Friday, July 23, 2010

I ate so much yesterday. I was up a pound yesterday anyway, so I’m just not going to get on the scale today. And since I had a 500 calorie day in the plan, I’m just using yesterday as my 500 cal day. I’m fasting for the next four days; liquids only for the first two days & water only for the second two. Time to get into high gear. I don’t have that much longer until school starts & I still have over ten pounds to lose.

Yesterday at the psychiatrist, she told me I looked like I had lost a bunch of weight and I looked like a whole new person. I weighed 136 pounds the last time she saw me, yesterday I was 133. I don’t understand why she thought I had lost so much weight, but she wouldn’t stop talking about it. It made me feel really good.

I’m calling the rest of the summer Back to School Boot Camp. Its going to be hardcore. I’m only giving myself one eating day a week. And I’m working out twice a day. I need to meet this goal. I NEED TO!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Its five am and I just woke up. I ate more yesterday than I would have liked and I had a chocolate chip granola bar. Damn. I just know that when I get on the scale in four hours, it’ll say that I’m back up to 134. Fuck. Yesterday I had chicken noodle soup, a muffin, a slice of cheddar and a slice of pepperjack cheese on a mini bagel, a Pepsi, and miso soup. Everything besides the Miso Soup and Pepsi was eaten before one, and I walked a ½ mile & did some situps, and I slept for ten hours and sleep supposedly burns calories. My stomach is growling so I hope my day of gluttony kick started my metabolism but didn’t stick too much to my ribs. Speaking of, after stretching shirtless in the mirror, I think about ten pounds from now I’ll be able to see ribs without sucking in. That’s something to look forward to!

I have therapy today, which means a drug test. I guess its good that I’ve been drinking loads of water lately. And I hope these Azo pills have helped. If I fail however many drug tests, I have to go to inpatient rehab. That’s not at all something I want any part of.

I think I’m going to take a little nap before I weigh myself, hopefully I’ll burn some cals doing so.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 4 of the Back to School Challenge

Weight: 132

Today was my 300 calorie day, and I’m pretty sure I went over 300 cals but not too much. I had chicken noodle soup (220 cals) at midnight and then a muffin (? cals) at around nine. So all my calories were before noon, which means I can probably burn them all off before bed. I’m water fasting for the rest of the day.

I bought three cucumbers for my next eating days so I won’t be tempted to binge. And I’ve put multiple water bottles in various places (like six in the fridge, two in the freezer, & three in the outside freezer) so I always have cold water on hand.

I’m watching this MTV Documentary called “Return to Fat Camp” and its pretty thinspiring. I’ve seen it a billion times but it always gets my Ana mindset up and running. Not that I was having trouble. I actually feel really strong these days. I love the feeling of hunger and I love seeing the number on the scale drop each day, even if it is only one digit less. It feels really good. AND last night on my walk, I realized that my thighs don’t rub together as awkwardly as they did before. They still touch and they do rub, but its not nearly like it was this time two weeks ago. Can’t stop progress, right?

So I was looking at myself in the mirror and looking at what I wanted to change and blah blah blah & I think I like my curves (if that’s what you want to call ‘em), but I NEED a flatter stomach, a thinner face, thinner thighs, & thinner arms. My arms are the worst. Because I can’t do pushups and I don’t have weights or anything, I don’t really know how to tone them up at all. Any suggestions, feel free to share!

The rest of today will consist of writing an essay for my therapist and burning calories. Fun day ahead, right?

Stay strong, think thin xoxoxo

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Weight: 133

Its 11am and I still haven’t been to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, ran in place for ten minutes, attempted (failed) a few pushups, & did sixty something sit ups. I’ve finished one liter of water. I’m trying to get three in today. I have a slight headache, but other than that I feel great. Its good to feel like I’m in control again.

I’ve realized that I post too many entries daily, so I’m just going to open a word document everyday and type on it all day and then just post it right before bed. Posts will probably be longer because of this but not too many people read this, so I’m not too worried haha.

I’ve been thinking and I realized that since school starts soon, I’m going to have to start planning differently. So I think I’m going to try to eat one meal on school days, lunch, and bring something small and healthy. Ideas for school lunches (this is really just to help me remember when school starts):
• Rice cakes
• A cucumber & ranch
• Hummus
• Pre-packaged cubed fruit
• Bananas and peanut butter


Its 2:14 am, I’ve had three hot chocolates and two liters of water since this time yesterday. No solid food. The hunger is starting to kick in and it feels nice. I’m going to have one more hot chocolate and take a shower and try to go for a walk without waking anyone up.

Monday, July 19, 2010

complaints and confusion

Its 6:30 am and I haven’t been to bed yet. I’ve been reading “Ana tips and tricks” on the internet all night. Trying to stay thinspired. I still haven’t eaten but I did have a cup of hot chocolate at like 4.

Can I just bitch for a minute? Okay. This chick that I go to school with is fat. Not morbidly obese or anything but any Ana would declare her fat. And she pretends that she’s skinny. Like she asks skinny people to borrow their clothes as if they’re going to fit her & she always talks about how much weight she’s losing and blah blah blah. But she ALWAYS begs people for food at school. Like seriously, every fucking day. So I was on Facebook (my real one, not my ana one) and she posted a status that was all “I’ve gotten down to eating one meal a day… Probably not healthy.” And someone liked it and she was like “Thanks for liking my eating disorder!” and it pissed me the fuck off. I know it shouldn’t piss me off as bad as it did, but like seriously? I’m putting myself through HELL and have been for like a year now, the restricting, the fasting, the fucking freezing showers, the midnight runs, the tears cried over numbers, the lies told, the friendships and relationships ended, the personal HELL and she doesn’t know a fucking thing about it and she’s just joking about it like its no big thing. Ugh. It fucking pisses me the fuck off.

But as much as it pissed me off, it motivated me. She’s fucking fat. I want to shed so much weight and show her what an eating disorder looks like. And when I see her at lunch stuffing her fat face, I’ll sit up straight and sip my water like a fucking boss because I’m not weak enough to be a fucking fatass. I’ll show her. Ugh.

Liquid fasting again today. I might even water fast just to spite her. I don’t know. The hot chocolate earlier was AMAZING and I’m pretty sure its low cal so I might make another cup for breakfast and then water fast the rest of the day.

So anyways. I know people say that freezing showers burn more calories and stuff, but I was thinking about it earlier and I’m confused. I have a friend who’s on the wrestling team and when he has to lose a few pounds to stay in his weight class, he sweats as much as possible because the more you sweat, the more weight you lose. So wouldn’t hot showers be just as/more beneficial? Also, at brunch yesterday my mom was talking about this diet book she’s reading and it says that drinking a bunch of water simply expands your stomach and makes you hungrier in the long run. Does anyone know anything that could clear this up?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

sunday brunch

I couldn’t get on the scale this morning, so I’m not sure where I am. Today was pretty successful though. Yay!

My sleep schedule is completely fucked, so I usually don’t go to sleep until noon. But today, my dad walks in my room at like 10:30 and says “We’re going to brunch.” Now, I should probably tell you that my family isn’t the “Sunday Brunch” type. At all. We kind of all just do our own thing and pretend the others don’t exist. So I was a little scared/shocked. So we got to the restaurant before it was open and my mom was like “Fuck this, let’s go to Starbucks.” I was relieved because I was supposed to be liquid fasting and I could drink coffee and no one would suspect anything. So I got a caramel frap and we all sat outside.

Then when 11 came, they decided they still wanted to go to brunch. So we want back to the restaurant and everyone orders drinks (except me, I’m the only minor). So while everyone is getting tipsy, I’m planning on ways to get out of eating. The waiter came back to take our orders and I said I wasn’t ready, so everyone else ordered another drink. By the time I “was ready”, everyone had a slight buzz. The plan had worked.

So I ordered a biscuit plate, which is just four biscuits. And when the food comes, everyone is all wrapped up in drunken conversation that no one even pays attention to me. When the waiter came back to refill our drinks or whatever, I quickly asked him for a box and by the time anyone noticed that I hadn’t eaten, it was all boxed up and put away. Sunday Brunch = not a single bite.

We came home and I toked and fell asleep until eleven and I got my leftovers and chew/spat three of them and gave one to my dog. I still haven’t eaten anything today. And it feels awesome.

I didn’t even drink half of my coffee or my coke at the restaurant. So I’m guessing I’m at about 100 liquid cals for today. :D

I’m going to go take a smoke break, then take an icy cold shower and look at thinspo. I want to meet this goal. I will do it.

Think thin, stay strong xoxoxo

new challenge

School starts on August 11, which means if I’m going to reach my goal I have 24 days to lose 19 pounds. I honestly don’t know if I can do it but I’m sure as hell going to try. If 134 is how much I am with water weight from my period, and I lose a pound a day until school starts, I’d say I have a pretty decent shot at making it. This is my first REAL challenge since embracing Ana again. I’m going to try harder than I’ve ever tried before to make it.

I’ve got to make my plan. Okay.
Day 1 (today) – Liquid Fast.
Day 2 – Liquid Fast.
Day 3 – Fruit smoothie for breakfast; water fast the rest of the day.
Day 4 – 300 calories
Day 5 - Liquid fast
Day 6 – Liquid fast
Day 7 – 500 calories
Day 8 – Water fast
Day 9 – Liquid fast
Day 10 – Fruit only
Day 11 – Water fast
Day 12 – Water fast

I’ll try to stick to this plan as much as possible and see how it goes, then plan the next half of the challenge later on in the month.

If a situation comes up were I absolutely cannot get out of eating, I’ll restrict. Hard.

No more soft drinks. No more hot showers. No more sleeping with blankets. Its time to get down to business.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Saturday, July 17, 2010

little blessings

Its nine oclock pm & I just checked my weight. The scale says 134. I honestly don’t even know how that’s possible because I’m on my period AND I’ve eaten at least one meal a day for the past few days. But I’m not complaining. Not by any means.

I had a few sips of coffee for breakfast (9amish) and a six inch turkey with swiss, pickles & mustard for dinner (about 30 minutes ago). No one’s home right now so I may go out for a run/jog and just hope my knee doesn’t dislocate.

My friend who’s out of the country (since he’s my best friend, I figure I should give him an alias. We’ll call him Mike) gets back in fourteen days. I still want to be 125 when I go to the airport to greet him. And I still don’t know when school starts, but I want to be 115 or less by the first day.

Since I’m supposedly (I still don’t believe it) at 134 right now, I think I’m going to liquid fast until I’m back in the 120’s. I’ve lost five pounds in a day before, so its not like it’ll be hard to do. So the next two days will consist of freezing showers, AC turned way up, lots of water and coffee, and lots of movement. I’ll start it out as a two day liquid fast and if I’m not down by the second night, I’ll change it to a water fast.

So I know this sounds bad, but I wanna do coke again. I’m pretty much a legit pothead. I toke all the time & I pop prescription pills sometimes. I’ve done coke a few times and lately I’ve really really really been wanting to get back into it. I know that sounds terrible, but I can’t help it. Its not like an addiction, I just want to. I don’t know how to explain it. When Mike gets home, he told me he’d get in touch with the guy he gets it from. So I guess its just a waiting game.

Think thin, stay strong xoxo.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Today was a bad day. A bad day indeed.

A. I have the worst cramps IN THE WORLD.
B. I figured I’d eat a low cal breakfast to get my metabolism working & ten minutes after I finished, my dad brought me McDonalds.
C. I went to sleep at 9am (my sleeping schedule gets out of whack during summer) and woke up at 2; then went back to bed at 4 and woke up at 8, and my dad asked me to eat dinner with him. It was Olive Garden. I barely touched my pasta because I’m trying to go carbless but I ate like three breadsticks.

Tomorrow I’m fasting. I’ll tell my dad I’m sick and just drink water all day. Nothing else.

In other news: I asked out a friend of mine & she said yes. So yay. But we were talking and I said “Besides, if I was going bulimic again I wouldn’t tell you about it.” and she said “I know. Because I’d beat you.” More people to keep a secret from. Awesome.

They upped my dosage and its making me hallucinate worse than usual. AND I read that weight gain is a side affect of it. Awesome x2.

I’m just in a really foul mood. I’ll post some thinspo and smoke a few cigarettes and hope for the best, I guess.

Stay strong, think thin xoxo.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

getting back to buisness day 3

Weight: 135 (this morning)

I got through the day drinking just water & then ate a little bit (less than 400 cals) of Hamburger Helper, made with turkey instead of beef and lima beans. I put it in a mug rather than a bowl (for a smaller portion) and chewed each bite 30 times.

I also found out that my friend who’s out of the country doesn’t come back on the sixteenth. So I’ve got sixteen days to lose ten pounds to meet my goal. Its possible.

Gotta kick it into high gear. Think thin, stay strong. xoxo

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

can't stop progress

Weight: 136

I woke up at four am and broke fast. Two slices of leftover pizza from last night & a coke. But I just got back from power-walking a half mile for each slice & I sweat enough to have burned them off. Once I’ve posted this, I’m going to take a freezing shower and try to move around as much as possible before my doctor’s appointment.

A weird thing happened on my walk. When I start to get tired, I usually put my hands on my hips and slow down a little. Today when I did it, I felt smaller. I think it was because usually I wear a tshirt and today I was wearing just a hoodie, but it still felt good. So I plan on liquid fasting again today. The only problem is the appointment. Its not just a regular doctor; it’s the psychologist. Every time we go to the psychologist, my mom and I stop at Jack in the Box on the way home. Its always just how its been. I don’t know why. But I have to try to find a way out of it today. Maybe I’ll just get a milkshake or something and then drink nothing but water for the rest of the day.

I’ve read 100 pages of Stick Figure and its keeping me inspired. If you haven’t read it, you should! When I finish, I’m going to reread Wasted and then reread Skinny. Staying thinspired. :)

Think thin, stay strong xoxo

Monday, July 12, 2010

My original goal was to liquid fast until 1am. Its 10:50pm and I haven’t wavered yet. Its been hard, but I guess the first day back into it always is. Hopefully I can get some sleep and wake up feeling fine. Although my stomach is screaming at me, in my mind I have absolutely NO desire to eat. Its depressing because I used to be able to fast for days without any problems. Once I get back into the swing of things, I’m not giving up again. Not til I’m thin enough.

So far today I’ve had cranberry juice, green tea, & two cream sodas. Not sure about the calorie content but its no solid food which has to count for something. Plus, green tea is zero cals. So snaps for that.

Funny story: Silas texted me last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I honestly didn’t know I was gay when I dated him, but I should have. He would literally have to beg me to peck him on the mouth. We never held hands or made out. So many clues looking back on it. Whatever. Anyway, so after talking to him last night I honestly have no idea what I was doing last year. Honestly. He’s so pathetic. I can’t even believe he of all people is the one who made me give up thinness. Ugh.

I’m done with assholes & dumb bitches. I’m just going to eat, sleep, and breathe Ana and not give two fucks about anything or anyone else. HELLO!

Think thin, stay strong. xoxoxo

smooth sailing.

Its dinnertime. Pizza. & I’m not even phased. I pulled the pizza out of the oven and I stared at it and smelled it and I didn’t even want a slice. :D. The fast has been successful so far. I’ve had a mug of cranberry juice, a cup of green tea, & I’m drinking some cream soda right now. My stomach’s been growling for hours and it feels empty and wonderful. I love being empty.

I was watching DeGrassi today and it was the two part episode about Emma’s eating disorder. So thinspiring. I’m also rereading Stick Figure. I’m hoping that I’ll be inspired enough to fast all week. I guess we’ll see how it goes.

I also got a new texting buddy! :D I’m always looking for more, so if you’re ever interested shoot me an email at Or just message me on facebook, if we’re friends. If not add me (:

So far fasting is going great. I hope you guys are doing well too. Think thin, stay strong xoxo.

Day 1 of Getting Back to Buisness

Weight: 137 lbs.

Well shit. I’m exactly where I started off last week; closer to 140 than 130. Fuck. I imported all the posts from the old blog & I’ve been reading them all night. I was so good back then. What the fuck happened?

Liquids only today. No exceptions. Liquids only until I’m under 126. I know its possible. I used to liquid fast all the time. It takes 3 days to build a habit. This is day one. Do any of you know some good low cal drinks? I’m allergic to aspartame, so I can’t drink diet coke which sucks because diet coke is like THE ana beverage. Pretty much all I have is water, tea, coffee, & cranberry juice right now. I guess I’ll just go off of that for now.

I’m declaring this fast The Getting Back To Business Fast. Rules for The Getting Back to Business Fast:

• Liquids only (obviously)
• Every other day have a cup of plain chicken broth
• Smoothies do not count as a liquid
• Stay under 300 cals a day

After reading all my posts from Fat is Not an Option, I know I can last four days without eating. Surely I can be down to 126 lbs by then. Surely.

Think thin, lovelies. Stay strong! xoxo

getting my head in the game

6:40 am. She’s about to leave for work, which means I can weigh in and see how much damage was done. I just hope its not over 135 again. When I started my ana journey I was 126 lbs. I’ll feel like a failure until I’m under that.

I’m going to try to eat as little as possible today. I want try my first legit fast since I came back. Nothing but liquids until six am tomorrow. Wish me luck!



god, i can't wait to be thin.


Today sucked. I ate three pieces of leftover pizza and some cookies and didn’t work out AT ALL. And I can’t use the scale until tomorrow morning. God damn it. FUCK.

I’m so upset right now. I just can’t believe I fucked up after only three days. Fuck.

I’m about to post some thinspo to help my mind get back on track.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

fail fail fail.

My internet was being jank yesterday & wouldn't let me post. So here's yesterday's:

I went to subway’s website and found that a six inch turkey is 280 cals. Not as bad as I was thinking. I also used my mom’s scale (I’ve been using a different one) and said I was 136. I honestly can’t believe after last night’s workout, any scale would tell me I’m UP A FUCKING pound from yesterday. Honestly. There’s no fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY. Ugh. So much for freezing myself.

I feel like its time to make a new plan. Not that I ever really had a set plan or anything, I just kinda eat soup when I’m really hungry or can’t get out of food and drink lots of fluids. But I came up with a plan on my walk last night & I’m going to try it out for a week or two, just to see how it works.

Mondays, Wednesdays, & Fridays = vegan days. Strict vegan diet (no meat, dairy, poultry, etc).
Tuesdays & Thursdays = no carb days. (no bread, pasta, cereal, etc)
Saturdays and Sundays = liquids only days (this includes soups and smoothies)

I’ll try to stay around 300 cals every day and getting over 450 is absolutely unacceptable.

I also need to find new ways to burn calories. The power-walking thing is giving me shin splints. What do you guys do for workouts? I have a bad knee so I can’t run very often. I can’t swim, so that’s a no go for the time being. Reading other blogs, that’s what I see most anas do. I don’t know.

I’m just really disappointed about the scale. Fuck.


So here's the deal about the scale sitch. My bathroom is pretty much the hallway between my & (to save us all some time and confusion, we’ll just call her my) sister’s room. We used to have a scale in our bathroom, but she moved it back into her room & I can only use it when she’s not home. She works Mon-Fri, 8-4, so its easy to just walk in, take it out, weigh myself & put it back during the week. But the weekends aren’t as easy, & that’s always when I need it the most. Siiigh.

So yesterday was a fail. My friend came over and we ordered pizza. As we were ordering I thought to myself “Fuck. This will stop my progress. Fuck.” But she was super hungry and it was too late to be like “oh, nevermind.” Without her asking questions and I couldn’t think of any legit excuses. So we ordered. & I was planning on eating one slice. Easy. It’d be simple to burn off & I could just skip my one allotted meal the next day. No biggie. But then the pizza came. Mushrooms & pineapple (my absolute favorite) and mushrooms and pepperoni + an order of those chicken things Domino’s has. The smell entered my nose & I felt like a completely different person. I chomp chomp chomped my way through the first slice & piece of chicken. Took a sip of Pepsi. Before I knew what I was doing I was in the middle of my third slice. Then my dad came in to give my cat some food and found my weed. “We’ll talk about this later.” He said angrily before walking out. And that’s when the stress eating began. I don’t even know how much I ate but I know it was a lot. More than allowed. More than necessary.

At around 1am I wanted an Icee. So I scrounged up my change from the pizza and headed out the door to the gas station that’s pretty close to my house. The walk there has to be around two miles. And I walked it to and from. Which is four miles. But I wasn’t power-walking or jogging, just regular walking. I don’t know if that burned anything or not.

I can’t weigh myself, except with my mom’s scale, but I don’t trust that scale. I woke up extremely hungry this afternoon. EXTREMELY. My stomach looks bigger but maybe I’m just imagining things. I don’t know. I’m going to eat some grapes & nothing else. Tomorrow will be just a fruit day too.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well. And one social interaction ruined it. I didn’t want to have to ever say this but I guess I’m left with no choice. Its time to burn bridges and become a loner. I can’t risk being faced with food every week. I have goals to meet. I’ll get all my friends back when I’m thin. But until that day, my only friends will be the scale & my hunger pains.

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

Saturday, July 10, 2010


I couldn’t weigh myself this morning, fml.
So I don’t know how much I lost or if I lost any at all.

And I had a six inch turkey (with swiss, mustard, & pickles) from Subway and a few chips with a root beer for lunch, idk how many calories that is.



Ah, insomnia. I’ll just use this time to blog, since I’ve got nothing else to do.

I did it. I walked the street up and down six times. By the fifth time, I was weak in the knees and I felt like I was going to vomit (unintentionally) but when I bent down with my hands on my knees and closed my eyes all I could see was those red numbers on the scale reading: 129. Reaching the 120s is my goal this week and that visualization gave me just the boost I needed to finish. I got home and got in a freezing shower while chugging a bottle of water that I had put in the freezer when I went to walk. Maybe it’s the exhaustion from more strenuous activity than I’ve had in a long long long time, but I already feel a little lighter. The walk made me extremely hungry so I ate a few mini pickles and a stale cracker. I don’t know how many calories it was exactly but I know it was less than 50.

I really like the feeling of hunger. Even though I haven’t gotten back into LEGIT fasting, I have been taking in generally around/under 300 calories the past few days which I AM NOT used to after my month or so of fucking up and its left me really hungry. The feeling of hunger is addictive; a feeling I forgot about completely. It takes three days to form a habit and tomorrow (well, technically later today) will be day three of this soup/few carbs and walk-workout habit. I hope I stick to it.

I think I have shin splints. Whatever, the pain will be worth it when I’m thin.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying to type this post for over an hour. Fuck. I’m so sad and tired and I don’t know what to do. I better be down tomorrow.

Stay strong, ladies. ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxoxo

Friday, July 9, 2010

walking and freezing

Just got back from another power walk. The street I live on is either a mile long or a half mile long (I think its half) and I only walked it up and down twice this time. I’m going back out in a few minutes to try and walk it again as many times as possible. I just wanted to make sure I wrote again before bed and idk if I’ll have the energy afterwards.

When summer started, my goal was to reach my UG (98 lbs) before the first day of school. But I messed up and slacked for half a month. So its time to change up the goals. I have a friend who’s out of the country right now. He comes home on the 16th and I’m supposed to be at the airport when he arrives. I want to be 125 lbs by then. Its totally do-able I think. Also, school starts sometime in August. I want to be at or under 115 by the first day. This is also do-able, I think. I want to reach by UGW by New Year’s. Hello, motivation.

I don’t really know if freezing yourself works, but I’m starting it tonight. When I get back from walking I’m going to take a freezing cold shower and then turn my fan on, the AC down, take the comforter off of my bed and sleep in just a sports bra and underwear. We’ll see how it works.

Walking my street three times resulted in two pounds lost. Let’s see what walking it six times plus freezing does.

Stay strong, lovely ladies! ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

more thinspo.

that first one really inspired me. i want that kind of progress.

food log for 7/9

condensed vegitarian vegetable soup - 90 cals
ritz fresh stack - 250 cals
2 mini pickles - 5 cals
venti caramel frap from starbucks - 510 cals (:/)

things are finally looking up.

Weight: 135 lbs.

Looks like the early am power walk did the trick! I’m down two pounds and feeling inspired. If I can lose two pounds a day for the rest of the week, I’ll be back to 130 in no time. Then I’ll be back to where I started from & I can start losing significantly, :D.

I’ve already had a bottle of water and I’m about to make some tea. When the sun goes down a little bit I’m going to go for another power walk. If I can lose two pounds walking for an hour after eating three bowls of potato soup, imagine how much I can lose if I don’t eat anything and walk for longer!

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana. xoxo

thinspo :D

Its 4am and I just got in from an hour long power walk. I ate three bowls of potato soup, so I power walked (I have a bad knee so I can’t run very often) a half mile for each bowl I ate. I’m also fasting today. Liquids only until 1am tomorrow. I’m so tired. It feels wonderful. I hope I’m down tomorrow.

Plan for tomorrow is as follows:
• wake up & do ten minutes of cardio, then do 15 sit ups.
• check weight, blog, & look at thinspo.
• breakfast (black coffee or unsweetened tea)
• household chores. (laundry, clean my room, scrub my toilet/bathtub)
• start rereading Wasted.
• Wii Fit
• Walk my dog
• Whatever happens to come up.

I’m hoping that if I plan my day out, I can stick to it and not have time to be around food. So we’ll see how it goes. I have a new pack of cigarettes and enough coffee and tea to last me at least a week. I’m just going to take it a day at a time but I hope I can go a week with no/minimal eating.

I think to get in the mood for this fast, I’m going to post some thinspo.

Think thin, stay strong!

i've decided to post pictures of my self biweekly to inspire myself. hopefully looking at it will make me not want to eat. so here's week one's photos.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

food log for 7/8/10

8 fl oz of cranberry juice: cals: 40, fat cals: 0

2 mini pickles - 5 cals

2 more mini pickles - 5 cals

potato soup - no nutrition information :/

Sometimes I really just feel like giving up. That sounds more dramatic than I mean. I mean, its like this whole thing used to be so much easier than it is now. And I’m not completely back. Like, as much as I desperately want to be thin, I haven’t gotten back to the point where I’m literally scared of meals. I’m not back to the point that I’m working out nonstop and scared of not doing so. I’m not all the way in it again. So in theory, I could still get out. I could delete my ana Facebook and stop posting on this blog and eat like a normal person and attempt to be happy. Or I could sit it out and try harder and eventually get back to where I left off before I met Silas.

Part of me wants to just give it all up. I’m not losing. Its becoming harder and harder to even put forth the right effort. But then there’s the other part. The part that dreams of a thin, beautiful Pixie. The part that knows it takes 3 days to make a habit. The part that can’t stand the reflection in the mirror & has to shower with the lights off because she absolutely cannot stand to see her fat, ugly self. The part that knows all the tips and tricks. The part that no matter what, makes time to talk to her extremely helpful ana texting buddy ( As I’m sitting here typing this, I want to pull this Pixie from out of the shadows. I want to wake her up from her slumber and kick her ass into high gear. But typing motivational words and acting on them are two completely things.

I woke up 137 lbs today. 137. I had over 770 calories yesterday & I didn’t work out at all. I could sit here and say that its not my fault; that my dad brought me the McDonalds, but he didn’t shove it down my throat. And I didn’t do anything yesterday. I sat inside ALL DAY. I’m beginning to realize that when I started this the first time, I was 120 pounds. It was easier to lose then; I didn’t have to work as much. It just really hit me that if I want this, I’m going to have to really work for it. Its not a matter of picking the healthier choice and only eating half of it anymore. Its going to require intense fasting, hard workouts, & lots of self motivation. Its time to start taking responsibility for MY actions. I can’t blame my eating on my parents all the time, because half the time it isn’t even their fault. I’m not skinny enough for people to beg me to eat yet. So until that happens, I’ve got to watch out for myself. Do this on my own. Stop depending on other people to motivate and thinspire me.

On a side note, yesterday I had a BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT: I looked in the mirror at my stomach and thought to myself, “its really not as bad as it could be.” This is completely irrelevant, but it felt important at the time. Anyways.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ll either make coffee or a smoothie when I’m done typing this, probably. Its currently 86 degrees outside, so I think I’m going to wait until late afternoon to go jog. In the meantime, I’ll try to move as much as possible; burn as many calories as I can.

I know I said I’d be logging my food on here, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m really going to do it though. Starting today. And I’m going to try to blog every day, sometimes maybe even multiple times a day. I’m also going to make my phone wallpaper something thinspirational & put little motivational somethings around my room. I might not be ana again just yet, but making pro-ana my life again is a step in the right direction.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My mom hid the scale again. Fuck. So I don’t know how much I’ve gained. I’ll search around for it tomorrow while she’s at work, I guess.

There really isn’t much to update. I ate dinner at a friend’s house for a fourth of July barbeque, and then three meals the next day. So its time to fast. For real. I cancelled all of my plans for the next three days. Not a piece of food will enter my mouth & if it does, it will be chewed and spat. Gotta get down before this weekend or I will lose my mind.

The other day when I was in the shower, I sucked in my stomach and just stared at it. When my stomach is flat without me having to suck it in, I will be the happiest girl in the world. I dream about it at night. Its almost unhealthy. Fuck it, it is unhealthy. Its all I think about. I want it so badly.

Three days. Just liquids. Lots of exercise. I’ll do it.

Also, starting tomorrow (well, technically later today. Its five am, I just havent been to bed) I’ll be logging my food intake daily. I feel like if I see how much I eat throughout a normal day, it’ll compel me to eat less and eventually be more. <3.

Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fast didn’t exactly work as planned. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been & I do have hunger pains right now, so I’ve got something to go off of. I learned today that people are my weakness. That’s what always stops my progress; going out with friends. It usually happens before I even know it has. I’ll just suddenly realize that I’ve been eating normally just to “fit in” and not raise any eyebrows. I realized that in order to make progress and reach my goals, I’m going to have to become a loner. Which won’t be hard to do, considering the fact that I really already am a loner. I have about three real friends and a bunch of acquaintances. I’m not too far off.

Its currently 3:11 am. (any 311 fans out there?) Since I don’t have any plans with friends today, I’m going to fast until 3:30 am tomorrow. Liquids only. I’m a caffeine junkie and I’m addicted to Pepsi. I usually drink like three a day. In a 12 oz can of Pepsi, there’s 150 cals, 0g of fat, & 41g of sugar. Multiply that by three and that makes 450 cals, 0g of fat, & 123g of sugar a day in liquids alone. I know its going to be ridiculously hard, but I’m going to have to cut back on my Pepsi intake. I’m going to have to replace it with water, tea, & coffee. I think THAT’S going to be tougher than not eating, honestly. I just have to remind myself that it’ll be worth it that glorious morning I step on the scale and the red numbers flash: 98. Ambition.

Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. These are the things I want to see thinner. I just have to chant that in my head during the day. “Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face.”

I really hate being fat. I really hate it. I feel bad for hating it because I honestly can’t stand the way society wants girls to hate their bodies and I am all for “sticking it to the man” and doing the opposite of what’s popular or in, but I can’t help it. I honestly hate my body. Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I haven’t seen THE world, I only know mine. And the one thing I want to change about my world is hating the reflection in the mirror. So I’m changing it. Plain and simple.

Stay strong, ladies and germs. ThinkLiveLove Ana.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

i'm baaaaaack.

so, i'm doing a 24 hour liquid fast for the first time in months. i've been doing semi-minimal eating for the past couple of days, and it hasn't really done anything at all. i'm at 135 lbs right now which is bittersweet because it is down from earlier this week but at the same time, its almost twenty pounds over how much i was this time last year. so, i'm hoping this fast will give me some clarity and some motivation.

good news is, most of the time my new meds actually do suppress my apetite.

and now for the current drama in my life, since i have no where else to blog about it.

i'm gay. i've known for a while now but at first, i hated it. i was raised around gay people, and i have absolutely no problem with it but i just wanted to be "normal." i wanted to be like all the other girls and dream of a wedding and blah blah blah but when i realized that i'm gay and won't have that, it kind of crushed me. so i kept it secret for a long time; the only person that knew was the girl i was in love with.

but recently (within the last few months), i started coming out to my friends and eventually my mom. she was totally fine with it. but my dad's been out of town and he just got back to find his daughter with a mohawk. his immediate response was "so how many times have you been asked if you're coming out?" he didn't say it with a smile or a laugh, and didnt even look me in the eye when he said it, so i didnt know how to respond.

i'm scared of him. i really am. and i'm scared of what would happen if he found out. so i'm not ready to tell him. but how long can a person go with one parent knowing something like that and the other one not knowing? the whole thing is stressing me out, but i guess that's good because i'm stressed, my stomach aches and when my stomach aches, i can't eat. so i guess ana is looking out for me, after all.

so there's that. and that's pretty much everything that's going on in my "real life." now back to my ana life.

i need to make a new plan; make some new rules and set up a goal system. obviously what i've been doing isn't working because i've failed like three or four times. so time to get back to the drawing board.

i'm currently at 135 lbs. which makes the total of weight i want to lose 37 pounds. during what i call my "successful summer" i lost 35 pounds, so i know its possible. the problem is, i didnt do anything structured that summer. i didnt even know what pro ana was back then. so i dont really remember what i did to lose that weight. so i'm pretty much starting from scratch.

the hunger just started kicking in. stomach's growling. i can't help but smile.

anyways. i think i'm going to try liquid fasting every other day for a couple of weeks and see what kind of results i get. and on the days that i do eat, i'll pretty much try to stay within the limits of the rules i set and the safe foods on my safe foods list. and i need to figure out a new work out plan. okay.

new rules for eating:

  • eat only every other day

  • only drink one or less soft drink a day unless its replacing a meal

  • never eat anything bigger than fist

  • chew each bite thirty times

  • never finish everything on the plate

  • brush teeth/rinse mouth with mouthwash before and after every meal

  • don't eat after six

at first i'm leaving them pretty vague and easy to follow. i'm hoping that toward mid/end of july, i'll be used to it and will be able to get more strict.

alright. here we go.