Monday, September 28, 2009

Being Honest With Myself.

I guess before I begin fasting again after this horrible experience today, I should give myself some kind of motivation other than pictures of girls I wish to someday resemble. So here goes my attempt at that.

-BOTH of my best friends have told me that I will never be skinny. Well fuck you both, you'll be sorry when I'm a happy, walking skeleton.

-I'm absolutely sick of listening to my dad talk about how skinny my friends are. "She really should eat a sandwich.." "Gahhh, she's soo skinny!" etc.

-I have this feeling that I'm most of my friends' "fat friend". Yknow, the one that they bring along places to make themselves seem skinnier, prettier. Fuck that shit, its a thing of the past.

-At school, people always touch my stomach. I guess its supposed to be synonymous with a hug or something of that sentiment, but all I'm getting out of it is: my stomach is poking out so far that people feel the need to touch it.

-Back when I was flirting dangerously with Ana and wanted help, one of my teachers confronted me and said, "Well your friend, "K", is much thinner than you." Well now that I want the exact opposite of getting better, we'll see how long that lasts.

-I was doing so well until I got involved with "C". He convinced me (how he managed to do so, I have NO clue) that I should stop & I did. Then he broke up with me, hasn't talked to me since & now I'm in the 120's again. NOT HAPPENING AGAIN. No one can stop me this time.

-Most fat girls get the whole "You have such a pretty face" bullshit thrown at them constantly. I guess I'm so bad off that I don't even get that. So I have to perfect my body to the point that I catch people off-guard, make them take a second glance.

I will be 98lbs in the end. I'll get thin or die trying.

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