yesterday was bad.

bad bad bad bad. i knew it would be. my mind was completely transfixed on silas and i became completely depressed and ended up binging on macaroni and cheese & taco bell. i know, im a horrible person.

i'm honestly afraid to get on the scale. like, i know when i see it i'll lose all control. so i'm staying away from it for now. today i am water fasting, no excuses. water all day. nothing else. no matter what.


i want to drink at least three liters of water today. i will do it.

its 10am, i just woke up and im working on my first 90 fake-a-cino. i dont know what my plan is for the day. i dont know anything.i do know that today is the 30th. and that depresses me beyond belief. story time.

of course, it starts with a boy. for the sake of anonymity, we'll call him silas. silas has the most beautiful eyes i've ever known. and i told him so the first time i saw him & that is what started this year of.. this year of shenanigans. i met him in october of 08. we started liking each other in november, although we kept it from each other. by december everyone knew except us and we were dating in march of 09. march 30th to be exact. i'm not one for relationships or the whole "love" thing, but i was in love with silas. i still am in love with him. he’s a bright planet in the dark morning of my existence. somehow seeing him, even with his varied flaws, buoys me with hope. i am better for knowing him.

he knew i was disordered. and he hated it more than anything. it was the one thing in the relationship that caused problems. he would just get so mad about it. i still don't understand why. once, he even said "i dont even care anymore. go die in a puddle of your own bile and see if i give two shits." (it was back when i was just puking.) it killed me that it hurt him. so eventually, i stopped. i gained of course, but in my mind it didnt matter because i was finally with the boy i had spent all school year waiting for. but then he broke up with me. i was fat, alone, depressed, fat, confused, pissed off, and fat. so what's the first thing i did? yup! puked my guts out.

we had gone from texting each other from the moment we woke up, until the moment we fell asleep every day to not talking at all. and i was doing well. without the guilt of hurting him, i was free to starve and puke as i pleased. and then school started and i had to see him in the halls everyday. it was hard seeing him and not being able to hug or at least acknowledge him. eventually, we started talking again. and then he got sent to boot camp.

we kept up communication through letters. and in the letters, he told me he was still in love with me. i dont know what this means for us, but he comes home for a little while on thursday and i'm scared he's going to see how fat i've gotten and change his mind. the whole thing is throwing me out of whack. i cant function right. he's always had this effect on me.

sorry that was so poorly written, im still a little stoned. ha. but i'll try to rewrite it better later.




so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o, i dont know how much i weigh this morning, but im sure its in the 130s. which is in no way okay with me. my overall goal weight is still 98. and i want to be there by the first day of junior year. so i need to get on ittt. im going food minimalist today. giving my body exactly what it needs to function; nothing more. and i'm going to try to go on walks frequently throughout the day. i'll be back in the 120's before spring break is over. i am determined. think thin, stay strong.

its spring break..

im still not skinny enough.. but ive got until summer. which really isnt that long if you think about it. two months give or take? i dont know, man.

good thing is: i can stay out all day and pretend to have already eaten every day this week. woopwoop. radness.

how are you all doing? it seems like its been forfuckingever since the last time i blog or checked anyone else's blogs..

I'll have one of these on July 21, 2010.

ugh.

i fucking hate myself. the day's not even over and im up a pound. fuck me. fuck me. fuck me.
im so fucking fat and disgusting, its unbelievable. i mean, no wonder all m friends bailed on me. i wouldnt want to be seen with me either. im a fucking cow. no wonder people in the ana community want nothing to do with me, im a fat fucking cow. id fuck them up with their progress. I FUCKING HATE MY FAT FUCKING SELF.

5'4 and 132 pounds? really? god damn. im fucking pathetic.


i cant wait for school tomorrow. its easy to not eat on school days. and i'll get some exlax after. i fuuuucking hate me, i hate everything. fuck.FUCK. FUCK.

Day 3 of Starting Fresh.

Same weight as yesterday. I'm not surprised or upset because I ate yesterday and know that I could be up. I threw off the plan by eating yesterday but I'm going to continue as though I hadn't and it'll just serve as punishment. So today is a liquids only day (not counting soup, shakes, or smoothies). Water, juice, coke, tea, etc. and that's it. If I take in less than 300 cals and work my ass off, I can still be in the 120s by tomorrow. Will I be able to though? We'll find out.

Its 7am here and I'm not sure why I'm awake. I went to bed around ten last night, which I guess is nineish hours but I'm never up this early. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it.

Every time I look at the scale and see that its in the 130s, I think a part of me dies a little bit. That sounds really melodramatic, I know. But I've always been in the 120s or lower, always. Even before I got myself involved in this subculture, this private little world of ours. I don't know, it just really bothers me. I guess its a good thing cause its giving me the drive to not eat. Even when I'm eating with my family and whatnot, my subconscious is telling me to eat smaller bites, eat slower, mentally divide the plate in half, sit up straighter, drink in between each bite. This is helpful, yes. But when I'm not here, home alone, my subconscious turns on me. If I'm at school and see a girl around my size, I'll find myself thinking, "She's really pretty. And not bone thin. Maybe curves are good after all." Or things to that effect. I used to have an AnaBuddy at school, but she dropped out earlier this year. I have a texting AnaBuddy and she's been very helpful and I'm so thankful for her, but I feel like one isn't enough anymore. I've got to be in this for the long run. I need to be accountable so that I don't waver. Y'know? If you're interested, hit me up at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. I appreciate it so much.

I think that something really is wrong with me. If I'm not depressed, I'm nothing. I'm completely numb. I don't feel anything. Like, it feels like I'm watching me live my life day to day. I don't feel me walking out of the front door, but I can see me doing it. Maybe I'm just a weirdass, who knows?

I don't know what today will bring. Hopefully I'll get the strength to go run or something. I know I won't eat. I refuse. Stay strong today, guys. Love you.

Day 2 of Starting Fresh.

Down four pounds since Tuesday (or maybe Wednesday?). Today is a liquid only day and I'm not even hungry. Today I'll be catching up on a buuuuuuuuuuunch of homework. If I finish in time, I can hopefully squeeze in a workout. I want to be back in the 120s on Monday morning. Doesn't seem impossible.

I cannot believe I'm working to get BACK in the 120s. Slacking isn't happening this time. Fat is not an option. I just have to put all my focus on school and losing weight. I've started rereading Wasted. Incredibly thinspirational. Ah. Ahhhhhh.

I'm still depressed. But I don't think I mind anymore. Its kind of nice, really.


I hope you guys are doing well. Think thin, stay strong.