2 mini pickles - 5 cals
2 more mini pickles - 5 cals
potato soup - no nutrition information :/
Thursday, July 8, 2010
food log for 7/8/10
8 fl oz of cranberry juice: cals: 40, fat cals: 0
Sometimes I really just feel like giving up. That sounds more dramatic than I mean. I mean, its like this whole thing used to be so much easier than it is now. And I’m not completely back. Like, as much as I desperately want to be thin, I haven’t gotten back to the point where I’m literally scared of meals. I’m not back to the point that I’m working out nonstop and scared of not doing so. I’m not all the way in it again. So in theory, I could still get out. I could delete my ana Facebook and stop posting on this blog and eat like a normal person and attempt to be happy. Or I could sit it out and try harder and eventually get back to where I left off before I met Silas.
Part of me wants to just give it all up. I’m not losing. Its becoming harder and harder to even put forth the right effort. But then there’s the other part. The part that dreams of a thin, beautiful Pixie. The part that knows it takes 3 days to make a habit. The part that can’t stand the reflection in the mirror & has to shower with the lights off because she absolutely cannot stand to see her fat, ugly self. The part that knows all the tips and tricks. The part that no matter what, makes time to talk to her extremely helpful ana texting buddy (http://letters-from-ana.blogspot.com/). As I’m sitting here typing this, I want to pull this Pixie from out of the shadows. I want to wake her up from her slumber and kick her ass into high gear. But typing motivational words and acting on them are two completely things.
I woke up 137 lbs today. 137. I had over 770 calories yesterday & I didn’t work out at all. I could sit here and say that its not my fault; that my dad brought me the McDonalds, but he didn’t shove it down my throat. And I didn’t do anything yesterday. I sat inside ALL DAY. I’m beginning to realize that when I started this the first time, I was 120 pounds. It was easier to lose then; I didn’t have to work as much. It just really hit me that if I want this, I’m going to have to really work for it. Its not a matter of picking the healthier choice and only eating half of it anymore. Its going to require intense fasting, hard workouts, & lots of self motivation. Its time to start taking responsibility for MY actions. I can’t blame my eating on my parents all the time, because half the time it isn’t even their fault. I’m not skinny enough for people to beg me to eat yet. So until that happens, I’ve got to watch out for myself. Do this on my own. Stop depending on other people to motivate and thinspire me.
On a side note, yesterday I had a BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT: I looked in the mirror at my stomach and thought to myself, “its really not as bad as it could be.” This is completely irrelevant, but it felt important at the time. Anyways.
I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ll either make coffee or a smoothie when I’m done typing this, probably. Its currently 86 degrees outside, so I think I’m going to wait until late afternoon to go jog. In the meantime, I’ll try to move as much as possible; burn as many calories as I can.
I know I said I’d be logging my food on here, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m really going to do it though. Starting today. And I’m going to try to blog every day, sometimes maybe even multiple times a day. I’m also going to make my phone wallpaper something thinspirational & put little motivational somethings around my room. I might not be ana again just yet, but making pro-ana my life again is a step in the right direction.
Part of me wants to just give it all up. I’m not losing. Its becoming harder and harder to even put forth the right effort. But then there’s the other part. The part that dreams of a thin, beautiful Pixie. The part that knows it takes 3 days to make a habit. The part that can’t stand the reflection in the mirror & has to shower with the lights off because she absolutely cannot stand to see her fat, ugly self. The part that knows all the tips and tricks. The part that no matter what, makes time to talk to her extremely helpful ana texting buddy (http://letters-from-ana.blogspot.com/). As I’m sitting here typing this, I want to pull this Pixie from out of the shadows. I want to wake her up from her slumber and kick her ass into high gear. But typing motivational words and acting on them are two completely things.
I woke up 137 lbs today. 137. I had over 770 calories yesterday & I didn’t work out at all. I could sit here and say that its not my fault; that my dad brought me the McDonalds, but he didn’t shove it down my throat. And I didn’t do anything yesterday. I sat inside ALL DAY. I’m beginning to realize that when I started this the first time, I was 120 pounds. It was easier to lose then; I didn’t have to work as much. It just really hit me that if I want this, I’m going to have to really work for it. Its not a matter of picking the healthier choice and only eating half of it anymore. Its going to require intense fasting, hard workouts, & lots of self motivation. Its time to start taking responsibility for MY actions. I can’t blame my eating on my parents all the time, because half the time it isn’t even their fault. I’m not skinny enough for people to beg me to eat yet. So until that happens, I’ve got to watch out for myself. Do this on my own. Stop depending on other people to motivate and thinspire me.
On a side note, yesterday I had a BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT: I looked in the mirror at my stomach and thought to myself, “its really not as bad as it could be.” This is completely irrelevant, but it felt important at the time. Anyways.
I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I haven’t eaten anything yet and I’m going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible. I’ll either make coffee or a smoothie when I’m done typing this, probably. Its currently 86 degrees outside, so I think I’m going to wait until late afternoon to go jog. In the meantime, I’ll try to move as much as possible; burn as many calories as I can.
I know I said I’d be logging my food on here, but I haven’t done it yet. I’m really going to do it though. Starting today. And I’m going to try to blog every day, sometimes maybe even multiple times a day. I’m also going to make my phone wallpaper something thinspirational & put little motivational somethings around my room. I might not be ana again just yet, but making pro-ana my life again is a step in the right direction.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My mom hid the scale again. Fuck. So I don’t know how much I’ve gained. I’ll search around for it tomorrow while she’s at work, I guess.
There really isn’t much to update. I ate dinner at a friend’s house for a fourth of July barbeque, and then three meals the next day. So its time to fast. For real. I cancelled all of my plans for the next three days. Not a piece of food will enter my mouth & if it does, it will be chewed and spat. Gotta get down before this weekend or I will lose my mind.
The other day when I was in the shower, I sucked in my stomach and just stared at it. When my stomach is flat without me having to suck it in, I will be the happiest girl in the world. I dream about it at night. Its almost unhealthy. Fuck it, it is unhealthy. Its all I think about. I want it so badly.
Three days. Just liquids. Lots of exercise. I’ll do it.
Also, starting tomorrow (well, technically later today. Its five am, I just havent been to bed) I’ll be logging my food intake daily. I feel like if I see how much I eat throughout a normal day, it’ll compel me to eat less and eventually be more. <3.
Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana.
There really isn’t much to update. I ate dinner at a friend’s house for a fourth of July barbeque, and then three meals the next day. So its time to fast. For real. I cancelled all of my plans for the next three days. Not a piece of food will enter my mouth & if it does, it will be chewed and spat. Gotta get down before this weekend or I will lose my mind.
The other day when I was in the shower, I sucked in my stomach and just stared at it. When my stomach is flat without me having to suck it in, I will be the happiest girl in the world. I dream about it at night. Its almost unhealthy. Fuck it, it is unhealthy. Its all I think about. I want it so badly.
Three days. Just liquids. Lots of exercise. I’ll do it.
Also, starting tomorrow (well, technically later today. Its five am, I just havent been to bed) I’ll be logging my food intake daily. I feel like if I see how much I eat throughout a normal day, it’ll compel me to eat less and eventually be more. <3.
Stay strong, ThinkLiveLove Ana.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Fast didn’t exactly work as planned. It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been & I do have hunger pains right now, so I’ve got something to go off of. I learned today that people are my weakness. That’s what always stops my progress; going out with friends. It usually happens before I even know it has. I’ll just suddenly realize that I’ve been eating normally just to “fit in” and not raise any eyebrows. I realized that in order to make progress and reach my goals, I’m going to have to become a loner. Which won’t be hard to do, considering the fact that I really already am a loner. I have about three real friends and a bunch of acquaintances. I’m not too far off.
Its currently 3:11 am. (any 311 fans out there?) Since I don’t have any plans with friends today, I’m going to fast until 3:30 am tomorrow. Liquids only. I’m a caffeine junkie and I’m addicted to Pepsi. I usually drink like three a day. In a 12 oz can of Pepsi, there’s 150 cals, 0g of fat, & 41g of sugar. Multiply that by three and that makes 450 cals, 0g of fat, & 123g of sugar a day in liquids alone. I know its going to be ridiculously hard, but I’m going to have to cut back on my Pepsi intake. I’m going to have to replace it with water, tea, & coffee. I think THAT’S going to be tougher than not eating, honestly. I just have to remind myself that it’ll be worth it that glorious morning I step on the scale and the red numbers flash: 98. Ambition.
Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. These are the things I want to see thinner. I just have to chant that in my head during the day. “Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face.”
I really hate being fat. I really hate it. I feel bad for hating it because I honestly can’t stand the way society wants girls to hate their bodies and I am all for “sticking it to the man” and doing the opposite of what’s popular or in, but I can’t help it. I honestly hate my body. Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I haven’t seen THE world, I only know mine. And the one thing I want to change about my world is hating the reflection in the mirror. So I’m changing it. Plain and simple.
Stay strong, ladies and germs. ThinkLiveLove Ana.
Its currently 3:11 am. (any 311 fans out there?) Since I don’t have any plans with friends today, I’m going to fast until 3:30 am tomorrow. Liquids only. I’m a caffeine junkie and I’m addicted to Pepsi. I usually drink like three a day. In a 12 oz can of Pepsi, there’s 150 cals, 0g of fat, & 41g of sugar. Multiply that by three and that makes 450 cals, 0g of fat, & 123g of sugar a day in liquids alone. I know its going to be ridiculously hard, but I’m going to have to cut back on my Pepsi intake. I’m going to have to replace it with water, tea, & coffee. I think THAT’S going to be tougher than not eating, honestly. I just have to remind myself that it’ll be worth it that glorious morning I step on the scale and the red numbers flash: 98. Ambition.
Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. These are the things I want to see thinner. I just have to chant that in my head during the day. “Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face. Stomach. Thighs. Arms. Face.”
I really hate being fat. I really hate it. I feel bad for hating it because I honestly can’t stand the way society wants girls to hate their bodies and I am all for “sticking it to the man” and doing the opposite of what’s popular or in, but I can’t help it. I honestly hate my body. Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I haven’t seen THE world, I only know mine. And the one thing I want to change about my world is hating the reflection in the mirror. So I’m changing it. Plain and simple.
Stay strong, ladies and germs. ThinkLiveLove Ana.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
i'm baaaaaack.
so, i'm doing a 24 hour liquid fast for the first time in months. i've been doing semi-minimal eating for the past couple of days, and it hasn't really done anything at all. i'm at 135 lbs right now which is bittersweet because it is down from earlier this week but at the same time, its almost twenty pounds over how much i was this time last year. so, i'm hoping this fast will give me some clarity and some motivation.
good news is, most of the time my new meds actually do suppress my apetite.
and now for the current drama in my life, since i have no where else to blog about it.
i'm gay. i've known for a while now but at first, i hated it. i was raised around gay people, and i have absolutely no problem with it but i just wanted to be "normal." i wanted to be like all the other girls and dream of a wedding and blah blah blah but when i realized that i'm gay and won't have that, it kind of crushed me. so i kept it secret for a long time; the only person that knew was the girl i was in love with.
but recently (within the last few months), i started coming out to my friends and eventually my mom. she was totally fine with it. but my dad's been out of town and he just got back to find his daughter with a mohawk. his immediate response was "so how many times have you been asked if you're coming out?" he didn't say it with a smile or a laugh, and didnt even look me in the eye when he said it, so i didnt know how to respond.
i'm scared of him. i really am. and i'm scared of what would happen if he found out. so i'm not ready to tell him. but how long can a person go with one parent knowing something like that and the other one not knowing? the whole thing is stressing me out, but i guess that's good because i'm stressed, my stomach aches and when my stomach aches, i can't eat. so i guess ana is looking out for me, after all.
so there's that. and that's pretty much everything that's going on in my "real life." now back to my ana life.
i need to make a new plan; make some new rules and set up a goal system. obviously what i've been doing isn't working because i've failed like three or four times. so time to get back to the drawing board.
i'm currently at 135 lbs. which makes the total of weight i want to lose 37 pounds. during what i call my "successful summer" i lost 35 pounds, so i know its possible. the problem is, i didnt do anything structured that summer. i didnt even know what pro ana was back then. so i dont really remember what i did to lose that weight. so i'm pretty much starting from scratch.
the hunger just started kicking in. stomach's growling. i can't help but smile.
anyways. i think i'm going to try liquid fasting every other day for a couple of weeks and see what kind of results i get. and on the days that i do eat, i'll pretty much try to stay within the limits of the rules i set and the safe foods on my safe foods list. and i need to figure out a new work out plan. okay.
new rules for eating:
good news is, most of the time my new meds actually do suppress my apetite.
and now for the current drama in my life, since i have no where else to blog about it.
i'm gay. i've known for a while now but at first, i hated it. i was raised around gay people, and i have absolutely no problem with it but i just wanted to be "normal." i wanted to be like all the other girls and dream of a wedding and blah blah blah but when i realized that i'm gay and won't have that, it kind of crushed me. so i kept it secret for a long time; the only person that knew was the girl i was in love with.
but recently (within the last few months), i started coming out to my friends and eventually my mom. she was totally fine with it. but my dad's been out of town and he just got back to find his daughter with a mohawk. his immediate response was "so how many times have you been asked if you're coming out?" he didn't say it with a smile or a laugh, and didnt even look me in the eye when he said it, so i didnt know how to respond.
i'm scared of him. i really am. and i'm scared of what would happen if he found out. so i'm not ready to tell him. but how long can a person go with one parent knowing something like that and the other one not knowing? the whole thing is stressing me out, but i guess that's good because i'm stressed, my stomach aches and when my stomach aches, i can't eat. so i guess ana is looking out for me, after all.
so there's that. and that's pretty much everything that's going on in my "real life." now back to my ana life.
i need to make a new plan; make some new rules and set up a goal system. obviously what i've been doing isn't working because i've failed like three or four times. so time to get back to the drawing board.
i'm currently at 135 lbs. which makes the total of weight i want to lose 37 pounds. during what i call my "successful summer" i lost 35 pounds, so i know its possible. the problem is, i didnt do anything structured that summer. i didnt even know what pro ana was back then. so i dont really remember what i did to lose that weight. so i'm pretty much starting from scratch.
the hunger just started kicking in. stomach's growling. i can't help but smile.
anyways. i think i'm going to try liquid fasting every other day for a couple of weeks and see what kind of results i get. and on the days that i do eat, i'll pretty much try to stay within the limits of the rules i set and the safe foods on my safe foods list. and i need to figure out a new work out plan. okay.
new rules for eating:
- eat only every other day
- only drink one or less soft drink a day unless its replacing a meal
- never eat anything bigger than fist
- chew each bite thirty times
- never finish everything on the plate
- brush teeth/rinse mouth with mouthwash before and after every meal
- don't eat after six
at first i'm leaving them pretty vague and easy to follow. i'm hoping that toward mid/end of july, i'll be used to it and will be able to get more strict.
alright. here we go.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I've slacked. Slacked isn't even the right word. I gave up. I always fucking do. I'm slowly trying to ease my way back into starvation. I'm down to eating one meal a day. I don't know how much I weigh. At this point, I don't care; I know its not as low as it could be.
I think part of my problem is motivation - my reasoning for doing this. I mean, there's the obvious factor: thinness. But there's also that control. I have never once started something and finished it til the end. Never. I want that to change & I want this to be that change.
I want it so bad. I can't even explain it. I'm sticking to it this time, no matter what it takes. I'm going to get re-addicted to the feeling of hunger. I'm going to relive the joy of watching the numbers plummet. I'm going to feel that amazing feeling when people beg me to eat again. I'm doing this.
I just got put on anti-depressants, so hopefully I'll be able to blame my "lack of appetite" on my medicine. Or better yet, maybe it really will knock out my appetite. Wouldn't thaaat be amazing?
I want to be boy skinny. I'm a pretty androgynous lesbian & I want to be skinny enough to be mistaken for a boy. That's my goal. 98 pounds. I can do it.
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