Sunday, May 23, 2010


I woke up at 132 pounds this morning. I keep having to remind myself that it may not be lowest weight, but it is lower than yesterday. Gotta win the little battles before the entire war, in the words of Nikki. :) There is so much say about the past 24 hours. I guess I should just start from the beginning.

For those of you who didn't read my other blog, I had a boy. Not a boyfriend, not even an "almost-gunna-be-boyfriend" type thing. He was an ex, and we seemingly still had feelings for each other. We're going to call him Silas. I met Silas in the ninth grade. It was around October. By November, we liked each other and it was obvious to everyone except us. We kept "talking" for seven months. March 30, 2009, we officially started dating. He knew from pretty much the very beginning that I toed the line of Ana and Mia. And he hated it. I mean, really hated it. We made an agreement that he wouldn't smoke pot (this was before I became the lovable stoner I am now) and I'd keep my food down. That's what the deal was and I planned to keep my end of it. After all, you can't throw up what you didn't eat. Needless to say, he found out that I wasn't eating and got pissed. He yelled about how hard it was for him to quit smoking and I was just sitting around looking for loopholes in the deal. And he kept up the act for a long time. Long after I'd found out he never quit smoking the green. The fact that he continued to try to make me feel like shit after he didn't even keep is end of the deal should have been my sign to walk away. But I didn't and by March, we were together. Somehow, by the grace of God, he convinced me to stop. I was eating "normal" sized meals and keeping them down. Letting the numbers on the scale climb higher and higher. And he would say how proud he was of me. And it made me happy. So I kept it up. Until June when we broke up. I know break ups happen to people all the time but it doesn't suck any less when it happens to you. He said "I want us to still be friends. Like close. Like we were before we started dating." Of course, that didn't happen. I didn't see him again until school started, with the exception of one time at a show. And even then we didn't get on friendly terms again until right before he left for boot camp. Now, he's at boot camp and we occasionally write letters. Some of them seeming like the "us" thing was going to happen again.

Pause. As all of this is going on, I am also envolved with someone else. Yes, I know that makes me a "cheater" and whatnot. But its really not how it sounds. She was my best friend (and in all fairness, she was there first). And I just happened to fall in love with her. At first it was innocent. I loved her, she had feelings for me and we flirted. It wasn't any big deal, we were the best of friends, after all. Inseperable. Codependent. And then one night, we got "drunk" and erm.. expressed our love physically. And it just got bad after that. I was torn between the two. I know it sounds bad. But one was my sweet, loving, caring, best friend and one was just some boy who lied to me all the time and told me to die in a puddle of my own bile when he got mad. And I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up. I'll go into detail about that in a later post. But Skye (Did I already mention that we're calling her Skye?) was the only person who knew how to handle me when I got in a bad way. I know it was a selfish thing for me to do and I do regret it, but at the time it seemed like the only way. Mardi Gras weekend, Skye went on a church retreat that she was forced to go to. While she was there, she got "saved" and devoted her life to Christ. Which of course means no homosexuality. So she erased me from her life. No goodbye, no explanation, nothing. She deleted me from Facebook & Myspace, stopped following me on Twitter, and blocked my number. And just like that, she was gone.

Fast forward to the present. Last night I went to the mall with a friend. And guess who I run into not five minutes after being there? Silas. He's back on a weekend leave. Or was. He left at seven this morning. Regardless, I'm finally face to face with him after five months of letter writing. We had a casual conversation and he went back to the people he came with. Then, about twenty minutes later guess who I run into? If you guessed Skye, you are a winner. Needless to say, it was awkward. She gave me a hug and we attempted causal conversation, then she went inside. (We had been standing by the stores outside of the mall) And as I watched her walk away, I started to cry. My friends asked what was up and I told them the whole story and by the time I had finished, she had texted a boy I was with saying "Hey, do you know where Pixie is?" he told her that he was with me & she asked us to meet her. So we did.

I sat next to her in the food court and started talking. We were having a friendly conversation when Silas walked up and sat on the other side. So, here I am sitting between Skye, who I'm still in love with and Silas, who I'm not ready to let go of yet. If you think it was anything but awkward, you are sadly mistaken, my friend.

Skye left. I asked her if there was a chance that we would ever be friends again and she said "I really hope so. Its not up to me." And she hugged me and walked away. Later that night, Silas and I were texting and he came clean. He had been seeing someone else this whole time we've been writing letters and such. So I told him about Skye. And he got pissed. I mean, we eventually apologized and we're on friendly terms now but it doesn't change the fucked up-ness of this whole thing.

So now I'm alone. Completely. And I don't know if I'm gay (which I'm pretttty sure I am), bi, straight, or what. Or what I'm doing. All I really know is: the next time I see either one of them, I want to scary skinny. I want them to know that I'm better off without them, even if I'm not.

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