyone except us. We kept "talking" for seven months. March 30, 2009, we officially started dating. He knew from pretty much the very beginning that I toed the line of Ana and Mia. And he hated it. I mean, really hated it. We made an agreement that he wouldn't smoke pot (this was before I became the lovable stoner I am now) and I'd keep my food down. That's what the deal was and I planned to keep my end of it. After all, you can't throw up what you didn't eat. Needless to say, he found out that I wasn't eating and got pissed. He yelled about how hard it was for him to quit smoking and I was just sitting around looking for loopholes in the deal. And he kept up the act for a long time. Long after I'd found out he never quit smoking the green. The fact that he continued to try to make me feel like shit after he didn't even keep is end of the deal should have been my sign to walk away. But I didn't and by March, we were together. Somehow, by the grace of God, he convinced me to stop. I was eating "normal" sized meals and keeping them down. Letting the numbers on the scale climb higher and higher. And he would say how proud he was of me. And it made me happy. So I kept it up. Until June when we broke up. I know break ups happen to people all the time but it doesn't suck any less when it happens to you. He said "I want us to still be friends. Like close. Like we were before we started dating." Of course, that didn't happen. I didn't see him again until school started, with the exception of one time at a show. And even then we didn't get on friendly terms again until right before he left for boot camp. Now, he's at boot camp and we occasionally write letters. Some of them seeming like the "us" thing was going to happen again.

Pause. As all of this is going on, I am also envolved with someone else. Yes, I know that makes me a "cheater" and whatnot. But its really not how it sounds. She was my best friend (and in all fairness, she was there first). And I just happened to fall in love with her. At first it was innocent. I loved her, she had feelings for me and we flirted. It wasn't any big deal, we were the best of friends, after all. Inseperable. Codependent. And then one night, we got "drunk" and erm.. expressed our love physically. And it just got bad after that. I was torn between the two. I know it sounds bad. But one was my sweet, loving, caring, best friend and one was just some boy who lied to me all the time and told me to die in a puddle of my own bile when he got mad. And I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up. I'll go into detail about that in a later post. But Skye (Did I already mention that we're calling her Skye?) was the only person who knew how to handle me when I got in a bad way. I know it was a selfish thing for me to do and I do regret it, but at the time it seemed like the only way. Mardi Gras weekend, Skye went on a church retreat that she was forced to go to. While she was there, she got "saved" and devoted her life to Christ. Which of course means no homosexuality. So she erased me from her life. No goodbye, no explanation, nothing. She deleted me from Facebook & Myspace, stopped following me on Twitter, and blocked my number. And just like that, she was gone.

Fast forward to the present. Last night I went to the mall with a friend. And guess who I run into not five minutes after being there? Silas. He's back on a weekend leave. Or was. He left at seven this morning. Regardless, I'm finally face to face with him after five months of letter writing. We had a casual conversation and he went back to the people he came with. Then, about twenty minutes later guess who I run into? If you guessed Skye, you are a winner. Needless to say, it was awkward. She gave me a hug and we attempted causal conversation, then she went inside. (We had been standing by the stores outside of the mall) And as I watched her walk away, I started to cry. My friends asked what was up and I told them the whole story and by the time I had finished, she had texted a boy I was with saying "Hey, do you know where Pixie is?" he told her that he was with me & she asked us to meet her. So we did.

I sat next to her in the food court and started talking. We were having a friendly conversation when Silas walked up and sat on the other side. So, here I am sitting between Skye, who I'm still in love with and Silas, who I'm not ready to let go of yet. If you think it was anything but awkward, you are sadly mistaken, my friend.

Skye left. I asked her if there was a chance that we would ever be friends again and she said "I really hope so. Its not up to me." And she hugged me and walked away. Later that night, Silas and I were texting and he came clean. He had been seeing someone else this whole time we've been writing letters and such. So I told him about Skye. And he got pissed. I mean, we eventually apologized and we're on friendly terms now but it doesn't change the fucked up-ness of this whole thing.

So now I'm alone. Completely. And I don't know if I'm gay (which I'm pretttty sure I am), bi, straight, or what. Or what I'm doing. All I really know is: the next time I see either one of them, I want to scary skinny. I want them to know that I'm better off without them, even if I'm not.

Friday, May 21, 2010

06: First of Summer

Its the first day of summer and I'm dedicating summer '10 to weight loss. I woke up at 133 lbs today. Its still higher than my low weight, but its less than yesterday and that's okay for now. I've already had a Special K bar (90 cals) and I'm sipping on some lemon water.

Do you guys ever get hardcore headaches when you're restricting/fasting? Is there a way to prevent them?

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I fucked up yesterday. I got to where I'd spend my whole day and immediately, shit hit the fan.

Mom offered me a bag of chips. I ate them without tasting them.
I was offered McDonald's fries. Scarfed them bitches down quick.
I saw a chocolate covered granola bar in my mom's purse. I choked it down.
Then the guilt kicked in.
I went to the bathroom with full expectations of purging the shit but I hadn't eaten enough to do it successfully. So I was fucked.

Then I got home at around midnight and had Burger King. I'd already fucked up, so why the fuck not, right?

That was my last cheat day. I've had a Special K bar already today. I'm about to have a coffee, and I'm sippin on Pepsi right now. After the coffee, nothing but water. Until tomorrow night.

I really hate my fat fucking self. My thighs are ginormus, my gut is disgusting, my arms are flabby, I can't see my ribs, I've got a double chin when I pull my head back, and I can't see the veins in my arms and hands. All my size 3 jeans are too small now. When I run, my thighs rub together and its awful. I just fucking hate myself, my body. UGH.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

04: Fuck.

Its almost noon and I'm in the process of eating lunch. Three pieces of grapefruit & a homemade smoothie (pineapple and blueberry). I know I said that I'd liquid fast today, but I woke up with an awful headache and I had to eat with the medicine I took. So I will definitely liquid fast tomorrow and Monday to make up.

I'm watching Intervention and its about a girl with bulimia. Is it weird that watching eating disordered people get "recovered" makes me want to starve starve starve? I feel like its supposed to be inspiring and frightening at the same time, but all it does is motivate me. It does scare me, though. As much as I want to get to my goal weight, I would absolutely hate to see my mother cry over me. I wouldn't mind seeing my dad get upset, but every time I make my mom cry it breaks my heart. I hope I can just get to 98 lbs quickly and be done. Part of me knows it won't happen like that at all and the other part of me wants to be optimistic. In the long run, I know I'm in this for life.

My current goal is to be under 110 pounds at the end of summer. Then I want to lose those last twelve pounds before Christmas. I believe I can do it if I stick to it and don't waver anymore.

Friday, May 14, 2010

03: Computer Crash.

My computer crashed last week and I had no way to post. Blah. There wasn't a whole lot going on that you missed out on, guys. I lost two pounds, got stoned and had the munchies, and gained those two pounds back.

There are four days of school left and after that, I am fully devoted to weight loss. I plan on liquid fasting every other day. I really hope I have the strength to do it.

I want to hear from my three followers :D. How are you all? Are you Ana/Mia/EDNOS? What are your goals? Any diet tips/tricks? Favorite bands? Grade in school? I want this blog to be more interactive than the last one was. Y'know? Well, yeah.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Hopefully I can just push the fluids and get out of eating. That would be wonderful.

Oh, by the way, my alias is Pixie Rose. So: Hi, my name is Pixie. What's yours?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

02: Day One

I woke up an hour late and had a coffee (sugar and cream :/), I don't know how many calories. At school I had a few bites of a cinnamon roll and nothing else. Then I got home.

I think its just routine and I'm not used to doing it any other way; I get off the bus, walk home, use the bathroom, eat. Every single day. Today didn't start off so bad - a little bit of jello. Then I saw last night's leftovers and ate some. And some cheese. And a bag of chips. And a Pepsi.

I'll admit, it could have been way worse than it was. But there is most definitely room for improvement. I want to go the rest of the school year & all summer on nothing but cottage cheese, jello, & salad. Liquid fast every other day.Wouldn't it be great if I could pull that off? I'd lose all my weight, no doubt.

Tomorrow I'm going to liquid fast. (water, juice, milk, coke, etc)
Saturday I might just eat soup at each meal.
Then I'm going to start my cottage cheese/jello/salad diet; liquid fasting every other day.

98 pounds, here I come.


I said it would be my last post on THIS blog and I wasn't kidding.
Buuuuuuuuut I did make a new one.
Follow? :)

01: New beginning.

I have this habit.

I'll stop eating for a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks and lose about ten pounds. Then I give up. I'll have money and see a fast food restaurant I just can't pass by or see a curvy girl and think "She's pretty and not skinny. Maybe I can pull it off, too." And I gain back all the weight I lost (and sometimes even more!) And the cycle starts all over again.

I'm done with that. I'm done with this clearly visible belly and these thighs that touch and this chin that doubles up when I pull my head back far enough or these arms that jiggle. I'm done hating what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm done with never being able to find jeans that actually fit. I'm done. I'm going to do whatever it takes to lose 40 pounds and I won't stop until I do. On the first day of school next year, I will be 98 pounds.

I've had a pro ana blog before, ( but it wasn't very serious. This one will be taken seriously. I'm going to record EVERYTHING that goes into my body, keep track of where I am on the scale (how far from my goal I am), and just generally keep it up.

I'm not sure what the point of having an internet blog rather than a physical "Ana Notebook" is. Maybe to give/recieve support and advice from fellow anas? Maybe to give myself a sense of accountability? I don't know. What I do know is:

I am going to get thin or die trying.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I've decided

That this will be my last post on the blog. No one reads it anyway, so its not like it matters. But yeah.

I'm not giving up on Ana, herself. Just the Ana Community. I wish you all the best of luck.