i need to get back into habit.
that's all i have to say.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
look who's back
Okay, I’m back. I’m sorry its been so long. First my laptop crashed and it was way too risky to post on the desktop, where my parents could check the history and whatnot, and then I got grounded from EVERYTHING including the computer.
As far as Ana goes, I haven’t really been on my game. I’m back in the 130s. But I’m not beating myself up over it because I “took a break from it” and did a lot of stress eating after a loved one passed away. Tomorrow would be his 3rd birthday and my family is going to spend it together, where I’m sure there’ll be food and I’m going to eat regularly tomorrow, then its back to habit.
Now, onto my venting about personal life:
- About a month ago, my girlfriend told me she thinks she’s developing an eating disorder. She says she never eats. She is pretty skinny, but I know for a fact she eats. As someone who has gone a month without eating, I know what you act and look like if you’ve gone that long with no or little food. And she doesn’t look like it. At all. Why she would lie about that, knowing that I used to struggle with an eating disorder (she doesn’t know I still am, although I don’t consider it a struggle), I have absolutely no idea. It makes me wonder what else she’s lied about. She says she’s a cutter & that if she doesn’t stop, her parents are sending her to Chicago in November but now I don’t even know if that’s true. Part of me doesn’t even think she’s gay, that its just another lie. I don’t know what to do.
- My best friend just got sent to rehab after being released from a mental hospital for wanting to kill himself. I want him to get better, but I want him to stay here. I’m just going to miss him so much. And he’s going to miss my birthday, :/. I know its selfish, but I want him here with me. He’s what makes my life bearable.
- Bryson. He was the cutest, sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful little boy I’ve ever met. Its not fair that he, of all people, had his life taken. Not fair at all. I miss him so much already and its only been a week.
- My parents. They’ve always been really complicated. They got married when I was in second grade, divorced when I was in fourth and my dad moved out for six months and came back. They weren’t together, just roommates who happened to have a kid together. My mom dated other people, and I’m sure my dad too. Last year my mom’s friend moved in with us and they ended up dating. My dad found out and got extremely pissed about it and decided he wanted to try again with my mom so now there’s all this drama in the house and they keep trying to get me involved. Like, my dad will ask me all these questions about what my mom’s said and my mom does the same thing. And its just stressing me the fuck out.
Now that that’s over. Back to business. I’m in the early 130’s right now. I want to be back in the early 120’s by the end of the month. Its going to require a ot of fastung and restricting and I’m going to need help to do so. If you wanna be an ana text buddy of mine, shoot me an email at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. You can also add me on my ana facebook, or my real one if you have a real one. Just don’t talk about ana stuff publicly.
LiveLoveThinkAna, xoxo
As far as Ana goes, I haven’t really been on my game. I’m back in the 130s. But I’m not beating myself up over it because I “took a break from it” and did a lot of stress eating after a loved one passed away. Tomorrow would be his 3rd birthday and my family is going to spend it together, where I’m sure there’ll be food and I’m going to eat regularly tomorrow, then its back to habit.
Now, onto my venting about personal life:
- About a month ago, my girlfriend told me she thinks she’s developing an eating disorder. She says she never eats. She is pretty skinny, but I know for a fact she eats. As someone who has gone a month without eating, I know what you act and look like if you’ve gone that long with no or little food. And she doesn’t look like it. At all. Why she would lie about that, knowing that I used to struggle with an eating disorder (she doesn’t know I still am, although I don’t consider it a struggle), I have absolutely no idea. It makes me wonder what else she’s lied about. She says she’s a cutter & that if she doesn’t stop, her parents are sending her to Chicago in November but now I don’t even know if that’s true. Part of me doesn’t even think she’s gay, that its just another lie. I don’t know what to do.
- My best friend just got sent to rehab after being released from a mental hospital for wanting to kill himself. I want him to get better, but I want him to stay here. I’m just going to miss him so much. And he’s going to miss my birthday, :/. I know its selfish, but I want him here with me. He’s what makes my life bearable.
- Bryson. He was the cutest, sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful little boy I’ve ever met. Its not fair that he, of all people, had his life taken. Not fair at all. I miss him so much already and its only been a week.
- My parents. They’ve always been really complicated. They got married when I was in second grade, divorced when I was in fourth and my dad moved out for six months and came back. They weren’t together, just roommates who happened to have a kid together. My mom dated other people, and I’m sure my dad too. Last year my mom’s friend moved in with us and they ended up dating. My dad found out and got extremely pissed about it and decided he wanted to try again with my mom so now there’s all this drama in the house and they keep trying to get me involved. Like, my dad will ask me all these questions about what my mom’s said and my mom does the same thing. And its just stressing me the fuck out.
Now that that’s over. Back to business. I’m in the early 130’s right now. I want to be back in the early 120’s by the end of the month. Its going to require a ot of fastung and restricting and I’m going to need help to do so. If you wanna be an ana text buddy of mine, shoot me an email at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. You can also add me on my ana facebook, or my real one if you have a real one. Just don’t talk about ana stuff publicly.
LiveLoveThinkAna, xoxo
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My computer crashed which is why there’s been a lack of posts lately. Its still not fixed and its really not safe to use this one so this will be short until I get mine fixed.
I’ve been stuck eating for about two/three weeks now. I’m too scared to get back on the scale until I’ve fasted for a few days. I’ve been pretty sad lately so not eating should be relatively easy.
School’s started; there’s a bunch of drama that I’ll get into when I have time.
That’s all I have time for, sorry guys. I’m just super paranoid.
Think thin, stay strong xoxoxo
I’ve been stuck eating for about two/three weeks now. I’m too scared to get back on the scale until I’ve fasted for a few days. I’ve been pretty sad lately so not eating should be relatively easy.
School’s started; there’s a bunch of drama that I’ll get into when I have time.
That’s all I have time for, sorry guys. I’m just super paranoid.
Think thin, stay strong xoxoxo
Friday, July 23, 2010
I ate so much yesterday. I was up a pound yesterday anyway, so I’m just not going to get on the scale today. And since I had a 500 calorie day in the plan, I’m just using yesterday as my 500 cal day. I’m fasting for the next four days; liquids only for the first two days & water only for the second two. Time to get into high gear. I don’t have that much longer until school starts & I still have over ten pounds to lose.
Yesterday at the psychiatrist, she told me I looked like I had lost a bunch of weight and I looked like a whole new person. I weighed 136 pounds the last time she saw me, yesterday I was 133. I don’t understand why she thought I had lost so much weight, but she wouldn’t stop talking about it. It made me feel really good.
I’m calling the rest of the summer Back to School Boot Camp. Its going to be hardcore. I’m only giving myself one eating day a week. And I’m working out twice a day. I need to meet this goal. I NEED TO!
Yesterday at the psychiatrist, she told me I looked like I had lost a bunch of weight and I looked like a whole new person. I weighed 136 pounds the last time she saw me, yesterday I was 133. I don’t understand why she thought I had lost so much weight, but she wouldn’t stop talking about it. It made me feel really good.
I’m calling the rest of the summer Back to School Boot Camp. Its going to be hardcore. I’m only giving myself one eating day a week. And I’m working out twice a day. I need to meet this goal. I NEED TO!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Its five am and I just woke up. I ate more yesterday than I would have liked and I had a chocolate chip granola bar. Damn. I just know that when I get on the scale in four hours, it’ll say that I’m back up to 134. Fuck. Yesterday I had chicken noodle soup, a muffin, a slice of cheddar and a slice of pepperjack cheese on a mini bagel, a Pepsi, and miso soup. Everything besides the Miso Soup and Pepsi was eaten before one, and I walked a ½ mile & did some situps, and I slept for ten hours and sleep supposedly burns calories. My stomach is growling so I hope my day of gluttony kick started my metabolism but didn’t stick too much to my ribs. Speaking of, after stretching shirtless in the mirror, I think about ten pounds from now I’ll be able to see ribs without sucking in. That’s something to look forward to!
I have therapy today, which means a drug test. I guess its good that I’ve been drinking loads of water lately. And I hope these Azo pills have helped. If I fail however many drug tests, I have to go to inpatient rehab. That’s not at all something I want any part of.
I think I’m going to take a little nap before I weigh myself, hopefully I’ll burn some cals doing so.
Think thin, stay strong xoxo
I have therapy today, which means a drug test. I guess its good that I’ve been drinking loads of water lately. And I hope these Azo pills have helped. If I fail however many drug tests, I have to go to inpatient rehab. That’s not at all something I want any part of.
I think I’m going to take a little nap before I weigh myself, hopefully I’ll burn some cals doing so.
Think thin, stay strong xoxo
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Day 4 of the Back to School Challenge
Weight: 132
Today was my 300 calorie day, and I’m pretty sure I went over 300 cals but not too much. I had chicken noodle soup (220 cals) at midnight and then a muffin (? cals) at around nine. So all my calories were before noon, which means I can probably burn them all off before bed. I’m water fasting for the rest of the day.
I bought three cucumbers for my next eating days so I won’t be tempted to binge. And I’ve put multiple water bottles in various places (like six in the fridge, two in the freezer, & three in the outside freezer) so I always have cold water on hand.
I’m watching this MTV Documentary called “Return to Fat Camp” and its pretty thinspiring. I’ve seen it a billion times but it always gets my Ana mindset up and running. Not that I was having trouble. I actually feel really strong these days. I love the feeling of hunger and I love seeing the number on the scale drop each day, even if it is only one digit less. It feels really good. AND last night on my walk, I realized that my thighs don’t rub together as awkwardly as they did before. They still touch and they do rub, but its not nearly like it was this time two weeks ago. Can’t stop progress, right?
So I was looking at myself in the mirror and looking at what I wanted to change and blah blah blah & I think I like my curves (if that’s what you want to call ‘em), but I NEED a flatter stomach, a thinner face, thinner thighs, & thinner arms. My arms are the worst. Because I can’t do pushups and I don’t have weights or anything, I don’t really know how to tone them up at all. Any suggestions, feel free to share!
The rest of today will consist of writing an essay for my therapist and burning calories. Fun day ahead, right?
Stay strong, think thin xoxoxo
Today was my 300 calorie day, and I’m pretty sure I went over 300 cals but not too much. I had chicken noodle soup (220 cals) at midnight and then a muffin (? cals) at around nine. So all my calories were before noon, which means I can probably burn them all off before bed. I’m water fasting for the rest of the day.
I bought three cucumbers for my next eating days so I won’t be tempted to binge. And I’ve put multiple water bottles in various places (like six in the fridge, two in the freezer, & three in the outside freezer) so I always have cold water on hand.
I’m watching this MTV Documentary called “Return to Fat Camp” and its pretty thinspiring. I’ve seen it a billion times but it always gets my Ana mindset up and running. Not that I was having trouble. I actually feel really strong these days. I love the feeling of hunger and I love seeing the number on the scale drop each day, even if it is only one digit less. It feels really good. AND last night on my walk, I realized that my thighs don’t rub together as awkwardly as they did before. They still touch and they do rub, but its not nearly like it was this time two weeks ago. Can’t stop progress, right?
So I was looking at myself in the mirror and looking at what I wanted to change and blah blah blah & I think I like my curves (if that’s what you want to call ‘em), but I NEED a flatter stomach, a thinner face, thinner thighs, & thinner arms. My arms are the worst. Because I can’t do pushups and I don’t have weights or anything, I don’t really know how to tone them up at all. Any suggestions, feel free to share!
The rest of today will consist of writing an essay for my therapist and burning calories. Fun day ahead, right?
Stay strong, think thin xoxoxo
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
blah
Weight: 133
Its 11am and I still haven’t been to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, ran in place for ten minutes, attempted (failed) a few pushups, & did sixty something sit ups. I’ve finished one liter of water. I’m trying to get three in today. I have a slight headache, but other than that I feel great. Its good to feel like I’m in control again.
I’ve realized that I post too many entries daily, so I’m just going to open a word document everyday and type on it all day and then just post it right before bed. Posts will probably be longer because of this but not too many people read this, so I’m not too worried haha.
**
I’ve been thinking and I realized that since school starts soon, I’m going to have to start planning differently. So I think I’m going to try to eat one meal on school days, lunch, and bring something small and healthy. Ideas for school lunches (this is really just to help me remember when school starts):
• Rice cakes
• A cucumber & ranch
• Hummus
• Pre-packaged cubed fruit
• Bananas and peanut butter
Yeeeah.
***
Its 2:14 am, I’ve had three hot chocolates and two liters of water since this time yesterday. No solid food. The hunger is starting to kick in and it feels nice. I’m going to have one more hot chocolate and take a shower and try to go for a walk without waking anyone up.
Its 11am and I still haven’t been to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, ran in place for ten minutes, attempted (failed) a few pushups, & did sixty something sit ups. I’ve finished one liter of water. I’m trying to get three in today. I have a slight headache, but other than that I feel great. Its good to feel like I’m in control again.
I’ve realized that I post too many entries daily, so I’m just going to open a word document everyday and type on it all day and then just post it right before bed. Posts will probably be longer because of this but not too many people read this, so I’m not too worried haha.
**
I’ve been thinking and I realized that since school starts soon, I’m going to have to start planning differently. So I think I’m going to try to eat one meal on school days, lunch, and bring something small and healthy. Ideas for school lunches (this is really just to help me remember when school starts):
• Rice cakes
• A cucumber & ranch
• Hummus
• Pre-packaged cubed fruit
• Bananas and peanut butter
Yeeeah.
***
Its 2:14 am, I’ve had three hot chocolates and two liters of water since this time yesterday. No solid food. The hunger is starting to kick in and it feels nice. I’m going to have one more hot chocolate and take a shower and try to go for a walk without waking anyone up.
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