Saturday, July 3, 2010

i'm baaaaaack.

so, i'm doing a 24 hour liquid fast for the first time in months. i've been doing semi-minimal eating for the past couple of days, and it hasn't really done anything at all. i'm at 135 lbs right now which is bittersweet because it is down from earlier this week but at the same time, its almost twenty pounds over how much i was this time last year. so, i'm hoping this fast will give me some clarity and some motivation.

good news is, most of the time my new meds actually do suppress my apetite.

and now for the current drama in my life, since i have no where else to blog about it.

i'm gay. i've known for a while now but at first, i hated it. i was raised around gay people, and i have absolutely no problem with it but i just wanted to be "normal." i wanted to be like all the other girls and dream of a wedding and blah blah blah but when i realized that i'm gay and won't have that, it kind of crushed me. so i kept it secret for a long time; the only person that knew was the girl i was in love with.

but recently (within the last few months), i started coming out to my friends and eventually my mom. she was totally fine with it. but my dad's been out of town and he just got back to find his daughter with a mohawk. his immediate response was "so how many times have you been asked if you're coming out?" he didn't say it with a smile or a laugh, and didnt even look me in the eye when he said it, so i didnt know how to respond.

i'm scared of him. i really am. and i'm scared of what would happen if he found out. so i'm not ready to tell him. but how long can a person go with one parent knowing something like that and the other one not knowing? the whole thing is stressing me out, but i guess that's good because i'm stressed, my stomach aches and when my stomach aches, i can't eat. so i guess ana is looking out for me, after all.

so there's that. and that's pretty much everything that's going on in my "real life." now back to my ana life.

i need to make a new plan; make some new rules and set up a goal system. obviously what i've been doing isn't working because i've failed like three or four times. so time to get back to the drawing board.

i'm currently at 135 lbs. which makes the total of weight i want to lose 37 pounds. during what i call my "successful summer" i lost 35 pounds, so i know its possible. the problem is, i didnt do anything structured that summer. i didnt even know what pro ana was back then. so i dont really remember what i did to lose that weight. so i'm pretty much starting from scratch.

the hunger just started kicking in. stomach's growling. i can't help but smile.

anyways. i think i'm going to try liquid fasting every other day for a couple of weeks and see what kind of results i get. and on the days that i do eat, i'll pretty much try to stay within the limits of the rules i set and the safe foods on my safe foods list. and i need to figure out a new work out plan. okay.

new rules for eating:

  • eat only every other day

  • only drink one or less soft drink a day unless its replacing a meal

  • never eat anything bigger than fist

  • chew each bite thirty times

  • never finish everything on the plate

  • brush teeth/rinse mouth with mouthwash before and after every meal

  • don't eat after six

at first i'm leaving them pretty vague and easy to follow. i'm hoping that toward mid/end of july, i'll be used to it and will be able to get more strict.

alright. here we go.

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