I'll have one of these on July 21, 2010.

ugh.

i fucking hate myself. the day's not even over and im up a pound. fuck me. fuck me. fuck me.
im so fucking fat and disgusting, its unbelievable. i mean, no wonder all m friends bailed on me. i wouldnt want to be seen with me either. im a fucking cow. no wonder people in the ana community want nothing to do with me, im a fat fucking cow. id fuck them up with their progress. I FUCKING HATE MY FAT FUCKING SELF.

5'4 and 132 pounds? really? god damn. im fucking pathetic.


i cant wait for school tomorrow. its easy to not eat on school days. and i'll get some exlax after. i fuuuucking hate me, i hate everything. fuck.FUCK. FUCK.

Day 3 of Starting Fresh.

Same weight as yesterday. I'm not surprised or upset because I ate yesterday and know that I could be up. I threw off the plan by eating yesterday but I'm going to continue as though I hadn't and it'll just serve as punishment. So today is a liquids only day (not counting soup, shakes, or smoothies). Water, juice, coke, tea, etc. and that's it. If I take in less than 300 cals and work my ass off, I can still be in the 120s by tomorrow. Will I be able to though? We'll find out.

Its 7am here and I'm not sure why I'm awake. I went to bed around ten last night, which I guess is nineish hours but I'm never up this early. I don't even know why I'm thinking about it.

Every time I look at the scale and see that its in the 130s, I think a part of me dies a little bit. That sounds really melodramatic, I know. But I've always been in the 120s or lower, always. Even before I got myself involved in this subculture, this private little world of ours. I don't know, it just really bothers me. I guess its a good thing cause its giving me the drive to not eat. Even when I'm eating with my family and whatnot, my subconscious is telling me to eat smaller bites, eat slower, mentally divide the plate in half, sit up straighter, drink in between each bite. This is helpful, yes. But when I'm not here, home alone, my subconscious turns on me. If I'm at school and see a girl around my size, I'll find myself thinking, "She's really pretty. And not bone thin. Maybe curves are good after all." Or things to that effect. I used to have an AnaBuddy at school, but she dropped out earlier this year. I have a texting AnaBuddy and she's been very helpful and I'm so thankful for her, but I feel like one isn't enough anymore. I've got to be in this for the long run. I need to be accountable so that I don't waver. Y'know? If you're interested, hit me up at imn0t0kay@hotmail.com. I appreciate it so much.

I think that something really is wrong with me. If I'm not depressed, I'm nothing. I'm completely numb. I don't feel anything. Like, it feels like I'm watching me live my life day to day. I don't feel me walking out of the front door, but I can see me doing it. Maybe I'm just a weirdass, who knows?

I don't know what today will bring. Hopefully I'll get the strength to go run or something. I know I won't eat. I refuse. Stay strong today, guys. Love you.

Day 2 of Starting Fresh.

Down four pounds since Tuesday (or maybe Wednesday?). Today is a liquid only day and I'm not even hungry. Today I'll be catching up on a buuuuuuuuuuunch of homework. If I finish in time, I can hopefully squeeze in a workout. I want to be back in the 120s on Monday morning. Doesn't seem impossible.

I cannot believe I'm working to get BACK in the 120s. Slacking isn't happening this time. Fat is not an option. I just have to put all my focus on school and losing weight. I've started rereading Wasted. Incredibly thinspirational. Ah. Ahhhhhh.

I'm still depressed. But I don't think I mind anymore. Its kind of nice, really.


I hope you guys are doing well. Think thin, stay strong.

Day 1 of Starting Fresh.

I've learned from previous experience that jumping right into starving is NOT a good idea, so today started my three day minimal eating period. Its 4:30 and I had coffee for breakfast and some bread, crackers, and peanut butter after school. Tomorrow and Saturday are going to be soup only days and then I can start real fasting again. I'm. So. Pumped.

I fucking hate my fat fat fat self, man. ITS DISGUSTING. I hate it. All of it; my stomach, my arms, my thighs, my cheeks, my ass. Its all fucking disgusting. I'm done. I'm done being fat and gross, I'm going to be skinny and gorgeous. Legit this time.

Every day I become a little more depressed, a little more antisocial, a little more numb. I'm disillusioned and jaded and I'm ready to waste away. I have nothing important or interesting to say. I'll leave it at: I am fat. I hate myself. And I will be thin.

Its been too long..


Shit's hit the fan. Life blows right now. I'm ready to completely devote myself to this. My "best friend" dropped me out of her life for Jesus and I'll drop the world for Ana. I'm up a lot. I'm somewhere in the 130's :/ :/ :/
But I can get rid of it. I'll be 98 this summer. Mark my fucking words.




How've you all been?

Eh. Down.

This week its been too cold to run & because of that, its taking forever! Like a pound a day or less. I know I should be happy that I'm losing and not gaining but I mean good lawd. I really can't wait to be out of the 120's. I was supposed to have hit that 115 goal before school started back but shit happens I guess.

As far as food goes, I've been doing decent this week. Yesterday I ate a cup of steamed vegetables and a handful of M&Ms (don't judge me, ha) and today I had a Vegetarian Vegetable Soup at Hand cup (100 cals) and some saltine crackers (not sure how many cals?). I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be a juice fast day. But my mom made me a sandwich for lunch Tuesday that I've just left in the fridge every day so I might take care of that, then fast Friday, Saturday, & Sunday and then just start the usual routine over on Monday. I don't know, we'll see what the day brings. What is your guys' usual fasting schedule like? Do you fast certain days of the week or just go with the flow?

Earlier today, something strange happened. My dad and I were talking about spaghetti and meatballs and I said "Does anyone ever actually make meatballs? Cause I don't think I've ever had them."
and he was like "I made them a few months back but it was one of those times."
So of course my response was, " what are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
"No,obviously if I did, I wouldn't be asking."
"You know. You go through these little phases where either one of your little friends says something or you see something on TV that make you think you're fat and you just stop eating for days. Days."
My heart started beating faster and faster. How the fuck did he know? And why had he never said anything before? I just laughed it off, but inside I'm still freaking the fuck out.

Despite what my father thinks, I know that I am fat. Regardless of what friends I'm with or what I watch on Tv. And my self esteem, or the minuscule bit of what's left of it, is beginning to crumble at the foundation again. I can't stand to look in the mirrors; most of mine are covered. I can't even shower with the lights on; my body makes me sick. At night while I'm laying in bed, I grab my fat with my hands until there's red marks still visible the next day. I hate what I look like, I hate me. But as soon as that scale reads 98, that will change. I. Can. Not. Wait. Think thin, you guys. Stay strong <3