mardi gras mambo

its mardi gras which for most people means food, fun, and parades. for me, however, it means drugs, hunger, and nights i can't remember with people i can't forget. last night was the first parade of mardi gras weekend '11. i went to a party at kylie's house where there was so much food i thought i was going to die. but the night was successful. i didnt eat a single bite; i drank a little which i know is empty calories but i also smoked which increases metabolism, so i should be good. i can't weigh myself til i get back to my mom's which will be sometime today. i neeeeed to know what the number is.


right now, i'm sipping coffee and i have every meal for today planned out. tomorrow i'll eat only fruit, then monday and tuesday are fasting days. and when i go back to school on wednesday, i'll eat only fruit again. got my plan. got ambition. im ready to rock this bitch.

im baaaaack.

been in the hospital for sixteen days.
officially diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia.
gained ten pounds.

time to get back in gear. that hospital food fucked me up, big time. so its time for a change.
ready, set, here we go.

day one of three day fast

still 119. fasting for three days to get as low as possible before winter formal. i really don't even want to go at this point. but mike does, so for his sake, i'll get as thin as i can to look halfway decent. ugh.

i woke up at one a.m this morning. did some homework, some crunches, and walked half a mile in 32 degree weather. started the day of right. when i get home from school, i'll walk for an hour and hopefully go to the y when i'm done with my homework. i've decided that i have three priorities in life right now:
1. my relationship with mike.
2. weight loss.
3. school.
in that order. so i'm going to spend my school week focused on not eating and studying. i want the perfect gpa. then, once i'm thin, i'll have the perfect body and the perfect mind. (:


i'll be chewing nicotine gum all day to stop myself from eating. (nicotine also boosts metabolism) i also plan to drink like a fish today. all water. nothing else. i will get down to 115 before saturday. i will, i will, i will.

i fucking hate my fat fucking self.

U G H. i tried to eat normally. for mike. i was going to make things right, and eat without throwing up. got on the scale a few minutes ago, 119. four pounds after two days of eating normal? fuck that. i'm never eating normally again. fuck that.

now its going to take forever for those two pounds to come off. fuckkkkkkkkkk. i fucking hate myself. so much. not eating for the rest of the week. idgaf if mike gets pissed. im getting under 115 again before i even touch anything besides water. fuck it fuck it fuck it. food can suck it. i don't need it. i'll live on celery if i absolutely have to eat. fuck.

dsijrtriodftgouidhuiogdf. two fucking pounds. i can't even believe that shit. im so pissed off.
fdkgjlflkgjf ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

115

and i don't know where to go from here. puking is no longer an option; i refuse to lose mike over something that stupid. and he makes me eat when i'm with him, though he's really good at picking low cal, fat free stuff to eat and he never makes me eat too much. so fasting on weekends is over with now. so i think i'm just going to fast during the school week and eat on the weekends in front of him. losing will come slower, but its the only plan i've got right now.

on a happier note: this strapless bra i have that used to be too tight around my torso now fits perfectly. and i tried on a pair of size 3 jeans at pacsun and they fit. so i'm doing okay. (:


how are you guys doing?

shit hit the fan.

we had a snow day, so me, mike, & kylie were all going to hang out and spend the night at mike's. i was fasting, and had ruined it by eating a bag of chips. so when mike picked us up, we stopped to get cigarettes at a gas station and i threw up in the bathroom. little did i know, mike had sent kylie in after me to make sure i didnt do exactly what i did. and shit hit the fan.

he was mad. really. fucking. mad. and the whole night was ruined. the next day, he broke up with me. "i can't be with you if you're doing this, pixie." were his exact words. he left me crying in the van.

after talking to his sister and crying for about 45 minutes, he gave me another chance. if i stopped, we could get back together. i promised him i wouldn't throw up forcefully ever again. and we're back together. but if i do it again, its game over.

now i don't know what to do. i'm 117 pounds, nowhere near my goal. but is this worth losing the love of my life?

its becoming an obsession

all day all i could think about was my weight/food. all day. i drew stick figures and wrote "fat bitch" all over my arms in class. i stared at my thinspo notebook at lunch. its becoming my obsession again.
and i'm 100% okay with that.