fuck recovery.
fuck it.
i'm done.

my new boyfriend, who we'll call kyle, is fine with me having a love affair with ana, so that's not an issue anymore. my best friend who would be pissed if she knew moved an hour away so she'll never know. i have no excuses anymore. its time to get serious like first semester junior year. i'm not going to lay out any plans this time. i'm just going to say no to food when i can, work my ass off and as soon as i get my id, start buying diet pills because my stash is still at my mom's.

water, cigarettes, & coffee.
treadmills, elipitcal machines, & situps.
dizzy spells, hunger pains, & weight loss.
i'm ready.

i'm committing myself this time. no more excuses to be a pussy about it.
fuck being fat, fuck hating myself, fuck all that noise.
i'm getting down to the 90's.
nothing will stop me.

i wanna be so skinny that i rot from view

last night was pretty intense. i threw up & told oliver about it, and we talked for a while and then he sends me this:

"alright so here's how this is going to work
you're going to swear to me that you'll keep it to an absolute minimum
key words: swear, absolute minimum
i'm going to pretend i don't care
in no way am i condoning or approving
and don't even let the thought that i encourage it cross your mind
i still want to know when it happens
but i won't get pissed and we'll change the subject right after
also i want to know how much you weigh right now
and once you're under 100 its over
does that work for you?"

now, keep in mind that this is the same kid that caused me to start all of this up again in tenth grade. i know i blogged about it but it was a long time ago and half of you guys didn't follow me back then so i'll tell the whole story again.
basically, i was in love with this kid my freshman year. he knew about the disorder and hated it immensely. he even once told me that if i died in a puddle of my own bile he wouldn't give a fuck. he hated it. so we struck up a deal. he'd quit smoking pot if i'd give up my eating disorder. (this was before i was a pothead) so i tried. i tried my ass off. as i'm sure all of you know, an eating disorder is a psychological issue that most often needs professional help to end completely. but i worked my ass off, hating myself every second of every day for it. only to find out that he was lying to me the whole fucking time. he never quit smoking, he just did it behind my back thinking i'd never find out. so i decided "fuck it." i submerged myself in my eating disorder and didn't give a fuck what he had to say about it. we eventually broke up, but i continued to have feelings for him. we didn't talk all summer. i decided that i wanted him back so i really gave up ana & mia for about two months. and then i saw him at school and we started texting again. eventually i asked him if he thought i was fat, now that he didn't have to lie to me about it anymore and he pretty much said yes. so i jumped right back into it. i enveloped myself in freezing showers, diet pills, saltwater flushes, and ipecac. i wrote eating disorder related poetry and stopped sleeping. it got intense.

now, we're back together. i'm no longer dumb enough to give ana up for a boy. or a girl. or anyone for that matter. this is mine. i'm going to hold on to it until i don't want to anymore. i don't care what anyone has to say about it. i'm doing this. he's really upset about it. he hates it. more than anything, he wants me to stop. and part of me wants to stop for him. but at the end of the day, he's broken my heart more than once. i don't trust him not to do it again. i'm not giving my life, my everything up for someone who very well might just up and leave one day. i'm no longer stupid.

******************

the hunger pains just kicked in and i couldn't be happier. this means its real again. this is the start of something epic. i'm going to lose the weight this time; all the weight. i'm not going to get halfway there and let some boy get in the way. i mean business this time. i will be 98 pounds. i will, i will. so far today i've had coffee and a cigarette. i'm going to continue drinking coffee and water all day and hopefully find some way to get out of dinner. my dad's never home during the day, so i don't have to eat breakfast or lunch, but we usually go out for dinner and i have no choice but to eat something or he bitches. so i'm thinking i'll just fast all day til dinner and get a salad and eat like less than half of it. then work it all off when i get home. if i can't get out of eating, period.

how're all of you doing? its been forever since i've talked to anyone from the ana community. tell me what's been up! i wanna hear about your progress.

i'm back.

after breaking up with mike, going to rehab, getting kicked out, and partying hard since i was discharged, im now sitting at 133 pounds. this simply will not do. school starts soon, and i'm motivated. i will get thin this year. nothing will stop me.


mike broke up with me while i was in rehab, to date my best friend. i'm not the least bit surprised but it still hurts. so i'm channeling that hurt into motivation to get thin. now that mike can't say shit about how i lose the weight, i'm doing whatever the fuck i want. its my body and i'll do this my way.

my mom is out of the picture completely. she kicked me out & pretty much decided she wants nothing to do with me. which i'm totally cool with. fuck her. i want for the next time she sees me, to be thinthinthin. i want to prove to her that i don't need her.

so here's the plan.
for the first couple of days, i'm going to eat whatever i want as long as its before noon. no eating after 12, at all. then, three hour workouts minimum.
after the first couple of days, i'll go back to fasting like normal.
i want to be 100 pounds by my birthday.
i can do this.


right now, i'm listening to god is an astronaut, sipping a red bull. thinking.
i'm just really sad and i'm hoping that returning to ana's loving arms will make me feel better.
fingers crossed.

out of the hospital. again.

and i'm ready to lose some serious weight. so much shit has gone down in the past month, i need a good distraction and ana will be that distraction. i got two weeks until i leave for drug rehab, and i plan to lose at least ten pounds in those two weeks. i can do this. nothing will stop me. i will be thin.

mardi gras mambo

its mardi gras which for most people means food, fun, and parades. for me, however, it means drugs, hunger, and nights i can't remember with people i can't forget. last night was the first parade of mardi gras weekend '11. i went to a party at kylie's house where there was so much food i thought i was going to die. but the night was successful. i didnt eat a single bite; i drank a little which i know is empty calories but i also smoked which increases metabolism, so i should be good. i can't weigh myself til i get back to my mom's which will be sometime today. i neeeeed to know what the number is.


right now, i'm sipping coffee and i have every meal for today planned out. tomorrow i'll eat only fruit, then monday and tuesday are fasting days. and when i go back to school on wednesday, i'll eat only fruit again. got my plan. got ambition. im ready to rock this bitch.

im baaaaack.

been in the hospital for sixteen days.
officially diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia.
gained ten pounds.

time to get back in gear. that hospital food fucked me up, big time. so its time for a change.
ready, set, here we go.

day one of three day fast

still 119. fasting for three days to get as low as possible before winter formal. i really don't even want to go at this point. but mike does, so for his sake, i'll get as thin as i can to look halfway decent. ugh.

i woke up at one a.m this morning. did some homework, some crunches, and walked half a mile in 32 degree weather. started the day of right. when i get home from school, i'll walk for an hour and hopefully go to the y when i'm done with my homework. i've decided that i have three priorities in life right now:
1. my relationship with mike.
2. weight loss.
3. school.
in that order. so i'm going to spend my school week focused on not eating and studying. i want the perfect gpa. then, once i'm thin, i'll have the perfect body and the perfect mind. (:


i'll be chewing nicotine gum all day to stop myself from eating. (nicotine also boosts metabolism) i also plan to drink like a fish today. all water. nothing else. i will get down to 115 before saturday. i will, i will, i will.